6 Things Not To Tell A Man Til It’s Serious

January 11, 2012  |  

"First date"

I am all for being yourself and allowing your date to get an accurate impression of who you are. But, we often confuse what actually does give an accurate impression. We all have skeletons in our closets, a couple of issues and insecurities, and some stories that we wish would just go away. That’s fine. But it’s how you treat those matters that says more about you than the fact that they exist.

"Black family arguing"

Your family is nuts

Your father is an alcoholic. Your sister can’t hold a job and acts like a perpetual teenager. Your mom had an affair. Even if it’s not that drastic, you really shouldn’t dish on your family too early on because it makes it seem like you are mad at them. And of course, we all have a point of tension here or there with a family member(s), but, whatever you bring up on the first few dates is something that your date will interpret as part of who you are, versus just a dynamic in your life. You don’t want to make it seem like who you are is someone who is perpetually pissed at their family.

"Man caught cheating"

Your last relationship ended tragically

This can be as tragic as suicide (I do hope no one has had to suffer through this), as frightening as a restraining order or as heartbreaking as infidelity. These things may have happened to you, but again they are not who you are. If you tell a man of something tragic in your life before he gets the chance to see that you are now a well-adjusted, happy and healthy person, he may become incapable of seeing that, and just blinded by the tragic story you tell him.

"Woman saying 'sshhh'"

Your number of sexual partners

Having a small number doesn’t mean you don’t know your way around the bedroom. Having a high number doesn’t mean you’re incapable of monogamy and a committed relationship. However, if a man is just getting to know you, and hasn’t yet had a chance to see that you are capable of commitment or that you are great in bed, knowing your “number” might give him pre-conceived notions that are tough to shake.

"Women partying"

Details of your single life

This is an extension of the previous point. Are you in a “Girls Gone Wild” video? Not his business (pray he never finds it). Did you used to ride the mechanical bull weekly at your local Western bar in teeny, tiny jean shorts? He doesn’t need to know that. Did you host multiple “SEO’s and Office Ho” parties in your day? Let that be in the past. As stated before, a man needs to know that you are capable of not being totally wild, before he can hear about your wild days with a more objective ear.

"Boy crying"

Your childhood traumas

It is tragic, but a lot of grownups had traumatic experiences as children. Abusive parents. Jumping from foster home to foster home. Just an overall turbulent childhood. But, these are things that can be recovered from, and often are. Let a guy see that you’re a stable and emotionally sound individual before you let him know the details of a childhood that seems it would have turned out a not so emotionally sound adult.

"Depressed woman"

Current traumas

You’re struggling with depression or anxiety. You’re having an identity crisis over your job. Whatever it may be. When you and a man are close, you should definitely be able to share these things with him and find support in him. But, if you bring these issues up within the first couple of dates, you may just seem like too much drama for him. You know you’re not too much drama and that you’ll get a handle on things, but the fact that you’re bringing it up very soon makes it seem like a very prominent thing in your life.

"Couple in love"

That you loved him at first site

Or that you knew you’d end up together. Once you and a guy are madly in love, it is great to say these things. There is nothing freaky about it when it turned out that you were correct! But, no matter how strongly you feel that something serious will happen with a guy upon first getting to know him, saying that to most men just scares them away.

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  • Alexis

    I have a few I ‘d like to name…just a sample. One, “I’m pregnant.” Two, “ouch it hurts” can be another. “I’ll put myself on the back burner so u can do u ” and lastly “meet my kid(s)”

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  • Twistjuice

    “site”?????

  • Lacey

    Sight**, and by the way, a lot of this is bull. Just sayin’. 

  • Randomreader

    How about checking your grammar….”That you loved him at first site”….having technology overload? The correct usage would be “sight’.

  • DeepThinker

    I thought the same thing too…
     
    Yes, you should inform him/her about things that may directly impact your relationship, but it is once you start to establish the actual relationship. First few dates are usually screening processes. If people would just look at dating as steps to building friendships that can lead to relationship, instead of hopping in the bed so quick, ALL those things would be revealed before emotions get in the way of clouding our thoughts, decisions and actions.

  • Mikela123

    People,

    The article is about TMI on the first date…

    Some women just have a habit of telling every single piece of the life in the first 2 or 3 dates.  I had a friend who couldn’t understand why dude didn’t ask her out again because she told him about being sexually abused and broke down crying over it – ON THE FIRST DATE!!

    And it may not that be he held her sexual abuse against her.  It’s just there is a time and place for such discussions.  Some things are just too much too soon.  It interferes with getting to know the true individual for who he/she really is.  Just use discretion and allow a person to get to know you first (and you get to know him as well), before you put all issues on the table.

  • Evilempire718

    Other than #7 this post is nonsense. Holding these thing back from then is only going to hurt both of y’all in the future.

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  • Hmmmmm

    Im calling B.S. on most of these as I have heard women swear these are things they need to know from a man, especially childhood trauma. 

    So you do not want to know if your man grew up in a household where dad beat mom until you are in a relationship with him, especially since we know most abusive men come from such households? 

    An if your man had sexual relationships with men – and that is not your thing – you do not want to know until “it is serious?” Come one now….

    If I am with a woman I want to know what trauma she faced as a child because it will indeed effect the relationship and I need to know if I am up to the challenge. And if you were an office ho or whatever and you claim to not feel shame in regards to your past (I mean it shapes who we are right?) then why are you keeping it from him and not allowing him to make an informed choice about who he with (the whole dont tell him stuff is childish).?When I date a woman if she has the balls to ask me about my past (relationship with father; sexual history, episodes of cheating) I am putting it on the table because although I might feel bad about or regret some of my choices I am not ashamed. And is she cant handle it I’d prefer that she kick rocks.

  • SageQ

    I’m torn on this post; however, I’m a firm believer that if you have a past or baggage: if s/he is interested in a second date, then you need to let that all out beforehand.  Let him know what he’s getting himself (or herself) into before you both waste your time.  If s/he is willing to look past your baggage/past and see that you are over it, then I think that may help form this new relationship….Not not everything on the first date, but some things are a must, IMO.

  • applejuice

    umm is this post forreal??  I dissagree with most of it, i say test the waters, mention something which may lead to a more serious discussion.  if dude cant hang with the fact that your fam is nuts or you dont talk to your brother then he’s probably not the one for you, no woman nor man is perfect and i dont think we should act like it.  when a person shows me that they are real, that makes them more attractive to me.

    • ya hit it on the head, I will always respect the truth.

      • Mike

        For the universal truth of life in 3 pages, Google “TruthContest” and Click on “The Present”..

    • KourageousTigerII’s

      I so agree with everything you said! You have to show them that you aren’t made of plastic! That you have a REAL heart, and that allows them to do the same with you! This post is bs at it’s finest! Half of the things mentioned, I said to my man upon request during our first couple of dates, and we are still together 2 years later, and HAPPILY engaged!