Ask a Very Smart Brotha: Freshmen Woes & Possessive Types

January 4, 2012  |  

Dear Champ,

I’m a freshman in college and I’m finding I’m having some trouble in the love department. I’ve been single for almost a year now and my last relationship was quite well…horrible, to say the least. All the issues my ex and I had have been left in the past and we are on good terms (which was a big step for us). I want to start getting back out there and dating but I feel like guys only want one thing from me…the goods. I’m still a virgin and will be until I feel its the right time but that seems to be all the guys that talk I’ve talked to or approach me about. They say they just want to have fun right now but we can still do the do. NO Sir! I want something special and real but it seems unrealistic at this moment because college boys (or any other boys for that matter) are not trying to commit if you are not at least not putting out and I know I can’t be one of those girls. I know I’m pretty and that I have a lot to offer in a relationship and to a guy but I’m not the best looking girl around. I have realistic but high standards when it comes to guys, physically and personality/characteristic wise which makes me kind of picky so I turn a lot of guys down (or just because I don’t want another let down). Since I’ve been in college I’ve also had quite an attraction for white males but don’t know how to show them I’m a black girl that is interested in their race. I hate approaching males out of fear of rejection and because I want to be chased but I have before. I need some advise on how to find the “good guys” and maybe even branch out into new areas for love because my method doesn’t seem to be working. I recently meet a guy and he was almost everything I could have ask for but like all the guys I almost there is one little detail that sends me running. he had just got out of a relationship and was still in love with an ex who wanted nothign to do with him. I really liked this guy but for the sake of protecting myself from hurt, I stopped talking to him. I refuse to be in a relationship where I am not happy but at the same time I just want something real and to be in love. I guess I’m just looking for some advise from the male perspective.


Single and Looking

Dear Single and Looking,

You’re a freshman in college, so I’m assuming you’re 18 or 19 years old. Allow me to give you some insight on what’s going on in a typical 18 to 19 year old college male’s head.

7:25: Wake up for 8:00 class.

7:30: Shower

7:32: in shower

7:50: Head to class

7:54: See friends on the way to class. Continue debate that began last night over who would make a better stripper between Ciara, Beyonce, and a young Oprah

7:59: Make it to class (English 101)

8:00-8:40: Occasionally allow whatever the hell the professor is talking about (Gerund phrases or some Shyte?) to interrupt the on-going fantasy you’re having about Tameka Johnson, the super cute freshman who usually sits two rows in front of you

8:50: Class ends. Pretend to be fumbling around and looking for your pen so that you can time it just right so that you and Tameka will leave class at the exact same time. Hopefully, this’ll help you finally talk to her, hopefully you’ll ask her to a movie, hopefully she accepts, and hopefully she’ll be so happy that you asked that she’ll give you head in the movie theater.

8:52: The rouse doesn’t work. Tameka sees one of her (equally cute) girlfriends in the hallway, and starts talking to her

8:53: Begin fantasizing about Tameka’s girlfriend.

8:53.30: Begin fantasizing about Tameka and Tameka’s girlfriend at the same time.

If you’re keeping score at home, that’s at least six sex-centric thoughts in a 90 minute span. Mind you, he’s still half asleep and hasn’t even eaten yet. By the time he wakes up and gets some food in him, the number of sex-centric thoughts per 90 minutes will probably triple.

I’m bringing this up because, while your search for “love” is endearing, this is the world you’re living in right now. Pretty much every guy you meet — even the ones who may not even be interested in you — is going to want to sleep with you. Now, this doesn’t mean that they’re not good guys, but good guys have raging hormones at this age too.

My advice? Study. Go out dates. Go to parties (“black” and “white” parties). Hang out with your girlfriends. Call home every now and then. Volunteer if you can. Party some more. Play spades. Date a white guy. Date an Indian guy. Date a Latino. Shyte, date a woman, lol. I know you say you want to find someone to lurve, but at your age you need to stay in the realm of “like.” Forget about finding your future husband right now, and focus instead on Advanced French and finding out who’s throwing the hottest party Friday night.


Damon Young (aka The Champ)

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  • Cchigbu23

    Sounds more to me like she is looking for someone to take her virginity, but doesn’t want it to be a one night stand.

  • mrs.j.cole

    i need some advice…….#damn coleworld no blanket

  • TVAL

    At the college age, priorities should not be finding a husband. I am 26 and that is not even  in my top 3 priority list. Date around and find out what you like and don’t like. 

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  • To girl in college. You have no time to be longing for someone if your life is filled with things/jobs and friends that keep you happy….

  • Wow

    Enjoy these carefree college years.  Don’t get bogged down in a relationship. I wish I had taken my own advice and took advantage of my college years to just be a young adult, study, hang with friends, catch a party or two, meet new people, travel, etc before you graduate . Worry about the man later, it’ll only hinder you now.

  • Champ thank you so much for being honest with this young lady.  Baby have fun, it is not that serious!

  • Kierah

    To the college girl – just go to school and do the college thing. The guys will come. Hold to your principles until you meet someone willing to meet your standards. Worrying about when the date will come will make you lonely and desperate.
    To Live Your Life – I cannot believe you are even giving your ex that kind of room. Unless he’s willing to tell you about the 10 human heads your new boo has under his floorboards, then he needs to get on with that mess. As with any new relationship, proceed with caution and one hand on the pepper spray. You’re a big girl now, I think you can handle it.

  • Pillow Carter

    I like the advice you gave to the young lady in college.

     Honey live your life! I didnt find love until I was almost 30 years old! 28 to be exact. I dont think a woman really knows herself until she is around 25. That is when things for me started to gain some perspective. The things that I liked in a guy at 19-23 ish changed dramatically. Concentrate on school, getting your degree, and starting your life. He is out there, but take your time. You will know when you find him because he will be willing to wait for you as long as he has to. Its so refreshing to hear a young woman with values and virginity, keep it up sweetie!