With that said, I do wonder if there is a variable to this whole love thing that we are all missing here? Maybe Folu has it figured out. Perhaps we give up on the ones that we feel are not the “one” too soon because they don’t give us butterflies, the moon and the stars every time we are around them. Hell, I know from experience that most of the guys that gave me butterflies also were the ones that gave me the most heartache too. Maybe searching for love is overrated. Maybe what we think is love is just based on fleeting moment of loneliness or lust. Perhaps we spend so much time creating the most intricate emotional check list of what our potential soul mate is suppose to be that we fail to see what has been staring us right in front of our faces: the boring and safe guy.
I know that there are folks out there who don’t always rush into relationships, let alone love. Those people are called friends. Yes, it’s true. There are guys and girls, who start out as platonic buddy-buddies and then after years of dating and romancing other folks, have asked themselves, why haven’t I dated this person before? Then suddenly the barrier between lovers and friends comes crashing down and they realize that the love they had been looking for is right in front of their eyes. Or at least that’s how it happened in Brown Sugar.
They say that love is all about chemistry but some folks do choose to be in love, if they can find someone they are compatible with including shared future goals and a value on devotion. After the physical attraction, sexual energy and those pesky butterflies flutter away, all you are left with is just a man (or woman). However it is the chemistry of love, which draws us to a person in the first place. Whether it be a person’s looks or personality or a dozen of other traits in a person we find attractive. And it will be those traits in which we look back on and hold on to when the endorphins wears off and we begin to settle into a relationship.
Also, there is something to be said for being in a relationship with someone, who is “nice” to you. I’ve been there before. He was totally different than what I had dated. He opened doors, returned calls and I never had to worry about how he felt about me because he told me – often. I thought that was good enough. I thought that his respectfulness would sustain us, more specifically me. But it wasn’t. After a year, all the other things that I found we weren’t compatible on began to surface. And I began to feel suffocated. What I realized is that, for me, love was very much tied to a feeling of emotional connections. And without it, it just can’t work. Likewise, I learned that a potential partner is supposed to be nice and respectful to you. That’s not a unique or special trait but rather a reflection of him as a decent and good human being.
While I think its possible to eventually fall in love with someone, I don’t know if that is something that should occur after the nuptials have been taken. I mean, what if Folu marries this man, and doesn’t feel the love she had thought she would eventual feel? What happens to her then? More importantly, what about the feelings of poor Tayo? Poor, mislead, lovesick Tayo? The whole thing just lacks clarity to me. And if anything, just illustrates why you shouldn’t rush into any relationship without full reassurance.
Charing Ball is the author of the blog People, Places & Things.