The Ex-Factor: Is It Ever Okay To Date Your Friend’s Ex?

January 31st, 2012 - By Erica Renee

We’ve all heard the statistics involving black women and marriage, the shortage of black men, etc. And yeah, yeah, we get it: there is a major gap in the ratio of eligible black men to eligible black women, making it much more difficult to find a compatible mate. Furthermore, to add to this shortage, we would have to subtract the black men who are in a relationship, incarcerated, or don’t like black women, or women at all. Then there’s the unspoken rule that most of us have included in our subtraction list: men who have dated any of our friends in the past.

While this rule is one of those ‘girlfriend codes’ shared amongst most women, some are beginning to ask the question that can immediately break up a friendship: “Do you care if I date your ex?” Does this question automatically make a woman a bad friend who can’t be trusted as far as she can be seen?

If you would have asked me this question a few years ago, I would have immediately responded with harsh words and a serious side-eye to any woman who would consider dating their close friend’s former flame; but as I’ve grown older, my words have changed from harsh to inquisitive as I question a woman’s reasoning for breaking this unspoken girlfriend code. While certain situations should be self-explanatory in why you shouldn’t even think about dating a friend’s ex, others are filled with blurry lines and gray areas, leaving room to wonder–is it REALLY ever okay?

In the February issue of Essence, a panel of relationship writers and editors discussed various topics regarding relationships. When asked if a friend’s ex was off limits, all panel members unanimously agreed that after a certain period of time, said ex was fair game, meaning that once she’s done, you can get you some. Well, maybe not exactly that way, but the panelists admitted that after a few years (they agreed on three) a friend’s ex shouldn’t be off limits and should subsequently be thrown back into the dating pool for everyone to date–even her friends.

There is a small part of me that says go ahead and date a friend’s ex, including mine, but do so after discussing the situation with your friend. But on the other hand, there is the other more dominating part of me that says while there might be a shortage of black men, there is an even larger shortage of genuine friends and jeopardizing the latter in any way for a man is totally unacceptable.

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  • http://www.mynewhitmanwrites.com/ Myne Whitman

    I think this is OK

  • FromUR2UB

    IIIII don’t think so.  Not if you want to maintain the friendship.  I don’t care if the friend says she wouldn’t mind…not cool.  If there’s any exception to this, it would only be if the friend told the guy, “I don’t think you and I are working out, but I have a friend I want you to meet”.  Otherwise, too messy.  Ex-husbands and fiances, NEVER during life, and not until two years after death!  That’s what the panel of me and I say.

  • Pivyque

    I think it depends on how involved your friend was in the relationship. If one of my friends wanted to date a guy that I was with a long time ago and we broke up because we only had friend feelings for each other, i’d say go for it. 

  • Mrsadkiah

    Obviously it depends. People want to comment on how women will lie and say their over a man and really not be but that’s not everyone else’s problem. I’m in a happy relationship, have been for 3 yrs. Why would I care if my friend dated an ex? I don’t have feelings for any of them anymore so it’s not like it would effect me. There’s always those people who don’t really have feelings for the ex anymore but they just don’t want him dating their friend…usually for no good reason. Grow up, and get over yourself. I believe that their is one person for everyone, it would be completely stupid for someone to possibly pass up the one simply because their friend used to date them. These “unspoken” girl code rules typically need to be dropped after high school because they’re childish. 

  • Tee

    My friend is married to my ex and I am completely cool with it. I was the matron of honor at their wedding. If we are no longer together why should I care. I loved them both enough to want them to be happy. Life goes on and mine went on with another man who I married. Life is good for all.

  • Maya

    One of my best friends dates an ex of mine, a guy that I went out with for three years. I’m completely cool with it. Why? He treated me like crap, I had no interest in getting him back, I have a much better man now, and my ex is one of my best male friends, and has been since we made the subtle transition from dating to just friends. It just took a year and a half for us to realize we weren’t really good together anymore.

  • Tamara’sTruth

    It depends on how long the two of them were together, how serious their relationship was, and how close the two of you are.  If it’s a best friend you’ve had since childhood, then heck no, irrespective of how their relationship was.  But if it’s a work colleague, a casual school friend or a neighbor whom you’ve gone out with several times within the past year, then look into other factors of their relationship.  There’s a reason they didn’t work out, but there’s no reason for you to shut off a potential suitor because you’re cool with his ex.

  • F3ral Anarchy

    nopeeeee

  • http://profile.yahoo.com/Y6ORIBVZSOJ5NKJAW3PC2C5QFU John

    mý ñêighbör’s möthêr-iñ-láw mákês $76/hr öñ thê láptöp. Shê hás bêêñ withöüt á jöb för 10 möñths büt lást möñth hêr iñcömê wás $7463 jüst wörkiñg öñ thê láptöp för á fêw höürs. Hêrê’s thê sitê tö rêád mörê, if Yöu mánágê tö öpên it, Yöu’rê hálf wáy dönê… lázycásh10.cöm

  • Love_Sexy

    Two words…….Absolutely not!

