Stupid Excuses for Having Kids Out of Wedlock

43 Comments
August 5, 2010 ‐ By Christelyn Karazin

You all are about to be recipients of a rant, so brace yourselves.

I am sick, irked, annoyed, vexed, riled, bugged and maddened about all the excuses made for the disgraceful reality that nearly 70% of black children are born out of wedlock.  But before I continue, let me make it clear that I too, am a ‘baby mamma,’ so put your claws back in.

My oldest daughter is the product of wishful thinking.  I WISHED, upon learning that I was pregnant, her father would have made me an honest woman, after a year-and-a half of him dangling that marriage carrot over me.  I WISHED that said father hadn’t been a man-child.  And finally, I WISHED I hadn’t been so über dumb-assed.

Now, at 12-years-old, my daughter cries about the unfairness of not being able to see her biological father everyday like her other friends, misses out on fun stuff like parties on the weekends her father takes her, and feels conflicting loyalties between the love she  naturally feels for her bio dad and the love that has grown between her step-dad, my husband.  And you know what?  I did that to her.  Her father did that to her.  Together we created a cluster-crock of past, present and future unpleasant and uncomfortable situations for an innocent child who didn’t ask for her parents to be idiots.

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  • Stacy Ann Brown

    Marriage is a spiritual and mental bond between two people…or more depending on ones religion. Looking at it from a christian point of view….the Bible distinctly says “take a woman and call her your wife”….evolution has made this thing so corrupt. prenups and all that. marriage is a financial arrangement these days. and why would someone opt to get married after a pregnancy because of the pregnancy. are u so sure u gonna be happy with that person? as easy as u marry someone its as easy as u can divorce.

  • Stacy Ann Brown

    love this post

  • http://mynameismisswhite.blogspot.com/ Miss White
  • professionalblkwoman

    I'm so glad to hear sensible black women being so vocal on the ridiculousness going on in our community. I am a professional black woman who refuses to date a man with kids, particularly OOW kids. I dont want any part of what is dysfunction in my eyes. Likewise, I wont be any man's baby mama.

    There was a previous post on blacknoir wherein the OP (a black man) said he doesnt date black women with kids, specifically the proverbial "baby mama" and folks got so upset.

    We have to stop getting upset when someone calls out piss poor behavior. The reality is what the BC has been doing isn't working.. Bravo to the OP.

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  • http://momsofhue.com Kristina Brooke

    Why should Christeyln feel the need to sugar-coat the facts? OOW births are NOT uplifting our community in anyway. Men who go around sleeping with everything that moves and women who allow these men to deposit w/o commitment are not helping to UPLIFT the community in anyway. Most children born into poverty, stay there. Most single parent households have a hard time making ends meet. Most single parents don't have the energy to parent at 60%. It is stressful and not necessary. Exceptions are not rules!

    A sign of the times? That is ridiculous. We are enslaving ourselves. And granted, I am married with a child and my marriage may not work, but my husband was committed enough to me marry me and we are committed enough to provide the best for our daughter. To build a life with me. My daughter is a product of love AFTER we married- not a product of lust…there is a difference.

    But there is so much more to it. The health of pregnant women who are going it alone suffers. When you are a single parent and you don't have someone there advocating for your health needs, your health can suffer as can that of your child. There is power in numbers and when you go it alone you are vulnerable and susceptible to so much more than if you had the support of a loving partner.

    Wise up! We are hurting ourselves.

  • tiannajoi

    Interesting article. I think we should be careful when discussing statistics. There is a big difference between a child coming from a home without a father living there, and a child not have a father at ALL in there life. Just because a father does not live in the house does not mean the child does not have a relationship with their father. I think the statistics you discussed are representative of children with no fathers.

  • tb

    I guess so. I look forward to reading. more of your work.:-)

  • Christelyn Karazin

    @tb, we're going to have to agree to disagree here. I truly hope the best for you, and that on some level, you'll take what I and others have said to heart. NWNW

  • tb

    Yes, she has looked far and wide for a mate and has not found one.

    Don't those same children deserve certain things too? So because said woman is not able to provide this child with what he/she needs then she should consider herself unfortunate and go in search of an unfortunate child?

