When His Problems Shouldn’t Be Yours

March 7, 2012  |  
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When you care about someone, you want to take on their life, and that includes their problems. And while you should absolutely be a source of support and even of good advice for your partner, there are some areas of his life that is neither your business nor your problem. If you ever find yourself feeling drained, emotionally exhausted, or most frequently stressed than you were when single, your man may have put too much on you. Or, you might just be taking too much on.


Fights with his family

If your guy is in a fight with his family, don’t make it your mission to fix it. Don’t nudge him to patch things up, and give him apology scripts to read on the phone with him. So long as he is still treating you well, be happy for that and let him work things out. On top of that, if the stress of his fight with his family is making him lash out at you, don’t take that. Don’t walk on eggshells or just take verbal abuse. Tell him to figure it out with his family, and not bring that tension home to you.


Trouble at work

If he is struggling to discover a way to get a promotion, or get a special project, if you continuously pitch him ways to get what he wants at work, he will start to feel that you see him as a failure or lacking ambition. If he asks for your advice on how you would handle it, give it. But don’t check up too much on his progress. He’ll tell you if he wants to.


Emotional baggage

Did his ex leave a few emotional scars? Maybe paranoia over cheating? Or, being ultra sensitive to anyone seeming controlling? Emotional baggage possibilities are endless, but if your guy is aware that he has it, he needs to keep it on lockdown. He can’t irrationally blow up at you and say, “Sorry, just triggered something from my past relationship.” He needs to learn to handle those irrational emotions. You shouldn’t be taking the brunt for damage you didn’t’ do.


Fights with his friends

Similar to fights with the family, don’t push him to resolve things with his friends. He will feel like you think he can’t handle his personal relationships. Also, men just settle things differently than women do.



Unless you have been together for a really long time, perhaps you even live together, it’s not the best idea to help him when he is in a significant financial bind—like needs help with a loan or down payment on a car—to get involved. It’s hard to resist that temptation but if he struggles for a long time to pay you back, you may feel resentful. Even worse, if you two break up, it will be an awkward tie keeping you together post-breakup.


How he treated exes

We’ve all done things in relationships we’re not proud of. But, we learn. Your boyfriend may have treated his exes in a way that makes you cringe to hear about, but if you have no problem with the way he treats you, you can’t really freak out about the update on his history. He has obviously learned his lesson.

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  • I wonder if this were the other way around if it would be the same. Cause if u ask me, us men would sound like dogs if we treated u like this. Just a thought

  • Bitterswtkizz

    Personally I feel we are creating a NEW world of emasculated and or stymied MEN that aren’t being allowed to be the MEN they were NATURALLY created to be. Men should be guiding us in every sense of the word…WE need to trust our MEN and resign to the FACT that there isn’t anything that they cannot handle on their own. Our roles as women should be that of support(and that’s NOT always something physical, it’s MENTAL/emotional) IF asked but certainly NOT taking the seat of AUTHORITY over an issue that is their’s. As women we need to learn to LISTEN…because truly that might be what the situation calls for rather than the EXTRA miles we tend to take. OUR hearts aren’t crafted by the MASTER to take a seat of AUTHORITY, that’s environmental. I understand why this is so….these WOMEN that take on these roles have been or are with MEN that have FAILED in their ROLES so you’re asserting yourself as the GUIDE….I’m here to say STEP back, detach yourself and TRUST that he’s ABLE to CLAIM what is rightfully his in the boardroom, family issues, disagreements with friends and so forth—it’s a BEAUTIFUL thing for a MAN to know that when it’s ALL said and done you’re there but NOT overlapping in his TERRITORY! 

    Sidenote: the BIGGEST turn-on for me is a MAN that asserts himself in ALL aspects of his life and this alleviates undue STRESS on my behalf knowing that I have a MAN that’s in CONTROLl! I don’t desire a MAN-child,(I have NO problem massaging his temples/feet/back with plenty of kisses on top after a HARD’s day @ work, or listening to him as he devises a plan to a situation, or listening when he’s at odds with family and friends) but I absolutely refuse to TOTE around a MAN and a diaper-bag!

    • Think

      There’s no one size its all guide to relationships. Some women are better at leading than men, et cetera. Society’s deamnds on what you’re supposed to be because of your sex isn’t always correct and actually hurts people more than hlping them.

    • ReallyThough

       It sounds like you just traveled in a time machine from the 1700s.

  • MixedUpInVegas

    In the adult world, each partner brings something to the table of partnership.  Just because a couple is married, however, does not mean that they are not individuals with personal lives.  Just as the married partner is entitled to some degree of privacy, so is that person also entitled to handle their personal business themselves.

    Whether or not individual partners are good at, or successful at, managing their own affairs does not mean that the other partner is obligated to jump in and save them from themselves.  Some things are personal problems and best left to the creator of those problems.  It doesn’t mean you love him less; it means you value his “personhood” more.

    Best to know when to back up.