Ask a Very Smart Brotha: Trying Not to Hate Him & Saving It

January 11, 2012  |  

Hi Brotha,

I’m a female in my mid-twenties and  I was in a long distance relationship for about two  and a half years with a guy I met in college. He actually worked there. It so happened that it did not last. Coming down to the end he told me he was sleeping with his 50- something year old therapist before me,during the relationship and after I ended it, because “he needed sex” and I wasn’t giving it to him. In addition he has had a “friend” who was pretty much “the straw that broke the camels back” in his last 5 year relationship with his then girlfriend. He still keeps this “friend” around because it’s “his friend” and she was “there for him” when that relationship broke down.
Needless to say, I was very inexperienced in this relationship and  it was very hard to walk away from.

I really want to hate this guy-but I’ve never hated an ex. as I think it only damages me in the end.I simply remove contact. I need some assistance in finding closure with this one as the amount of anxiety  caused should at least make it easy right?

The issues here are:

The issue with this “friend of his”–lets just call her X, still bothers me to today.

Why after all this drama, is it still bothering me to let this  go?–He still emails from time to time, but my responses have dwindled. While I’m not here to play the victim, I’m finding it hard to understand how, why , HOW could all this have happened. Are people really so heartless? I find all this extremely hard to digest given that the older woman and his “friend” at one point were both emailing me in attempts to “defend” and inform me of their going on’s etc.

I also think the entire ordeal left a severe mark on my self-confidence and I need some advice as to how I can be assisted.

Sincerely,

Prairie Dawn

Dear Prairie Dawn,

 

Wow. This guy truly did a number on you, and I’m sorry you had to go through all of that. With that being said, there are four lessons you can take from this — and these lessons are actually addressed to all women in similar situations, not just you.

  1. Don’t waste time trying to “figure out” why an a*shole is an as$hole. Sure, we might be able to pick his brain and give you a possible reason or two why he did you dirty, but that would be a waste of time and energy. Don’t concern yourself with understanding why someone does some foul Shyte. Just move on when you recognize the foulness, and don’t look back.
  2. Closure is an overrated process. You don’t need it, it’s not going to make you feel any better, and, to be perfectly honest, you’re never going to completely get it anyway, so just forget about it.
  3. Long-distance relationships are the devil.
  4. You don’t want to “hate” him. It takes energy and effort to hate, and you don’t want to spend any more time than you already have on this guy.

 

The last “lesson” is the most important one. Even though it’s easier said than done, don’t allow this situation to hurt your self-esteem and make you jaded. Yes, sometimes good people get caught up in bad situations, but instead of allowing that to permanently scare you, chalk it up to “Shyte happens” and move on. You’re still very young and (presumably) healthy with an entire dating life in front of you. Store some of these lessons in your memory bank, remember that people are like episodes of “The Game” (some are good, some are bad, and most really aren’t worth remembering), keep your head up, and stay the hell away from the devil.

 

Sincerely,

Damon Young (The Champ)

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