Joy & Pain: Reasons Why Women Stay In Abusive Relationships

February 18, 2012  |  
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For many of us, the question is simple: “why doesn’t she just leave?” But, surrounding that clear notion that abuse is bad, is a whole cloud of other emotions and twisted logic that makes it hard for women in abusive relationships to focus on the only thing they need to know: there is no excuse for abuse.

Here is some of that “logic”:

It didn’t start that way

Of course it didn’t. Do you think a woman would risk date #2 with a guy who laid hands on her or even showed any sort of aggression on date #1? Absolutely not, because she has no attachment to him at that point. Unfortunately, if a man has abusive tendencies, he is usually very good at hiding these until much later when he knows a woman is strongly attached to him. So, at that point, many women rationalize, “I know he’s not a monster—I know it because there was a time during this relationship when he was not abusive. We can get back to that time.” Nuh-uh. He has been waiting to get to this time—the time of abuse. This was no slip-up—no random occurrence that was triggered by something. It was a tendency that simply laid dormant in him for a while.

They don’t know it’s not normal

Believe it or not, some women just don’t know that abuse is not an inevitable part of any relationship. They assume that some level of abuse is going on in the relationships of all of their girlfriends, but that no one is talking about it. They tell themselves, “Abuse is inevitable. So I may as well take it from someone who I already have fallen in love with.”

They think they did something wrong

And you know what? Maybe they did. Maybe a woman purposely tried to make her man jealous. Maybe she straight up cheated on him. But you know what? There are millions of men who would never become abusive, even if they were cheated on right in front of their faces. Because abusive tendencies don’t come from the outside, they come from within. A man either has them, or he does not. But there is never an excuse to abuse. An emotionally stable man could take the worst treatment from a woman and keep his fists to himself. He would just dump her instead. Because that’s what healthy people do. They leave someone who does something wrong. They don’t hurt them.

They think hate=love

They only feel truly loved by someone who feels passionate enough about them to hate them at times. Some women have major insecurity problems and simple, healthy displays of love—like kind words, kind gestures and tranquility—bore them. They are incapable of feeling the passion from a man who is just nice. They can only see passion in aggression. So they only feel alive when dating an abusive man. That is an issue a woman must work on herself or she will walk out of one abusive relationship right into the next one.

The apologies are tremendous

Everybody likes a good make up session—maybe some passionate, deeply felt “I love you’s” once the storm has blown over. These make up sessions are amplified 100 times in abusive couples. They go from screaming and even hurting one another to desperately making out, crying, saying “baby I love you so much. I’m so sorry. I love you more than anyone has ever loved anyone.” See that last comment? These apologies can become addicting for some. They are intense—almost intense enough to make up for the abuse (not really of course, but to a fragile enough woman, they will do the trick).

They are equally as cruel

Don’t forget, women can be abusive too. In some relationships, both people are spewing venom at one another. If a woman is cursing at her boyfriend and throwing plates, she almost overshadows her boyfriend’s abusive tendencies. If both people are abusive, then within the relationship, neither one really feels abusive, because they just compare themselves to someone just like, well, themselves.

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  • donna

    I am passing through this and I also said I would never allow it. But it is more difficult then u think. Especially if rhere are children . He could be abusing me but to my kids hes wonderful. Wat do i do?


    I said it once and I’ll say it again, awesome sex, awesome sex, otherwise why put up with someone’s mindless BS. It’s even more sad when the abused person is rationlizing and making excuses, especially for some jackoff off of the streets. Ladies and gents  you need to love yourselves before allowing this kind of nonsense in your lives.

  • Njgal81

    If I knew the answer to this my sister wouldn’t be in the one she’s been in for over 15 years.

    • Nina Dashotta

      Don’t be fooled, your sister enjoys getting her azz whooped, that equals love to her…smh

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  • some woman stay in them because they are afraid to leave, they are afraid for their life, which should also be added to the list. 

  • Nina Dashotta

    Nope, I DGAF!!! My self esteem is not that low to allow a man to put his hands on me and like coco black said, my own father never laid hands on me, not even jacked me up when I was wilding out as a teen, why the hell would I let some random dude try that??? Most of the abused women are like the abusing man, they grew up in that environment and think its normal. I have mixed feelings with women who are abused because NOTHING in life you have to deal with except death, that inevitable. Being abused is not and my only advice to a woman that is being abused: you choose to stay because you thought he would change or you could change him, now what?

  • College kidd

    Sometimes women are afraid to leave because they don’t think they can find someone else to love them…it all comes down to insecurities.

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  • Coco Black

    Nope!!…never ever. My own Father never slapped or hit me so there’s no way on earth I’d allow a man who is supposed to care for me..abuse me!! I’m 35 now and know exactly what I would and wouldn’t put up with in a relationship. I have however dated men in the past who have def displayed “signs”…those signs were the reason I moved on.

  • IllyPhilly

    Apparently if anybody seen that The Game episode when Tasha gave that whole speech to Jason, That’s supposedly the top reason why.