Ask A Very Smart Brotha Live: A*sholes & Disappearing Acts

February 1, 2012  |  

We did it again!b  Damon Young (aka The Champ) of Very Smart Brothas hosted his second live chat on our Facebook page.  For an hour, The Champ answered a gang of questions about love and relationships from our Facebook friends. You know it was a lively discussion. Check out some of the questions and answers below.

Iris: I have a question! I’ve been separated from my kids’ father for 6 years. He was very controlling & abusive til I finally left his a*s after 10 years. Anyway he bad mouths me to my kids & everyone else around him constantly. He still absolutely HATES me! My question is why would any man stay angry for so damn long & not just get over it & why would his new wife allow him to keep talking about me (his ex) so much???

Damon Young: He’s doing it because he’s an a**hole. And, if life has taught me anything, it’s that it is a waste of time to try and understand why a**holes are a**holes.


Shonreh: I was involved with a guy long distance ( for a year) and things were going well and then he suddenly disappears for maybe three weeks with no contact, no answering texts emails etc. Is it justifiable to move on even though he has mysteriously started texting and emailing again? ( with no response from me of course). Confused.

D.Y: Hmm. I think you should probably ask him what happened. (Was he shipwrecked? In jail? Hiding under one of Rick Ross’ breasts?) If his answer doesn’t pass the sniff test, move on. (long-distance relationships are the devil, anyway)

 

Natalie: Is close too close when it comes to friends of the opposite sex? My concern is that my significant other’s best friend (female) can ,over time, develop more emotional feelings for each him. I’m just concerned because I do not have any close male friends that I share absolutely everything with. Please advise.

D.Y. Hmm. I don’t think that him having friends of the opposite sex is a problem by itself, but he shouldn’t be sharing anything with her either. As far as the emotional attachment thing, there’s nothing you can do to prevent that from happening. Either he’s (hopefully) not going to go there, or he will go there. Anyway, while I wouldn’t give him any “me or her” ultimatums, I would bring up the fact that you’re concerned about how close they are.


Suzie: Hi Damon, I have been in an on and off relationship with a man for 5 yrs. This summer, he proposed that we get married right away( He’s been proposing lightly a couple of time before.) I said I’m up for marriage but there are things to work on to make this relationship and marriage work,we even discussed having kids in 3 to 5 yrs and I already have a child from a previous relationship. 1 month later, I find out I was pregnant and his first reaction was great and a few hours later he was scared. Now I’m 6 months pregnant and he only shows up for appointments and for baby expenses. He will be there for the child but not for me anymore and he doesn’t know if he will ever come back to the way we were. At this point, I’m hurt and want to cut him off. I don’t think it would be appropriate seeing me in labor,giving my child his last name if he’s not there now to support me morally or physically, texting me every day to wish me good day and for material things. Am I wrong for wanting to cast him out?

D.Y.: Yikes. It’s possible that he may come around and is just having a really bad case of cold feet. But, if I were you, I’d proceed on without him. Sorry to hear all of that


Cheryl: Damon..Why would a man who is your lover, but not interested in a serious relationship be interested in how you view him as a sex toy or not? Isn’t that what he wants?

D.Y. Sounds like he’s been listening to too much Drake.

Shari: Why is it when you tell a guy that you can’t deal with him because he’s in a relationship, he seems to continue to pursue you?

D.Y.: I guess a guy who does that figures he has nothing to lose. From his mindset, he has a 50/50 chance of getting some. (You’re either going to continue to say no, or say yes)


Rhonda: Hi Damon! My question is more of a concern than a question. At 25 (& fabulous) I’m looking for someone to settle down with…or at least be monogamous with for more than 3 months. Lately, I’ve been getting so much attention from men 39+up & I’m so confused! Why don’t guys my age approach me? Why are these grandaddies (I mean my Mom is 40ish, so that’s weird) preying on me? How do I attract younger men? And should I just give one of these older guys a chance?

