Why Your Clothing, Your Man, Your Hair and Reality TV Don’t Define Black Women

February 28th, 2012 - By madamenoire

By Nneka

It is no secret that black women today are on the receiving end of a full on media assault. We see this in the way we are depicted in popular culture, in movies, television, music and blogs. We are portrayed as undesirable, uneducated, unfit and uncouth. Despite the fact that these depictions are categorically false and preposterous as evidenced in our real day to day lives, the media is all too happy to continue to spew this caricature of us.

The effects of this onslaught can be seen in the way we lead our lives. Some of us –though we may not readily admit to this, react to our vulnerable standing in society by looking outward for validation. We become shopaholics, addicted to staying on top of the trends; we skim online retailers while multitasking at work and hit up the mall after work incessantly looking for the newest piece of fabric or MAC blush, with the hopes that our purchase might even in the tiniest way give us that edge over the competition. Or, if that’s not you, maybe you seek validation in the arms of a man by going to great lengths to please him, whether that means loaning your car out to him twice a week, giving him money, or allowing him to get away with behavior that disrespects and demeans you, all for the sake of being able to say you have someone that claims you as their woman.

Then there are the women who spend a small fortune on their hair and keeping it impeccably styled while they are simultaneously late on their rent for the month. Now please don’t get me wrong, if this is not you, then I am not talking to you, but I think most of us can either relate directly to this or we know of someone who can. I understand that ALL races of women shop, allow men to get away with what they shouldn’t, and spend money on their hair. My concern is us as women of color and our underlying motivations when we participate in this irresponsible behavior. Could it be that we are trying to compensate for our feelings of unworthiness brought upon by our perceived low rank in society? If so, I would like to say that it will not work! These vices only help to further erode our self-esteem. The only way to respond to the media’s lies is to reject them!

We can show our rejection through our refusal to watch, purchase and patronize media outlets that propagate this false and incomplete image of Black women as a whole, instead of tuning into Basketball Wives on Vh1, we can tune into OWN. Instead of purchasing a Lil Wayne record, we could check out the latest offering from Esperanza Spalding. We can further show our rejection by using our education, intellect and ambitions to infiltrate the powers that be behind the networks and media outlets and becoming manufacturers of our own entertainment a la Tyler Perry and Oprah. And perhaps most importantly, we should show our rejection in our hearts, by affirming our self-worth inwardly; we do this by reminding ourselves of what our Creator says about us: “We are beautifully and wonderfully made in His image.”

Instead of seeking validation through unhealthy shopping excursions, men, and our hair, we should refocus our efforts into more formidable ventures such as learning about wealth building strategies; money is power and we as black women need to master our money in order to leave something for the generations to come. We can demand more from our men and carefully lay out our expectations, and if they are not met we can follow through on our threats to leave, fully knowing that there will be someone out there who will see us for the exemplary women we are. We can volunteer, get involved with a church or community group, or take up a new hobby because we know that when we focus on others and not ourselves, we begin to see the world differently and new possibilities and opportunities (not to mention new places to meet like-minded men) befall us. I challenge every woman reading this to turn your face from the lies you see about yourself on the television or computer screen, funnel your energy into more substantive entertainment and create new and more satisfying life habits that work to affirm and reinforce your self worth.

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  • Jgenesis760

    VH1-The Black Women act crazy while the White Women take your men!

  • Cameron

    I absolutely hate that Viola Davis felt the need to explain her natural hair decision. It just invites ignorant comments and unfair judgement on other black women who choose not to go natural. Why are we black women always being put into a box? It pained me to hear Guilianna DePandi on E! talk about Viola’s decision being empowering as a black woman when Guilliana herself has many many tracks of weave in her head. When is she gonna go natural? Why is it okay for her to wear enhancements and accessories and be okay, while black women are perceived as not being happy with themselves when they do the same. Just as curly haired white women straighten their hair and brunettes go blonde and almost every single white female celebrity under 40 now wears weave, so can we. If we choose to go natural, no biggy. If we straighten, no biggy. If we dye, well you get the drift.

