Someone Please Tell Emily The Rules of Break Ups and Make Ups

February 7, 2012  |  

There’s no hope for “Love and Hip Hop’s” Emily B. I’ve accepted it and I’m almost OK with it, except for the fact that she doesn’t know how to be dumb on the low.

There’s a reason people say don’t tell your girlfriends everything about your relationship. One, it’s so you don’t fall victim to the hater friend who’s never going to like the man you’re with regardless of who he is, and two, it’s because once you air your man’s full load of dirty laundry you can never repair his reputation with your girls. You may have forgiven him, but your friends probably never will.

Emily failed on that rule big time. Not only did she tell her friends every trifling thing that Fab did wrong to her, she gave about 3 million viewers tons of reasons not to respect that man every Monday night for two seasons, now we’re supposed to keep our eyes peeled for the day these two make a happy home nine years after being “together?” Not gone work.

As if Em didn’t sound silly enough on last night’s Love and Hip Hop Reality Check Reunion, after it was over she instagramed a photo of Fab sleeping on her chest with the caption “Don’t Sleep On Us.” If they were an undercover couple new to the scene, or if he was worth a damn as a man, the pic would be cute, but knowing what we know about him, her, and the next 30 chicks, it just makes you want to say, no, Emily. You’re the one who’s sleeping.

I’m past getting angry at her for being with Fab, I just want her to go about this whole break-up/make-up/fake separation situation a little bit smarter, and a lot more discreetly. It’s hard to feel the same level of giddy excitement that she does when she talks about a man finally claiming her about ten years in. Where they do that at? Especially when you know the next day she’ll be crying again.

Whenever my friends and I were reuniting with an old thing we kept it on the absolute low. It was always funny because we’d pretend to be mad at one another for not telling but we knew exactly why we didn’t: we had no idea if the situation would turn out well and we didn’t want to hear anyone’s mouth. So, instead of being all googly-eyed and saying “Antoine sent me flowers and we’re going on a date tonight” and hearing, “the same Antoine who cheated on you with those three girls and lied about it when you caught him?” you just go do you, and if it works out after the trial reuniting period, great, you’ll tell the world. And if not, well, you’re the only one who has to know about it. There’s no embarrassing “I told you sos” or explanations about what lessons you learned because you kept everyone else out of it.

I get that Emily’s in some version of love but she needs to stop trying to sell everyone else on it. The public isn’t buying it and I’m inclined to think she’s trying to convince herself that situation is right by getting everyone else’s approval.

Everyone has been dumb and in love before—maybe not for nine years—but most of us have experienced an on-again/off-again/never speaking to him again/back with him again mess of a relationship. When you’re in a situation like that you just have to keep it close. No one is going to understand why you keep going back and no one will get why you’re crying but still refuse to leave, but the key to not having to explain any of that to people is keeping a tight lip on your break-up and make-up. If the relationship is just between two people, then all the other messy stuff should be to.

Have you ever broken up with a guy and had to deal with criticism from friends when you took him back? If you’ve ever still messed around with an ex, were you quick to tell your friends or did you keep it on the hush until you knew it was going somewhere?

Brande Victorian is a blogger and culture writer in New York City. Follower her on Twitter at @be_vic.

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