    Why didn't you adopt?

    You are 100% right in that a child is not a fad.

  • Elaine85

    @ LadyJ316 Thanks for the concern, but I am cool in the area . . . trust me. I am all BUT frigid.

    But, really?? Where did you get any of your information? Apparently you probably don’t know many virgins or celibate people to make such a statement. There have been people abstaining and being celibate since the beginning of time, so I’m clearly not the first, and I won’t be the last. You might want to do some research on your own and see who really are the women who have problems with orgasms and “being frigid” in the boudoir.

  • Christelyn Karazin

    tb:

    Has said spinster gone through all her potential mates? I'm not just talking brothers; has she expanded her options to men of other races and cultures?

    To answer your question the, 30-ish spinster could have a child if she were not married and has given up all hope in her ripe old age…how about adopting one? Know how many kids need saving in the system? Those kids would DEFINITELY benefit from Ms. Spinter's brothers, uncles and male friends.

    And lastly, listen carefully: NOT EVERYONE IS "ENTITLED" TO HAVE A CHILD! Kids are not cell phone, iPads, Jimmy Chu's or any other type of accessory. They require certain things, and if you don't have them but want them anyway, then well, Ms. Spinster is selfish and self-centered, and I wouldn't want to be her child.

  • tb

    Yes because maybe you've lumped all women together. I do believe that children deserve a father and mother. But you're putting out a blanket statement. What about those who have both parents and still have issues and problems?

    When I was younger I felt the same way your daughter did. So I'm not saying you're entirely wrong. I just think that not everything works out the way it was intended. Yes, children do get the crappy end of the stick often times. But for you to put out such a blanket statement is a bit ….crazy?

    Question, if a woman wants to have a child at thirty. She can raise this child with no problem. She has brothers, uncles, and male friends who will serve as male influence in her child's life. Are you then saying that she should not go ahead and have a child?

    • Nut sack

      Uhhhh…yeah. Idiot. Why should that kid be robbed cause of the mother numbskull?

  • thelafemmenoir

    One question-

    Can someone ~~please~~ point out to me an area/community in this country where the AA OOW birth rate is at 20% or greater and the violent crime rate for said area is low or below national average? Scientific research has shown that there is a direct correlation between high OOW births and crime. It's so bad in my county that there is a commerical with the county sheriff telling father's: "Spend time with your children, before they end up spending time with me!" (meaning ending up in jail)

    Can someone please point me to the area where I can find the "village" that helps single moms raise their children? I seem to have not gotten my invitation. Perhaps it was an oversight on the administrations part.

    And finally, just from a biological aspect, if it wasn't necessary for a man to be present and part of the childrearing process, wouldn't we be asexual like the New Mexico whiptail lizard?

    In all ape & monkey species, the males actively participate in childrearing ( whether you believe in evolution or not you have to have noticed this), and they are said to be a lower life form? If they get it, why can't we? Or is it that we have de-evolved so far that we are not even on THEIR level?

    I am not attacking anyone, believe me, I am in no position to do so, but I find it hard to believe that a woman could think that playing russian roulette with her child's life is a good thing. Yes, a few turn out ok, especially amoung female children, but with males, it's even more rare for them to be successful. Perhaps a read of the book The Other Wes Moore will help you see the big picture in regards to the limitations single parenting has on the child?

  • Christelyn Karazin

    Just an observation, but I find it interesting (and not in a good way) that the two people who think that the OOW problem in the black community really "isn't a problem" never had the benefit of a two-parent household.

    THIS! *Picks up gun, puts in mouth, shoots.*

  • tb

    Short and sweet

    I agree with College Girl. I think this blog/article/piece has a point in that both parents should be involved. However, I believe having a child out of wedlock IS NOT THAT BAD!!

    It's a sign of the times ie there are more women who are doing it by themselves and who don't want/need a man around.There are educated black women who have children who often times turn out to be better than those coming from a two parent home or even privileged home………Montana Fishburne.

    I come from a broken home but my mother made sure she taught certain values us (my siblings and me). Now if the question is DID WE ALL FOLLOW, then the answer would be no. However, the lesson was still taught.