    Acting like Viola’s decision was “brave” sends the implicit message that something is wrong with our hair and one must be brave to wear it! She just set back black women as far as I’m concerned. Once again, we have low self esteem when we do what every other adult women on the planet does.

    I can’t believe she didn’t realise what she was doing when she made a statement. Viola, you should have just worn it loud and proud and shrugged like it’s no biggy when people asked. That way, it’s just another option for black women. Tomorrow when you wear your wig again, you and every black women will be scrutinised as though you have regressed or something. and that’s a step backward for us. Because if Katie Perry can wear green hair, so can I. And that’s true empowerment. 

  • MixedUpInVegas

    This is a great article about a timely subject.  There is no doubt that women of color are being assailed from all sides by negative and unflattering depictions of ourselves.  Reality TV only adds gasoline to the fire and exposes the sellouts who will do anything to get attention and make a buck.  It is insulting on it’s face.

    The best way to deal with these ugly stereotypes is to live in such a way as to prove them wrong.  Carry yourself with dignity and pride, behave in a civilized manner in public and treat collegues, family and friends kindly and respectfully.  By not typifying the hoodish, loud behavior some people have come to expect, we will establish a new respect for ourselves and our daughters.

    • Chanda

      Others will respect us, too beleive it or not.

  • Chanda

    Well I don’t watch/support shows like BBW, Love and Hip Hop or shows of that nature. Gets too predictable and boring after awhile. But at the same time we have to stop worrying about what others think of us and just be ourselves. That’s all we can do. None of us are perfect and never will be so why constantly look over your shoulder or act phony to try to get other people’s approval. Don’t lose any sleep over these fools. If you were raised right and already know right from wrong then it’s time to let it go. For the sistas that are lost and don’t know any better, eventually she’ll catch on and if not then that’s on her. If she’s over 35 and still acting a fool then forget about it. Just handle your business, ladies.

  • http://profile.yahoo.com/UXJ4JMLPOTILHRV4ZIRKBCUTU4 sally

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  • CA Pullen

    I definitely agree.  As for me, I don’t support ANY THING that degrades black women.  Especially if it is blacks owning it and using it to  destroy and degrade us just to get paid.  I pray that all black women would wake up and stop watching and supporting basketball wives, bad girls club, and all this other foolishness .  This definitely has to start with the mind set change. 

  • NotABuppie

    Since when does having “natural hair” make a woman righteous or religious?  Wow really

    Yes I like to shop, yes I like to watch reality shows, yes I wear hair weaves and designer clothes.  What’s wrong with that?  Yes there are very loud, uneducated, weave wearing baby mamas in our community and other communities.   So what!  Women of color are excelling in business and education.  We have record levels of home ownership and economic prosperity as well as record levels of debt and single household parenting.  We are a diverse and unique group.  Hip Hop wives and BBW are simply a reflection of one segment of that group.  SO what.  It is a very entertaining segment of our group.  Just like I didn’t think I was going to grow up and be a Nanny when I watched GImme A Break I don’t believe that most Black women watch those shows and want to be those women.  It’s simply for entertainment.  

  • RedButterfly81

    I hate it when black men and other races compare me to the loud, uncivilized, ratched looking Barbie-wannabe black women who gets her hair and nails done before she pays her rent and bills and curses up a storm and curses out her kids! I can only be me, a down to earth, educated, church going, funny, and natural hair wearing black woman who doesn’t care about labels, weaves, and don’t have a big, round, Nicki Minaj booty. I also can’t stand reality TV and talk shows because whenever a loud, uneducated, wacky weave wearing black woman is on there have others think that all of us black women are like that. I’m tired of the YouTube videos of black men dissing us and try to convince them that not all black women are like what you said and then I get verbally attacked. I was raised by my parents who taught me to respect myself and others, be polite, put education and God first and taught me how to cook.

