8 Big Mistakes Baby Mothers Often Make

February 8th, 2012 - By LaShaun Williams

This post only applies to single mothers who were never married and find themselves on an emotional rollercoaster with the father of their child or children. It is intended to be the swift kick in the behind your family and friends have been trying to give you for the better for months—maybe even years.

Most women do not plan or desire to hold the baby-mama title. But, with a 73 percent out-of-wedlock birthrate, nearly three-fourths of black mothers fit the mold. That makes the handling of “baby-daddies” a real issue in our community. Sex is generally an emotional act for women and those emotions are often magnified during pregnancy and continue into motherhood. And what is a hormonally complicated time becomes more emotionally complex when the situation gets real—he’s with other women, he’s too busy to visit more than a few times a month, he’s maybe even hoping you might go for an abortion–the list goes on.

Angry, confused, desperate—some single mothers entertain foolishness that only ends up eating away at their self-worth and esteem in the end.

So to save yourself (or a friend) from further heartache and/or catching a case, here are eight of the biggest mistakes to avoid:

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  • keepitrelle

    Ignorance is bliss!  Any woman can end up a “baby mama”. The assumption that a single mother was never married, didn’t know enough about the man, or has created a negative environment for their child is simply ignorant and judgemental. 

    Each of you mentioning your fiance’s or husbands and how great they are often end up the “baby mama”. Your hubby can walk out tomorrow. You can be widowed, or you can wake up and stop pretending that you’re happy and walk out yourself.

    Life is a constant changing environment. Many women have learned to adapt.
    The main benefits of single motherhood…
    You aren’t keeping some jerk in your child’s life!
    The happiness of each individual parent for the long run.
     Your children’s happiness. Children in a home with a bad marriage are worse off than those of single mothers.

    The title “baby mama” is considered negative only in our community because men use it as a negative. We are so ditzy that we buy into it.  Women of all races, all around the world raise their own children for a variety of reasons. And they do a good job.  Single motherhood is not the root cause of african’s americans failing. Ignorance is the root!@b837d3b013d6d85ca7bae01de34aa8fd:disqus 

    The “proven statistics” that are drilled down our throats are comparing educated married homes to uneducated single family homes.  When you measure educated to educated and uneducated to uneducated you will find that the education of the parent or parents is what makes or breaks the future of the child. 

    It is real crazy that no one negatively calls a man a “baby daddy” when he stays and raises his children on his own. Instead he is called “A wonderful Father”

    Women wake up! Hating and judging other women is only hating yourself.

    • Balance

      No, No, No…there 73% out of wedlock births in the black community.  That’s 3 in 4 children born outside of marriage.  So it’s clear that being a baby mama is not a divorce issue.  And there’s a difference between being a divorcee and a baby mama.

      • sweettea

        Statistically there is no difference. When they make these surveys they don’t ask have you ever been married they ask are you married now.

  • TRUTH

    M FROM AFRIKA… and wat the black amerikanz face we face too… M not married and m 30… never had kidz… i was raised by a single parent… i was bitter most of my life and that led me to do the wildest thingz… I have matured now n dsnt want that for my kidz… OUR AFRIKAN GIRLZ SLEEP AROUND CANT TRUST MOST OF THEM… they scream into our faces… IF I GET MARRIED 2 A GIRL AND SHE TENDS 2 SCREAM ALWAYZ…………………. I WILL BOUNCE… THO M TAKING A BIG RISK… my friend is staying with a girl they have a 2yr old baby… bt he is depressed and she is depressed in that house just for the kidz sake they live 2getha… KIDZ BORN N RAISED IN SUCH HOUSEHOLDZ TEND TO B BITTER AFTER ALL

  • Kashbmaryd

    Must be hard being a single parent. I dated a chick one time with 3 kids. She got no child support. Some women have the baby at 13 (and not necessarily by choice) so don’t assume that all women are just emotional and want a sexual bond. Sometimes situations are more complicated than this article suggests. For those of you that have a choice, please get married first. And I don’t mean at a drive-thru on a drunken night in Vegas either. Take the time to know someone. Set standards for yourself. And make sure the person you marry has the same religious ideals as you (I’m not talking about just Christianity either. Even Christians have deep disagreements). This is a lengthy process but I can promise you it is better than having a baby by someone that doesn’t love you first.

  • http://www.facebook.com/RosarioRed Rosario Stefania Scarsci

    I agree with this list. A lot of people get p off when I say that if I ever got preggo out of wedlock, that I’d have an abortion. I know it sounds cruel, but I’m the kind of woman who goes to extra lengths to protect myself. I know that I do not want children, but I am not going to stop enjoying sex. So, what I do is protect myself the best I can and if an accident happens I’ll take care of it. I just don’t like the idea of 1. Having kids (at all) 2. Being a 21 year old college student with a child/expecting. 

    • DAO

      I appreciate your candor about your personal choice. Not too many people are ballsy enough say it, and so many are quick to judge those who do. I’ve always thought the irony of people who are super safe in preventing pregnancy and have a clear vision of their future are the ones who would make wonderful parents. :-)

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_ZHDMT35LRERMKEBTGKD7CQ5O6Y ms campbell

    I think they should do an article like this giving advice to the fathers. Its so sad but I know so many fathers dealing with stupid women who make they’re life hell and wont give them the chance to be real fathers b/c they don’t love or want to be with the mother. It is very possible for a man to have a child who means the world to him & not even wish to lay eyes on the mother & vice versa! And @ Cantria2012, that is such a silly thing to say, how about get to a positive & mature relationship with the father so you two, together can properly raise your child. I hate when women blatantly show how simple minded they are about what they want in life! are those lil couple hundred dollars worth a child growing up with no father figure just b/c u want some xtra funds…i hope not SMH!!!