    I am a 25 year old black woman with a BBA. I plan on going back to school to further my education…just to state that I'm no fool…. but I'll be damned if I am suggested to get married for my child.

    I think what you may have done was lumped all black women together. You know, the "hood"/ "ride or die"/ "I'll ____ her up" woman with those who aspire to be better and then RETURN, to make it better for our people.

    That is all.

  • LadyJ316

    I come from a stable two-parent home. My parents are still married and neither of them have children outside of their marriage. I honestly think that gave me a leg-up in someways. I'm faaarrrr from perfect but know I'd be a lot worse off if I hadn't had a Father to rescue me from myself at times. My nuclear family gave me was a team and I grew up wanting to represent our team well. My Mother knew without a shadow of a doubt that my Father chose to spend every waking moment of his life nurturing our family, therefore she was able to function in a manner that gave all of us mental security. In high school, I knew I had a date to the Father daughter dance. I knew if a male came to see me my Daddy would make him totally uncomfortable on purpose. I knew that no matter what there were two people in the world that loved me unconditionally so I wasn't subconsciously searching for it in the streets. When your mind is filled with thoughts of resentment, regret and unrequited love, it's hard to feel balanced. It's possible to be productive (great job, money, cool friends etc.) but it's that internal unrest that helps perpetuate the cycle of broken relationships which produce single parent homes. I'm confident in my ability to relate to men (namely my man) in a healthy way and I mediate on passing the same values to my own children whenever God decides to bless me with a marriage to cover them with. I also use birth control and I encourage any sexually active unmarried person to do the same.

  • college girl

    @cigo8179, I absolutely agree with your perspective on this issue. And as you stated minorities are not the poster children for dysfunction, it is an individual choice. well said, I repeat well said

  • Elaine85

    I meant to say "when you **can't** even provide the love and financial support for the child(ren).

  • MimiRose

    "No wedding, No womb!" is definitely my motto, when it comes to me being a parent. I am not interested in doing the "shacking up" thing with a paramour either. In my opinion, I think it has to do with the fact that I was raised in a two-parent household (with both parents who were active roles in my upbringing).

    Despite being aware of the multitude of reasons of why there are single mothers, I agree with Christelyn's commentary. I'm sure her ranting is not aimed at EVERY single mother, but I think I know what type of single mom she is talking about:

    -The aforementioned "I am going to have this baby because I think it is going to turn my Man-child of a boyfriend into an actual responsible adult" single mom.

    -The soon-to-be-expecting girlfriend of the "multiple kids by multiple women and is shirking all of his paternal responsibilities" man. But, she thinks that he is going to be a different kind of father with HER kid.

    -The woman with the five kids, who each were conceived by a different man, because she thought each man was going to be "different than the previous one".

    -The woman who says "he doesn't like to use condoms and I don't use birth control…I'm pregnant…oh, well".

    Do you see where I am going with this?

  • awilkerson202

    Is kinda laughing at how hard everyone is goin in on College Girl. I mean this is a blog and she is entitled to her opinion. I am a single mom. and i can definitely see what the writer is trying to say: Stop the cycle of popping out babies to men who will lay with you but wont put a ring on it….i get it. and she is right. there is no excuse for having babies out of wedlock and i dont think it should be praised cuz that not how it was meant to be. I do well for my son and i am educated, however, his father is not in his life and i know he will one day wonder why (he is only a year old now) Thats something i will have to deal with but i cannot hang my head and live my life full of regret. Its just a lesson learned. Now will i choose to bear another child out of wedlock? Hell NO! Simply because i want my future children and my son to grow up in a traditional family. thats my dream….with all that being said, i also understand where college girl is coming from, while i dont feel she was recommending doing away with marriage and just raising the all the babies alone, she was simply saying that life is a blessing and not matter what kind of situation you were in when you got pregnant, you should NEVER apologize for your child! I agree. and some of the other women that commented did have the tone of regret in their comment. I dont know if they meant it that way or if it was just coming of that way. also i thinks she was trying to say that both single parent and two parent households can raise troubled children, which is the truth. all in all i think we all agree that it is best for a child to be raised in a household with 2 parents….but if you do find yourself in a single mother situation, just learn from it and try to upbuild fellow single moms, not degrade or berate them….or excuse them….also, we have to stop being so defensive when people dont agree with out opinions. Its rude, wrong and just plain tacky. Opinions are just like the nose on your faces, EVERYONE has one:)….be blessed!