  • guest

     
    I love this article and it speaks volumes of what’s been happening in the
    media outlet regarding black women. I can’t turn on the television now without
    seeing something negative especially during the daytime. A black woman is either
    shouting at a man, or screaming at another sister or just speaking with a
    terrible vocabulary as if she has no sense! Instead of focusing on what our hair
    looks like and clothing we wear why isn’t there a movement on stopping these
    kind of shows of how we are being portrayed in the media? But this is a deep
    rooted issue that started decades ago about our self esteem and unfortunately
    its part of our history. So how do we reverse this? Black women need to
    support and respect one another period. Stop cursing and shouting at each other
    its fine to agree to disagree..If you work along side of a sista say hello! I
    can’t tell you how many times I have seen or have experienced this myself. This
    can help with our self worth everyone wants to feel loved and accepted.. If we
    did this more often, the media wouldn’t try to profit off of us disrespecting
    each other, quite frankly, media executives find it laughable and lucrative…
    now other races are jumping on the bandwagon on our natural hair vs. not natural
    hair and because this seems to be the main topic it has become political even
    more so because Viola chose to wear her hair natural. Why is everything always
    magnifed when it pertains to us! SMH…

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1136334572 Alicia Edwards

    I don’t watch, talk or write about the shows that are offensive to me…not worth my time. 

  • Janay

    Hands down the best article I ever seen on MN. I think you should repost it once a month until all women absorb it. Kudos

  • http://www.womenaregamechangers.com/ WomenAreGamechangers

    I completely agree with this posts. That is what my blog does everyday. I’m not against reality tv becasue there are really good, positive ones. But I am against the negative portrayal of women. And educating ourselves is necessary in order for us to leave a lasting legacy for the next generation.

  • hellifiknow

    Great piece….which deserves a larger font so all of us including those over 40 can read it…!!!!!!

  • Geri ,UK

    Well written article that represents  real women of colour . Re-think your values if you admire people like Evelyn Lozada and Shaunie O neal ,they’re good business women but will sell down there race and values  to make money and that is shameful. The younger generation of today do not have any role models to aspire too i.e, Maya Angelou ,Oprah  the list is endless instead they want to be like Beyonce  and co .Women of colour  have more than there bodies to offer .We are intelligent ,smart and good leaders but we as a community do not help ourselves because of this we are depicted as cheap and sleazy by the media. Women of today take a leaf out of condi rice,Michelle Obama  and many more women who make us proud to be us.

  • Bewetifulewe

    I find it amazing how other articles have hundreds and thousands of views, this one has less than five at the time I’m writing.  Many women – not just those of color are so caught up in reality tv and the sense of identifying with the “characters”.  I witnessed a caucasian woman, along with non-caucasians speak about the Braxtons, and she knew everything that was said on the show. All women, no matter the background can identify with someone on television, in the movies, etc, we just all need to know who WE are as an individual.  All the fuss over Viola Davis being natural at the Oscars makes me laugh because those that don’t agree with it are appalled at her decision because they don’t have the same self-confidence and identity as Ms. Davis.  In the elite circles of Hollywood – being a natural with short hair is something to conquer and Ms. Davis has done so wonderfully. So, yes all those things don’t define us, but it still weighs on us no matter who we are. 

    • Krisanish

      @ BEWETIFULWE… Did u read the article thoroughly, because she clearly stated that women of all races also do these things, but she’s focusing on women of color. Why are people always offended by the truth.

  • Tee

    Who has the perceived low rank in society? Is this what black women think?

    • Pris

      I take it you’re not black, since you’re posing the question? There is no denying that society views us negatively considering the insistent negative portrayal of black women. However I know the system is stacked so I don’t take it to heart. I’m not ashamed when I see a black person on tv acting a fool. Its impossible to expect our entire sex race to instantly get on that “act right”. All I can do is focus on me and make sure I’m not fitting the negative stereotypes while being “me” all at the same time. Its equally idiotic for someone to read and article or watch a tv show and conclude that instance to be a representation for an entire race or sex. 

  • Mia

    Let the church say Amen! The current state of reality TV does not accurately depict individuals in “real life”. Whether you are African American, Italian or Russian. It is voyoueristic in nature and should not be taken seriously and allowing it to dictate how we shop, react to situations in anger or deal with relationships.