  • Demps23

    Wow, you all wrote this article as if your this single,bitter baby-momma. #BC

  • Jbelkaro

    Single motherhood/baby momma status is accepted and rewarded.  It is largely responsible for the decline of the community’s economic status and social status — generally speaking.  It needs to stop BUT won’t as long as people accept it, make excuses, and the government keeps rewarding BMs with $$ and other benefits.

    • Flight1

      I do believe if there was no such thing as welfare, single family homes would be close to non existant.

  • Dawja

    Close your fukkin’ legs and get to know that thug-headed bum that you claim to like so much.

    Wear a fukkin’ condom before you bust out that bird ‘cuz you ‘just had to have her.’

    THINK PEOPLE!!! TOO MANY OF YA’LL ARE JUST TOO STUPID TO BREED!!

  • Chocotasticrabbit

    I’m a single mother who isn’t emotionally attached to my kids father but I just had to read this article. I did recognize a lot of the females I know in this article. One thing a lot of people fail to realize is that a lot of us single moms were in a committed relationship that fell apart after a few years only to have the guy be bitter and use the kids as pawns.

    • secret

      Committed relationships<<<<<<marriage

  • guest

    I had a child younger than i wanted but continued my education and my child is very well taken care of im a good mother and have been blessed enough to have a good family. Some of these comments get me a little irritated because even though im a good mother and do what i need to do somehow im still getting blamed for him not being a man. Where does his accountability come in? And yes i would have liked to have been married but marraige does not guarantee happiness or that someone will be a good father ive seen it with friends. Yes i made some unwise choices but ive owned up to them and do what i need to and im happy shes here but i refuse to pay for someone elses mistakes or let peoples judgemental comments get me down because of another persons poor choices and not being responsible.

    • Idiot

      Men in general, not just black men, get frustrated that in today’s society women who have the right to chose constantly choose bad, irresponsible men.  Women who have not matured constantly chose foolish men.  You CAN’T make a man be responsible.  All you can do is choose better.  If you choose to get pregnant by an idiot, then you have no right to complain about it.  Sadly, such a poor choice has a greater impact on a woman’s life.  That’s why in the past fathers and families were so vigilant when it came to their daughters love lives.  Today this is no longer the case.  That’s the price some women have to pay for greater independence.

  • An29101

    With condoms and birth control no longer being taboo, why are we still facing these problems?? Come on guys, do better!!

    • shae

      THANK YOU. you took the words right out of my mouth.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_YUEISV7NJEXIVSBC2XSKAXIGAY Terrance Pryor

    The  ”Making excuses for the father’s behavior” really hit home for me…. I find myself using the “i already know how he is” line quite often….

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_YUEISV7NJEXIVSBC2XSKAXIGAY Terrance Pryor

      Disregard my name, I am a female….

  • Anonymous

    I’m glad I don’t have these problems. Our relationship didn’t work but we get along great. We are best friends and we talk every day. Our children see him every day. And I didn’t have to go through the courts because he helps me with bills and the children. I look at celebrity couples and normal working couples who can’t get along for the sake of the children and I thank God for someone who I’m able to work with and raise our kids separately and still get along.

  • Inessa

    “You are the mother and lawfully retain the right to do whatever you choose”  So the fathers have nothing to say! They just better be there to pay child support and spend time with the children when you  get your manicure done ..so when it suits you, it takes two to tango and when it doesn’t suit you , it’s a dictatorship open to suggestions!! when it suits you , you’re carrying HIS child and when it doesn’t suit you , It’s YOUR child!! SMH! Men should stand up more against that!

    • Beagrownup

      Truth be told, when you are not married, men are only legally obligated to pay child support.  They are not legally obligated to be involved or even legally obligated to see the child.  If they want visitation they are at the mercy of the mother and/or courts.  See, the problem with being a baby mama and baby daddy.  This can be avoided if we worked in our community to bring about more stable marriages.  But instead we want to have children without the benefit of marriage.  Then mom wants to complain when dad isnt around.  And dad wants to complaim when mom throws shade.  Who ends up hurt? the kid. 

    • Yamini

      100% AGREE!!!  I can’t stand that “it’s my child” BS.

  • Patas

    I like the section about “Holding your family accountable for things that are not their responsibility.”

    Single mothers rely to much on others but claim they are doing it on their own.  Nothing wrong with family assistance, but too many single moms treat their relatives as their personal banks, babysitters, disciplinarians etc.  Many single mothers also rely on their boyfriends to pick up the slack.  The bf is not the dad.  Nor is the next bf and the one after that.  I grew up in a single mother home and I had the deal with bf after bf.  Kids dont like when mommy’s bf is the man of the house.  And especially one who is a deadbeat th.  And the recycle of men every few years is crazy. 

    If you are a lone parent be a lone parent while accepting family assistance when needed.  Dont bare your responsibilities on others.

  • Dliva

    A Black man seeking a normal life should seek a non Black woman. Most Black women hate black men

  • Dliva

    Look at the mess in our community. Why do Black women continue to bear out of wedlock children? Other women value marriage-Sisters continue breeding-even when it’s likely to add to the problem

  • Smacks_hoes

    The answer is women just need to learn to keep their legs closed. Until a man completely commits to you why even take the risk of being caught In that kind of situation. Are at least practice safe sex.

    • shae

      Lets be more realistic shall we? How about the use of condoms and Birth Control.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=8633338 Jessica Pharm
  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=8633338 Jessica Pharm

    This is why ppl should strive to be MARRIED before they bring a child into the world. 

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