Do You Confuse Basic Male Traits as Bonuses?

January 4th, 2012 - By Brande Victorian

“But he’s really respectful and he has good manners, and he’s a people person…” and yada, yada, yada, yada. This was where I had to stop my friend as she explained all the redeeming qualities the man she had recently taken back possessed. On the other side of that but was a laundry list of things that were disrespectful, like lying about not having a girlfriend when they first met, not being willing to help her out when she needed something, or saying he was going to do one thing and doing the exact opposite. There weren’t enough positive characteristics on the other side of that sentence to justify sticking around for someone just because he says please and thank you and I had to break the real issue down to my friend.

I told her that she was looking at baseline characteristics as bonuses. Being respectful, having good manners, knowing how to talk to people, having a job (maybe not in this economy, but still)—those are like wheels on a car—basic necessities. At a minimum, any man you deal with should have those qualities and those characteristics aren’t enough to sustain a relationship when everything else is downhill.

I wasn’t being judgmental when I gave my friend my honest opinion. I told her off top that I was coming from a place of understanding. I had, have, probably will have again in the future, a tendency to accept basic decent human being qualities as some type of plus when it comes to dating. I explained to her the problem is when you’ve had a few mishaps, okay make that losers, in your life, and you meet someone that’s any ounce of an improvement—a little more sociable, a little more apt to take you out, calls you just to say hey—you can get wrapped up in making him a “good guy” when that behavior doesn’t have a whole lot to do with his character. Anybody can take you out, but when a man tells you you’re exclusive and he takes you out one night and then takes out another woman the next, that quality doesn’t mean so much anymore. What I realized from my own experience was that I allowed myself to get caught up in the person I was dealing with being better than previous men in some regards without realizing that it still wasn’t the best I could do at the time. What we both needed to do was set standards for what we would expect as absolute minimums for a man and then work our way up from there before we got too caught up in a guy being so this and so that and so hard to let go of just because he holds the car door for you.

It can be easy to let sweet words and kind gestures blind your judgment but in the end you have to recognize those things are just that—words and gestures. What does the man’s true character and day-to-day behavior say about him and how he values you? Those are the places where bonuses can show up.

Have you ever had a problem overlooking serious problems in a relationship because the guy you were with was better than the last or seemingly “a good guy” in all other aspects except for some of the ways he treated you?

Brande Victorian is a blogger and culture writer in New York City. Follower her on Twitter at @be_vic.

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  • Rastaman

    Black men are not immune to appreciation!
    Let me say that again, Black men are not immune to appreciation!
    Appreciating a person for being positive in certain areas does not lessen one’s expectations; very often it encourages them to be even better in other areas because they want to be complimented.  This comes from a person who has had to train himself to accept compliments and be more complimentary
     
    I understand the author may be attempting to have her friend expect more from the man in her life but one key point she seemed to have overlooked is that in life it is not so much about where you are but how far you have come.   So her friend may very much find greater value in man’s people skill, good manner and respectful nature than she sees the cons of his failings.   They may not rise to the level of the author’s idea of exceptional but it is not her sense of well being that matters. 
     
    I have learned over the years in counseling friends and associates that it is important that I not look at their situation as what is best for me but truly what is best for them.  It is hard sometimes to make that distinction but every person has to travel their own road in life.   You can tell them what to look out for but you cannot make their journey for them.  

  • IllyPhilly

    Damn how abused are women if they think these things are bonuses? The same goes for men too because some of them think its a plus that their female friends don’t cuss in public. Respect and manners are just a minimum.

    • Diana

      I think there are some women including myself who perhaps didn’t have a good reference from early on as far as what a normal, stable, healthy relationship was. If you keep meeting and entertaining men that give you a lot of nonsense, sometimes you start to think maybe this is the way things are supposed to be in a relationship, maybe I’m asking too much?  Fortunately,  I found some strong female friends who were in healthy, loving relationships.  Their men adored them and their relationships became my reference points. I realized I wasn’t asking too much.  I know people say don’t compare your relationship to others, but in cases where a woman believes she is being totally disrespected and the relationship is not healthy, I think the comparing is necessary.