D.Y. Perhaps you bathe in epsom salt, and the older guys are attracted to your scent? I really have no idea why men twice your age continue to approach you. Do you frequent places/events that usually skew older? Maybe that’s why.

Rhonda: I’d say it’s about 50/50 between hangout spots (bars, lounges, clubs) & sports bars. I noticed this during football season, so maybe that’s the type of audience surrounding me? Glad you put this in my mind, otherwise I would’ve feared that I do indeed smell like epsom salt LMAO! Also I heard that I ‘look’ like a business-woman even when I go out. Working on this asap….Thanx for the tips.

D.Y.: Yea. Some women do give off an “older, more conservative” vibe. You might be one of them. There’s nothing wrong with that, but the vibe you give off does have an effect on the types of guys who will approach.

 

Pittsburgh native Damon Young (aka “The Champ”) is the co-founder of the ridiculously popular VerySmartBrothas.com. Their first book “Your Degrees Won’t Keep You Warm At Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide To Dating, Mating and Fighting Crime” is available at Amazon.com

Do you want to speak to Damon in real time? Join us on our Facebook page, next Wednesday from 1 p.m. to 2 p.m.

 

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  • The Rain

    Those older guys appreciate a woman that takes care of herself.If you want to get in a serious relationship you want to stay out of bars and clubs and get yourself a hobby and do some volunteer work.Those old cats are not preying on you,they just dig you.I am 51 and I like grown women from 21 to 73 if they carry themselves like ladies and take care of their bodies.

  • Stopit

    Women: Stop getting pregnant by men you are not married to
    Men:      Stop getting women pregnant that you are not married to
    People:  Stop having relations without 2 forms of protection both a barrier and a chemical protection

  • Pivyque

    SUZIE.. that is his child too. If he is there for the child, why can’t it have his last name? Just because he is not doing anything for you doesn’t have anything to do with the child. You should separate your relationship with him from the baby’s relationship. If my husband and I had a kid before we were married, I would have given it his last name because he loves his child to pieces.

    • You all lying to yourself

      exactly. Separate your relationship with him from the baby’s relationship. And give the baby YOUR name, not his. Because, after all, as some of you so acutely stated, it doesn’t really matter. So why should he bother?

  • tastythoughts

    Cheryl: Damon..Why would a man who is your lover, but not interested in a serious relationship be interested in how you view him as a sex toy or not? Isn’t that what he wants?
    D.Y. Sounds like he’s been listening to too much Drake.

    AND I DIE NOW

  • tastythoughts

    Cheryl: Damon..Why would a man who is your lover, but not interested in a serious relationship be interested in how you view him as a sex toy or not? Isn’t that what he wants?
    D.Y. Sounds like he’s been listening to too much Drake.

    AND I DIE NOW

  • Crazyeddie

    I think D.Y. was telling her to move on without him.  Not to keep the baby from him.  And why give the child the father’s last name?  So the child can have a different name than mommy?  So mom and sibling will be in house with a different nams than this chil?  Not cool.  If he wants the child to have his last name then they should marry.  Women stop selling yourself short.  And if he is having cold feet making a committment now, why assume he will be a shining star in the future.  Have we not learned from the other unfortunate baby mamas scattered around our community?

    • Crazyeddie

      @ Dee  ^^^^

    • Crazyeddie

      @ Dee  ^^^^

    • Tee

      What’s wrong with having different last names?? My name is different than my mothers and I grew up that way and no it was not because she had me out if wedlock, she married, divorced and re married so her last name was different. That had no bearing on anything. I also know plenty of married women whose names don’t match their kids because they kept their names and gave the kids their husband’s. It doesn’t mean anything if the names are different. Its also the reason why we have ex wives running around with their ex husbands last name out of fear of being judged because the names don’t match. Who gives a damn……..

      • Crazyeddie

        Why are women so willing to give your child your boyfriend’s or ex boyfriend’s last name?  He cant even honor you enough to give you his last name, but you’re so quick to give his last name to your child. 