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  • neecy

    CollegeGirl,

    I’m sorry I missed the part where Christelyn was trying to make women feel bad, ashamed or guilty for having an OOW child. Especially since she already pointed out she too had a child OOW. First off, you're still in college which means you still have a lot to learn. As a woman in her mid 30's I can tell you there is NOTHING to be proud of for choosing to be a single mother. YES things happen. that is not what this article is about! Its also not about making women feel ashamed for what is already done. Its pointing out that its time for women to start spreading the word to each other and our future generation of girls that its NOT OKAY to just pop out a baby with some dude cause you’re seeing him at that moment.

    As a woman you should be all to happy to hear and see women telling each other to stop settling for less and allowing themselves to have a child before a male commits marriage. Having a child should be the most thought out process a woman should ever make. Its a lifetime commitment and a LIFE you are creating! Why make such hasty decisions with men who have not even gone as far as to say I love you enough to marry you and offer a stable life/family for our future child??? How is raising a child alone pleasant for the mother or the child? How many single mothers who had OOW kids are typically struggling? Most women who can AFFORD to have a child by themselves don’t even make that choice b/c its more to raising a child than just being able to provide financially for them. And to the women who do say they are going to have a child without the father, then more power to them. But they IMO are being selfish. I don’t know one kid who would forsake having a mother AND father in their lives.

    I luckily came from a two parent home. And while my parents divorced at an early age, I still had the benefit of having two married parents when I came into this world. I can honestly see the difference in my friends who came from a two parent household to the ones who came from a single parent household.

    My mother also ensured she had her child by a man who respected and loved her enough to marry her. Whatever happens after that, no one can ever really know. But at least when two adults make the decision to have a child and to bring them into a stable family unit they are not thinking simply of themselves and their needs but the overall benefit to the child. I cannot imagine life without my father. I really can't. I feel so lucky to have had a very hands on father. many of my friends didn't have that benefit.

    Did you read it? Understand it? This article is NOT about those situations in where a single parent household is a result of a deceased father or some other uncontrollable situation.

    Black women / men making a conscious decision to have a child with a male who has not even committed MARRAIGE to her is NOT acceptable. Its not fair to the children – PERIOD. There are studies that prove it. Since you are in school right now, maybe you can look em up. There is plenty of stats and studies that show children who come from two parent homes make out overall a lot better than those who come from single parent homes.

    I am so sick of Black folks always foaming at the mouth b/c someone is trying to tell them something right. look around you. Tell me one positive thing about being apart of contributing to a single parent home, or even coming from one? Please list all the POSITIVE benefits that the 70% OOW birthrate in the Black community has brought forth? I won't hold my breathe.

    Yes ish happens and sometimes women do slip up and become pregnant and decides to keep their babies despite the unstable relationship with the father. this should not be the norm but the exception. unfortunately for Black folks its the norm.

    Within the Black community there seems to be no concerns whatsoever about just popping out baby after baby with different males who have not made a commitment to the mother or child.

    How is it fair to the millions of Black children who don't have a father in the home? Just b/c you and some other self righteous Blacks want to pretend that someone is always picking on "da black community" doesn't ultimately help future generations of Black children who may also contribute to the OOW phenomenon.

  • rainebeaux

    all of this boils down to two things: p!ss-poor impulse control and subterranean self-esteem. I was guilty of both. Yes, I too was/am ashamed, if for no other reason than God DOESN'T BLESS MESS: my daughter deserves better than one functional parent (me) and grandparent (my mother) each; ZERO great-grandparents; and a bio-dad whose idea of commitment (damn a ring) was tying a woman down with a bastard child, partaking in lies of omission, making more excuses than are allowed by state law, and emotionally beating her down over several years! In other words, I don't think I'm allowed to take a husband until five years from now or until dude DIES (whichever comes first).