  • Abjnaomi

    I had this happen to me about a year ago.  The person who I thought was my friend even had to nerve to call me and ask me if it was ok.  I told her yeah go ahead you’re going to do it anyway no matter what I say.  Needless to say I stop calling her hanging with her and just dropped her as my friend.  I would never I don’t care how long ago it was date my friends ex.  I knew her since childhood but after that I just looked at her differently and didn’t want to be her friend anymore.  I didn’t feel like I could trust her anymore.

    • barista

      But your friend could be genuine in thinking it may not be hurtful.  2 stories:

      1 – I dated a guy for several years, waited for him to return from the war in Afghanistan, considered marriage with him, and was utterly heartbroken and took forever to get over him. We broke up while we lived together, which means there was a little bit of going back and forth for a LONG time and seriously messed up feelings through our long dragged out breakup.  My best friend  who I had known for years and years, went through high school together, went through a bunch of sh*t together, also my roommate at the time, started seeing my ex behind my back….under the same f***ing roof. Needless to say that b*tch has been kicked to the curb.  Not sad she missed my wedding  (to a much better man years later), not sad she will never meet my baby (due this Aug). 

      2 – While trying to get over that same ex, I met another really really wonderful guy.  We dated for 5 or 6 months.  It wasn’t super casual, but I knew I was still in love with the ex.  He was so nice, and I grew to be great friends with him, not just his girl. But then we stopped seeing eachother.   A good friend of mine asked me a year later, did I mind if she dated him.  In this case, the whole situation was different.  She had respect for me and I was really not that heartbroken from the whole thing anyway.  We don’t see each other as much anymore, but we’re still friends, and I would always be happy to be close to her again one day.

  • sweettea

    It depends on how i felt about the guy. If i was in love with him and then he dumped me or if there was really strong feelings but i didnt want to put up with something about him then no absolutely not. On the other hand if it was casual dating or he liked me a whole lot more then i liked him I’ve been known in the past to pass a guy like that on to one of my friends with no hard feelings

  • Gmarie

    no. no matter what she says, or how she fronts like she’s okay with it. even if she genuinely were okay with it why would you want to be with someone your friends already knows everything there is to know about? If you get my drift…

  • LaTasha

    No it is never ok to date your friend’s ex, I mean why would you want too…when you have a whole lot of other guys out there that you can have.

  • Babeegurl

    Short answer: NO!

    Long answer: Why in the world would you ever consider even entertaining the idea? Fortunately for me, my friends and I have very different tastes in men, although there is some overlap (we ALL love us some Lance Gross and Channing Tatum! Gorgeous!). Knowing how women love to chat about sex, dating and relationships you already know more about him (the good, the bad and the ugly) than he realizes. This can be a double-edged sword as you may likely have counseled and comforted your friend through some very difficult times with him. Any convo you have about him will be nothing but awkward.

    Plus, I couldn’t ever date a man that my friend has been with because I would be wondering if she ever really got over him. I think for most people, once you are in a serious relationship with someone, there is always going to be some level of attachment. Dating on of your friends’ exes could really hurt someone that has really been a great companion and confidant. You don’t get many of those. Is some d*ck really worth jeopardizing that? 

    And how would ever be able to hang out with your friend and your man at the same time?! It’s like flaunting your new relationship in front of someone that could still really care about that man. 

    Not to mention the issue of intimacy. You probably know what’s been going on in his bed, and personally all I really want to know heading into a intimate relationship is that he’s STD-free. All the other stuff (such as what he likes and what he’s good at), I’d rather find out myself.

    It’s too many great, cute, dedicated dudes out here to be fishing in your homegirl’s dating pool. I’ve seen women give up amazing friends behind some dude that wound up not being worth it, leaving them with no man and no friends.

  • IllyPhilly

    Of all the recycled men around why, your friend’s ex?

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100003085266535 Courtney Small

    why would any woman want to date her friends ex…. if she was there for when she was crying to you complaining about how bad he is, how he’s XYZ, now you want to turn around and date him. And even if the split wasn’t bad. how can you deal sexin and kissin all up on someone your friend did?

    • IllyPhilly

      Some women get that Soul Food mentality. Maybe it wasn’t right for her, but he’ll be good to me.

    • ManOrWoman

      It’s possible that she screwed up, got dumped and talked endlessly about how great of a guy he was and upon hearing that, the friend became very interested herself.  For good or bad ladies, don’t tell all of your business to anyone to include your friends.  Leave the relationship between you and yours.