  • Diana

    What the author wrote is real.  I’ve been in this situation unfortunately.  After being involved in a few bad relationships, I made the mistake of getting involved with a man who seemed at first so much better than the men I dated before.  I’ve dated a lot of men with children and these men did not have the time  to develop a relationship with anyone. They had full custody of their children so that was their priority as it should be.  After meeting a 32 year old childless man who was intelligent, attractive, and had attention to give, I became excited.  He saw me three or four days a week as opposed to once a week as with the single fathers. I could make spontaneous plans with him, and he would be available.  I didn’t have to give a month’s notice in advance as I did with the other men.  The new guy made dates and kept them.  There was no cancelling at the last minute because the other guy’s baby mama was creating drama. It was refreshing to date this childless man.  However, this new found excitement blinded me to the fact that this new man was selfish, egotistical, and at times disrespectful to me and others.  I excused some bad behavior by this guy because his availability was a new experience for me.  But after realizing this man definitely was not the best I could do, I ended the relationship. 

    • IllyPhilly

      It’s hard to date a man if you don’t have kids yourself.

  • Pivyque

    The other comments are true to an extent. However, I am a black woman and I always show my husband appreciation when he does things. He is the one telling me to stop saying thank you because he is doing what he is supposed to do…but I thank him because I know that he doesn’t HAVE to.

  • In All Honesty

    Most Black American women (especially online) do NOT have this problem when it comes to Black men these days. Black men get no credit whatsoever from them.

    “Oh, he’s the President? Am I supposed to be impressed? Hello! He’s SUPPOSED to do that!” “Happy Father’s Day? For what? He’s SUPPOSED to take care of his kids! Does he want a ‘Scooby-snack’ for that?” 

    A sincere Black man would go to his grave before he hears a compliment because EVERYTHING he does is apparently perceived to be basic and as something he was “supposed to do anyway”. It’s funny because when Black men do the same for most non-Black women, they’re usually showered with affection. I think a big part of this is the lack of fathers in so many Black women’s lives. It’s also a big reason why I encourage the promising Black boys and men my age to explore their options beyond that, especially in this day and age.

    • JusSayin

       I can honestly say, “I agree!” There are women in this world that often are so used to expecting the worse that when they do see something positive it is taken with a spoonful of salt. They think… well that’s his job and he still does, “this, this and this.” Women and Men need to be motivators of each other. I know I’m getting a little off topic but essentially that is what a lot of these issues boilings down to. Yes; there are basic tendencies that are often taken for “marriage traits” and or “ooo, that can be my baby daddy” but that is often because the woman is so used to feeling negativity that the slight ounce of respect has her thinking he is the one. Essentially the basic tendencies should be hints.. or better yet like a ladder. Okay; he has manners? Great. He listens to me about my day? Lovely. He motivates me? He Intrigues Me? He and I are growing to trust each other beyond facebook statuses and twitter posts? <—– Can they answer that.

    • Pivyque

      Well, I don’t think race has much to do with it. I am a black woman and I was raised to be gracious because no one is obligated to do anything for you. Therefore, I thank my husband for the little things he does. It can be as simple as taking out the trash when he gets home from work. 

    • STRAIGHANDNARROW04

      I must agree that you Black men do have it bad all the way around!!!…this is coming from a Black Woman who’s raising four young black men….lol…but seriously, I do see from early on that most black women have no respect for black men, I find this very disturbing considering my sons will one day be in the dating fields…I, too encourage them to find a woman that has love and respect for first God, herself, and others and then maybe she will have the same for them…but Im not gonna lie, there are a lot of trifling people out here male and female…I just call it how i see it!!

      • IllyPhilly

        But as you said, you’re showing them by example of the kind of woman to look for. I know women who call their sons n*ggaz from birth to adult hood and tell ‘em they ain’t sh*t so that’s the kinda loud broad they come to know and love. You show them the way.

    • IllyPhilly

      Wow, that’s sad you’ve had that issue. I love giving any good decent man compliments that are well deserved. I do hate people like that, but I’m not gonna say all Black women don’t do that just like I’m not gonna say every Black man deserves a compliment for the little things because I agree with Chris Rock on that tip, What you wanna cookie, You suppose to take care of ya kids!