    ______

    Shame on you, collegegirl, for defending the indefensible! this phenomenon (for the lack of a better word) has relegated what is left of the African-American collective to HELL'S BASEMENT…and the best you can come up with is "I was raised without a father in the house, and I turned out fine!"? Just stop it.

    Let me say this once more for those in the cheap seats: THERE IS NO VILLAGE/COMMUNITY; moreover, I wouldn't wish certain zip codes in my city–socialitedreams and I live in the same one, and I know all too well of which we speak! Ask Dr. Google about me if you don't believe it–on my imaginary worst enemy! Wake up and smell the half-soy/half-calf mocha latte, young lady….I ain't holding down or helping rebuild a "community" that wants me DEAD, dig it!

  • college girl

    @socialite dreams! I never insinuated that single parent homes and two parent homes are the same! please re-read my statements. I disagreed with what she stated in her article which I have the right to do. Moreover, the article seems to insinuate that women who are single parents should feel ashamed of their actions and I don't believe that should occur. There are a number of factors as to why children are raised in a single parent household: one parent may be deceased, has forsaken their family and you must also look at the environmental factors. does having a two parent household in an impoverished and or economically disadvantaged neighborhood, protect your children from the perils and the transgressions they will face? All I am saying is that we need a community renaissance (rebirth) that can re-create and reconstruct our communities because you can have a two parent household, but it can't help safe guard your child from harm if you live in a community that is infested with temptations such as joining gangs, partaking in suicides, homicides etc. We need to heal and reconstruct our community and in doing so two parent households can be a beneficial factor in helping our kids attain plight. And @Lashaun Williams, I have the right to express my views according the 1st amendment, and when someone tries to impugn my intelligence by name calling, hence trollpania, professionalism is lost. it is uncouth behavior and I will not indulge in name calling because it just shows that childish actions prevail instead of enduring criticism.

  • LaShaun Williams

    As a step-mother and biological mother of two children, I agree with Christelyn–hands down. My step-daughter comes from one of the best baby mama/one night stand situations possible. It's better than most divorces, but she is still impacted by her situation. Christelyn is so right about conflicted loyalties and missing out on thing because of custody arrangements. My step-daughter can't really be involved in any regular activities because she can't attend them regularly. No matter how friendly everyone, she is uncomfortable when both sides of her family show up for an open house at school.

    @collegegirl Regardless of the defensiveness of those from single-parent households, the experience shape who you are–which is why most go on to be single-parents themselves. I come from a two-parent household and so do my children. There is a very big difference between their comfort levels, confidence and self-assurance than those of my step-daughter. When we stop getting defensive and defending single parenthood, strides will be made and Black people may at least attempt marriage.

  • college girl

    wow! how uncouth of you! you really need to do a lot of growing! Blog or article you still should have placed the website or information about your sources in the article. you are truly an uncouth women that does not have class, and cannot endure criticism. There are a lot of people in this world that are not going to be as nice as me or agree with you wholly, thus you must learn to accept feedback and you should feel ecstatic that I felt compelled to write a comment about your piece. I just didn't agree with it, which is okay! Please do not try to make this a polarized blog just because people do not agree with your claims. P.S. I would embark on replying to your childish retort, but I have too much class and am willing to over look your accusations i.e. troll. However, I am appalled by your behavior, you must always remain professional and agree to disagree with whatever the case maybe. Please continue to grow and learn to take criticism because you cannot grow or obtain a broader outlook on life if you remain incompetent. And BTW, I am very competent. Also, please do not contrive words that are not found in the oxford english dictionary, hence, Trollpania. And reality does not suffice you need to furnish fact based evidence. Lastly, I am not here to ensue a cyber altercation, I am here to express my views about your article and this is a public sphere which enables me to do so.

  • Christelyn Karazin

    College girl, you must not have read (or comprehended) my entry. (Seriously, are you from Trollpania? Is this real person?) I have a whole list of facts, that as a writer/journalist I can back up. I welcome you to double check.

    This is a blog entry, not a news article, but trust and know those stats are based in reality.

    On second thought– I KNOW you didn't comprehend–I HARDLY ASSERT to be impartial. This IS personal, thus is the motivation for my opinions. You get that I was a single parent right?

