It’s been about two years since I’ve last seen my mother.
We were born twenty years and eight days apart. When people see the side by side comparisons of us, they say we look like sisters. My grandmother says I am a carbon copy of her, down to the mannerisms and inflection in our voices. Often times she calls me by my mother’s name in confusion. With all this commonality, I still don’t know who she is.
I can’t pinpoint it down to an exact moment when our relationship became strained because the reality is that it had always been. I won’t get into detail because this is not the forum to air all messiness but I will say that our home was not a happy one. We dealt with lots of dysfunction, secrets and anger. This environment fostered our inability to communicate and relate to each other. We always did the obligatory things together like graduations and birthdays and Christmas. But it was always something missing between us -warmth, connection, hugs, kisses and I love yous – that didn’t exist. Instead we fought more than anything else.
We had tried to work on our relationship several times. I remember after college my mother welcomed me back home, fresh face and renewed with a whole new outlook on life. She was no longer the angry person I remember her being as a child. She pulled me close to her and hugged me. Then she told me how proud she was of me. She wanted to talk about school and my plans now that I graduated. But I was angry and harboring lots of resentment towards her, so I just shut down. I know she could sense it; I could see it on her face. I wanted her to acknowledge the obvious tension between us but instead she shut down too. And that’s how we were for several years after that -short conversations and even short tempers. Later she would move out of state. I guess we were both hoping that the distance would heal but it seemed that our communication just got worse. Mainly because I had questions and she was still not ready to answer.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my mother dearly. And I am pretty sure that she loves me too. At the same time, we just can’t get along. I wish I could get over it and just let it go. To forgive and forget. However some stuff can’t just be pushed under the rug and shrugged away. I don’t think we’ll ever be okay until we sit down and have an honest and truthful dialogue with each other. But that can only happen if we are both willing to do so.
That’s why I have sympathy for Tracy Morgan. As many of you may already know, Morgan’s name is being dragged through the mud once again, not because of some drama on-stage but because of family drama off-screen. According to published reports, Morgan’s mother is facing foreclosure and his family has decided to take their business to the media. They claim that Morgan, who is worth around $8 million, is unwilling to cough up the $25,000 that would pay off the rears that she owes the bank. Not much more is known about the situation other than that Morgan and his mother have been estranged for years, which is said to be documented in the book I Am the New Black. And according to another family member, “Her health is failing. She has diabetes, and her legs are giving out on her. This would be a drop in the bucket for Tracy. She has a son that can do, and she’s done everything that she possibly could for her family.”