“Mommy, Are We Born This Way Until We Get A Weave?”

February 29th, 2012 - By madamenoire

Source: longhaircareforum.com

This personal essay, from one of our readers, describes how a mother learns from her daughter’s self confidence and subsequently vows to educate herself on how to best care for her child’s hair.

We live in a time that has constantly been referred to as the Information Age. Why? Because never before has information been so readily accessible. With just one click of a mouse we can learn about almost anything and thanks to social media we can now learn of the latest trends at lightening speed.

One trend that has been growing at a remarkable rate is the Black Hair Movement, I say black hair movement because whether we’re natural or relaxed, we, as African American women know more about our hair then ever before, and dare I say that a few of us know more than a lot of the hairdressers out there!

So with the birth of these new movements Natural and so forth, I often ask myself am I still teaching my daughters the right thing, and what kind of messages are they taking in from me and others?

I will never forget the day my eldest daughter walked into the kitchen and told me that a child in her class tried to put her down because her hair wasn’t “straight.”

“How did that make you feel, Muffin?” I asked her.

“I don’t believe anything she says Mommy, so I told her just that!” She said with confidence “I love my hair, it’s mine, and it’s an important part of me”.

I paused for a short moment, because not only does my child never cease to amaze me, but I remember my own experiences with hair and mean “non-black” children, and I knew for a fact had that been me, I would have folded. I would have burst into tears. Yes, I know what you’re thinking, a little outlandish, and you’re correct. As a child I had long beautiful hair until I was 6 years of age and my mother decided that my hair should look just like those girls on the boxes of a certain kiddie perm. Needless to stay I instantly went bold that day, and since then my hair has never been the same.

“Mom,” she started, “but what I don’t understand is why is it that all the girls in my school who look like me (they are currently only 3) and have hair like me but don’t have long hair! Are we born this way until we get a weave?” After sitting her down and going through the importance of her standing up for herself and loving and accepting ourselves no matter what anyone says or thinks, I began to explore her comments more deeply.

What is it about our community that makes naturally long hair such a scarce yet valuable commodity? What message are we really teaching our children? How does it compare to what we’ve been taught? I sat down for nights on end, researching black hair, both my children and myself have different hair types, and being able to access the wealth of information available has been a very humbling experience that I now share with my daughter. I have made them a promise to do everything I can to help and to teach her how to maintain, retain and love her mane!

” To answer your question,” I said to her, “the thing that’s special about your hair is that it is in fact your hair and while it is very different, it’s special and just like everything else about your life and your destiny you have the ability to make it or break it, literally. I can’t speak for anyone’s child, but I promise for the next 12 months, we are going to learn how to grow your hair, so when you’re a grown up, you can have the option of a weave if you’d like but it will not be your last resort if you want longer hair”.

Have you ever had similar experience with your own child(ren)? What values did you pick up about your own hair as a child? Are you part of the “I got a perm before my period” club?

Naturally Yours,

Trish

Check out this author’s Twitter page at https://twitter.com/#!/honeycurlstv and interact with her about your hair issues. 

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  • Rafia

    Im 15 and my hair is in the middle of my back. I am fully black (brown skin and all) and don’t have a perm. All i do is straighten it (with flat irons), and it stays. All you have to do is train your hair, and it’ll start growing. Products count too. I use Care-a-care hair products and its helped a lot!

  • Rafia

    Im 15 and my hair is in the middle of my back. I am fully black (brown skin and all) and don’t have a perm. All i do is straighten it (with flat irons), and it stays. All you have to do is train your hair, and it’ll start growing. Products count too. I use Care-a-care hair products and its helped a lot!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=732777096 ZStaxx Lilly

    WANT TO KNOW ABOUT GROWING NATURAL HAIR…NAPTURAL85 on YouTube. THIS GIRL IS A GODSEND. YOU CAN FIND HER ON YOUTUBE OR EITHER ONE OF THESE URLS!!!! she has really inspired me to trash the relaxers and embrace my thirsty roots. i must say this is a very challenging change for a 22 yr young african american college student, but the results have been marvelous!!!

  • Simone

    My first comment would be that you want your child to appreciate her individual characteristics, including her hair and its texture; love who she is and how she looks.  Your daughter seems like she’s off to a good start.  Second, you want healthy hair, which IS beautiful.  My only disagreement with your comment above is that you seem to imply that long and beautiful are synonymous.   Beautiful and long are not one in the same.  If she happens to have long beautiful hair, that’s great.  If she gets older and has beautiful short hair, that’s great too!  Most children have long hair, however many Black children as they get older will not have naturally long hair but if it is healthy it will still be beautiful.  The length of your hair is determined by your genes, just like height.  I feel that many people in the Black community see long as automatically beautiful.  I have seen many a girl with long hair that is dry, brittle and very thin due to over-processing and will not cut it because they believe long hair is beautiful, no matter what the condition. I have seen children as young as 3 years old with braids and weaves too long and heavy for such a tiny person to carry and the underlying message is…..”You are more beautiful if your hair is long.”  Adding these artificial hair enhancements sometimes destroys the growing tender hair of young girls, lessening the likelihood that they will grow up to have healthy hair, long or otherwise.  Unknowingly, parents can destroy a young girl’s confidence by subconsiously setting a standard of beauty they may not be able to achieve naturally.  Translation to a child, ”I am not good enough as I am.” Help your daughter to develop confidence and let her decide in what’s beautiful to her.  I am a believer that woman are free to do those things which make them feel better about themselves and do things that give them confidence.  Nothing wrong with trying new looks, natural hair, permanently straightened, wigs, weaves, braids, but let it not define who you are.  Black women are very versatile.  Have confidence and self-love, then experiment away.  I said all this to say…teach your daughter that she is beautiful as she is and that healthy is beautiful.  And yes, learn how best to care for her natural hair. 

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