    Wow. Just…wow. I think you are a troll. Not responding to you anymore, for fear of acquiring troll warts.

  • college girl

    How Ironic! someone who is suppose to be impartial when disseminating information to the public sphere cannot endure criticism! HA! Also, it seems as though you're a bit defensive! Instead of stating the facts you attack people who do not conform to your beliefs! I think you have a lot to growing up to do! Also, when presenting statistics please ask yourself why these issues occur instead solely touching on the surface. A good reporter/journalist always cites their sources such as according to … these are the percentages but you failed to do so. Also, I do not concur with the fact that you blatantly stated that women who have children out of wedlock should be ashamed of their actions. there are other things that you failed to mention in your article, such as children who reside in a two parent home have just as many problems if not more than the child raised by a single parent. please also look at the economical situations as well as the neighborhoods where these families reside because there are are a multitude of reasons that young children are having children. @KEEP IT COOL, I absolutely agree it takes a village to raise a child and in these impoverished communities it takes more than just a two parent household,. Thus miss overly cantankerous Karazin please look at other factors i.e. the environment because we cannot prevent suicide, behavioral problems etc, with out healing our communities, thus, we need a community renaissance not just a two parent household. have a good friday. god bless

  • KEEP IT KOOL

    I said members of council and meant to say members of congerss

  • KEEP IT KOOL

    @ College Girl – not only do I agree withyou, it was very eloquent.

    I still say it takes a village and it always will. My mother was a single parent but she had HELP from my grandmother and our extended family and community.

    I am a single parent and have 2 children who have been on the honor roll since the started school, one has been commemorated by all the members of council at the white house as a national young leader another has been on the front page of the local newspapaer because of her proliferate academia but I also have HELP!!!

    IT IS GOING TO TAKE US ALL?VILLAGE PEOPLE

    Stop complaining and make your contributions. The End…

  • college girl

    I am very perturbed with this article! I feel as if you are insinuating that women who have children out of wedlock should be ashamed of their actions, due to the emotional toll that it takes on their children. This statement however, is preposterous! I come from a single parent home and not once have I ever blamed my mother for the reason of not living in a nuclear household. Have you ever thought that some women do plan on staying with their child's father for eternity? WELL SURPRISE, IT DOESNT TEND TO ALWAYS HAPPEN THAT WAY. Some women are just as appalled, when they find that they are left alone to solely care for their children, which was not their intentions. Also, maybe the mother and father decided that it couldn't work, or maybe one of the parents was abusive? there is a multitude of factors that contribute to why single parent households are significantly increasing. Moreover, I have read through the comments and some of these women sound as if they feel ashamed of their actions. Don't feel ashamed because god has blessed you with the gift to give life. how dare you infiltrate such melancholy thinking into the minds of these readers!!! I plan to be a lawyer and I am going to make my mother proud and I'll be darned if I ever make my mother feel ashamed because she is the reason why I am here breathing, healthy and able to fulfill my mission in life!!! P.S. I think you need to recant the information you are disseminating in your article and stop feeding the stereotypes that we as people of color are classified under. There is only a minute population who may fall into this stereotype and you cannot change something that you cannot prevent! have a good day

  • KEEP IT KOOL

    I ABSOLUTELY enjoyed this article! I thought it was insightful, and personably compassionate…

    However, I dont think that "marriage" is necessarily the answer or "wedlock" is the absolute problem???

    We have to make better choices as ADULTS in my opinion. It is very possible to raise healthy minded, successful prone, God-fearing children with and/or without either of these scenarios. Where we falter is by allowing our "feelings" or lack thereof??? For the non-custodial or non contributing parent, to have an effect on how WE parent.

    As a single mother myself (which I'm sure you all could tell with all the courtroom lingo?!) I dont think it's fair or natural that no matter I have a broken arm, or a broken heart or menstrual cramps, or homework, or migrane headache or blah blah blah – I STILL have to come home and be a mother??? A SINGLE mother?