  • Crazyeddie

    I think D.Y. was telling her to move on without him.  Not to keep the baby from him.  And why give the child the father’s last name?  So the child can have a different name than mommy?  So mom and sibling will be in house with a different nams than this chil?  Not cool.  If he wants the child to have his last name then they should marry.  Women stop selling yourself short.  And if he is having cold feet making a committment now, why assume he will be a shining star in the future.  Have we not learned from the other unfortunate baby mamas scattered around our community?

  • Dee

    I completely disagree with your advice to Suzie ; if he is willing to take responsibility for the child and is there financially , physically and emotionally for the child then why should she cut him out the child’s life and why shouldn’t the child bear his last name ?? That’s some bs advice you gave her … His relationship with his child and his relationship with her are two completely different relationships two different kind of love…

  • Dee

    I completely disagree with your advice to Suzie ; if he is willing to take responsibility for the child and is there financially , physically and emotionally for the child then why should she cut him out the child’s life and why shouldn’t the child bear his last name ?? That’s some bs advice you gave her … His relationship with his child and his relationship with her are two completely different relationships two different kind of love…

    • Pivyque

      Thank you!

    • Tee

      Indeed it also helps to establish paternity so not a wise choice in the event he doesn’t do what he is supposed to and need yo go after support. First thing judge is going to ask why does his child have ur last name. I didn’t give my child her father last name but its because my last name ends with me. My dad has no boys and no other children and it was more important to keep my dads legacy than to keep her fathers going.

  • payback

    I’m going to take a Time-Out from the A**hole lover that I have in my life.  He is: Aspergers, Narcissist, Sadist, Sex-Addict.  I actually had the PLEASURE of making him so angry yesterday, that as he talked to me about it on the phone he was SPITTING his words!  Hilarious and I’m still laughing.  I am tickled pink to have caused him hours of discomfort and anger.  I’m going out tonight, and honestly, I really might drop my A-guy completely…this time.

    • Idiot

      No you won’t.  The fact that you haven’t dropped such a complete loser a long long time ago means that you’re likely to stay.  I have plenty of friends who talk big and then get lonely and go running back.

  • Sugar_Spice

    I’ve experienced the same thing as Natalie (my husband has a close friend that I know)  & at times I’ve worried if they can develop emotional feelings for each other. I’ve always had people around me, especially men, tell me that my husband shouldn’t have female friends & blah blah blah.  I agree with the champ, all you can do is express your concerns & be honest.

  • ToniR

    Shonreh…wrong answer. If the cat went Ghost for 3 weeks. Leave him alone. Dont worry about why he is not returning your calls.

    Suzie…never give a child the father’s name unless it’s your last name.  In other words, if you are not married to him, it shouldnt even be considered.
     
     

    • sweetie

      @Shonreh exactly…forget about him, a man that really wants to be with you won’t just go MIA and pull that kind of sh#t , oh and LMAO at hiding under one of Rick Ross’s breast

    • YeahIWentThereCuzICan

      Tonir…..wrong answer. I was not married at the time I gave birth to my children, but you can bet your Sweet Brown Dandies that they were issued their father’s last name. They need to know who placed them in my womb. It will make easier the day when they are grown up…..to either Thank him or Cuss him out—depending on how they Represent. It’s Plantation Mentality to not legally, financially, and morally insist on accountability from a man who impregnates a woman—-whether or not he and that woman will be in a committed, romantic relationship. SUZIE: DON’T PAY TONIR NO NEVERMIND NOW!

    • FromUR2UB

      Please explain for me what giving the child its father’s last name, has to do with the mother’s relationship with the man?  He was good enough for a knockup outside of marriage, so why start worrying about proper etiquette now?

      For Rhonda: because some old guys run after young women.  It makes them feel like they’ve still got it or something.  I seriously doubt that they’re thinking, “There’s a very professional looking young woman…” because if you look your age, they know you’re a young thang.