    I had to tell my 2 babies "LISTEN – before I had you, I DIDN'T have you?? So that makes me an individual seperate and apart from being your mommy and I need time to be that individual seperate and apart from you two at times! (Not only did they understand, they also agreed)

    I believe in the old adage 'It Takes A Village To Raise A Child" YES we should "try" but all are not willing. YES we want the two parent homes; but that is not OUR reality. I wouldn't care who else was in the home my; my Mama, sister, neighbor, distant cousin – but there MUST be a shift in this paradigm because black Women are suffering greatly because of it.

    YES we can all succeed as a family and community if we are willing to re-raise ourselves and incorporate up-to-date values and morals because most are antiquated and misconstrued.

    THIS IS A CONVERSATION THAT COULD GO ON AND ON… BUT AT THE END ALL WE HAVE IS EACH OTHER AND EVERY OTHER RACE SEEMS TO GRASP THAT CONCEPT???

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  • tryintogetrite

    I totally agree with you! I am a single mother of 2, that’s right 2, and I kick myself everyday for putting my kids through this. While you WISHED, I NEVER THOUGHT! My kids see their donor once a month and the oldest is really missing spending time with him, but it’s always an excuse. He grew up without his father so he knows what they are going through but he is selfish. But I blame myself because I know better. Then I was being selfish, now I have 2 mouths to feed besides mine with little to no help! I have talk to my nieces all the time about this. I only hope that they listen…

  • http://thebrownbabe.blogspot.com Brown Babe

    This is such an important statement to make – it may be harsh, but it is definitely true. I was an out of wedlock child, the product of teen parents that thought they were in love and ready to bring a child into the world. I am adamant about not bringing a child into this world outside of a committed relationship. While I know that being married does not guarantee a stable or happyhome, I think it at least gives a fighting chance at it rather than setting up for failure. I think it is incredibly selfish and I wouldn't want to purposely subject my child to what I had to go through. And knowing the odds…who would?!?!?

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  • http://www.youtube.com/730ian cigo8179

    I feel very connected to this story.. Being that I come from a fatherless home.. It didn't shape my life nor does his absense impact my life in anyway… I feel like yes a one parent household can be just as effective as a two parent home.. But, that is not our reality.. Unfortunately a lot of these black women become resentful of the man and it deminishes the relationship between all parties.. I am not a complainer and hold no ill will towards my father for his choices.. I am not a saint but I do feel that I am a well adjusted young male.. I feel society with all its studies and theories.. Have put these ideas into the mainstream public particularly with african-american males.. Minorities are not the poster children for dysfunction.. It is individual choice.. I could have the best household or the worst but, if I make decision that deter me from living a productive life that has no merit towards my parents but my lack of self growth and knowledge of self-worth.. It is becoming monotonous; this psychological study of human interaction and behavior it's becoming ridiculous.. If you don't have a father your life is destined for destitution! Get outta here!! JMHO!!! PEACE AND LOVE!

  • qshukura

    I'm a single to three OOW children, and I totally agree with you 100%! I had to come to terms with this is more my fault because I had the choice and free will to choose better, and I chose not to, because as another poster stated, I was being selfish myself and moreover careless. However, it is so easy to fall into the blame game that so many black women chime, "black men are dogs", yada yada yada, but who decided to lie down with those dogs. Yes we need to educate the young women and girls among us, that not only is it about who you know, but also who you chose and the choices you make. Make wise and informed choices concerning men.

  • Socialitedreams

    It baffles me how the evidence that this way of living clearly hasn't worked out for our community, yet we continue to be extremely careless with sexual behaviors and children's futures. Just…UGH! Here's an awesome article that ties in GREATLY with this:
    http://sojournerspassport.com/magical-thinking-ab

    hope that you enjoy that piece as well!

    http://socialitedreams.wordpress.com

  • awilkerson202

    I agree. I dont think anyone should make excuses about having kids out of wedlock…its a matter of making not-so-smart choices in life (which is something everyone has done, not just single moms)…its good to own your mistakes….many of us single moms get burned but we just have to learn our lesson and not keep doing the same thing.I dont think we should be too critical of each other cuz that won't solve the problem. Can't change the past. All we can do is work to improve our future!!!

    • Just Sayin’

      No, that makes no sense. You should be more critical of yourselves…that prevents the stupid behavior. And “owning up” to your mistakes shouldn’t be at the expense of an innocent life.