Ask a Very Smart Brother: Baby Daddy Drama and Supporting Your Man

December 28th, 2011 - By MN Editor

unemployed and college educated

Dear Very Smart Brother

I need advice quick fast and in a hurry. I am a 24 year old nuclear engineer and I am currently seeing a very good man. He’s attractive, he cares about me, he loves his children and he is honest. The bad part is that he comes with ALOT of baggage. he has two kids (two baby mamas), he has a dead end, low paying job, he’s staying with a friend and he has no car or cell phone. Most (if not all) of his money goes to child support and bills, so its a struggle for him to save. Also he has Crohn’s Disease, which is managed by medication and a proper diet, neither of which he has the funds to obtain. I truly empathize with his situation. I know first hand how it feels to struggle; I’ve been car-less, I’ve been jobless, and I’ve been homeless which is why I try to see the MAN that he is rather than what he does or does not have. I cook healthy meals for him, I loan him money and my car (to go to work), I try to encourage him and motivate him. I feel as if he has the potential to be this great man if he could just get his financial situation together. I know its hard in this recession, but when it comes to job hunting I feel as if he is only giving about 80%. When I’m at work lately I find myself spending more time than I should on the internet job hunting for him. He has a degree in Animal Science and Agriculture, so I don’t understand why he’s not using it. I feel that he should be giving 150% to better his life and his situation, I did so I know he can do it, but he’s 29 and his life has been in this limbo for years now. I want a family and a home and a stable, loving environment for my future children (I currently don’t have any) and I really think I can do that with him, but only if he takes more initiative. I don’t want to nag him, and I don’t want to give up on him either, but I can’t do this forever. He’s a good man and good men are so hard to find. I don’t want to throw mine away because he’s having a hard time.

Sincerely,

Don’t Want To Give Up

 

Dear Don’t Want To Give Up,

If there’s any letter that’s proof of how royally effed up the recession has been, it’s this one. Nuclear scientists who’ve been homeless? Bachelor Degreed cats with serious digestive issues who can’t even afford a cell phone? It’s like the Black Enterprise version of Oliver Twist.

Anyway, it sounds like your man is going through some serious depression. Just be happy that we’re lucky enough to live in a country where people with limited resources can still afford the medical care they need. (Damn, my bad. Disregard that last sentence. I occasionally forget that we’re not Canadian.)

I commend you for being such a supportive and helpful woman, but there comes a time when it’s probably better to jump ship instead of trying to steer it to safety. While he might be a good guy, it doesn’t seem like he’s in a place where he needs to be dating anyone right now, and you shouldn’t volunteer to be a guinea pig in his “how messed up can a man’s life be and still have women supporting him” experiment.

Continue to be his friend, but curtail the romance and any thoughts of any future together (read: please date other people!!!) until he makes some concrete moves to better himself. Being a support beam is ok for a while, but too much pressure will eventually knock you down too.

Sincerely,

Damon Young (aka The Champ)

Pittsburgh native Damon Young (aka “The Champ”) is the co-founder of the ridiculously popular VerySmartBrothas.com. Their first book “Your Degrees Won’t Keep You Warm At Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide To Dating, Mating and Fighting Crime” is available at Amazon.com

Want relationship advice from a Very Smart Brotha? Submit questions to editors@madamenoire.com. Put “Ask a Very Smart Brotha” in the subject line. Check the site every Wednesday to see if your question was selected!

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  • Naidy

    Regarding letter number 2, I’m in a similar situation except that instead of supporting some man I can just dump it’s my older brother who has been living with me for 3 years. He’s been unemployed for about 4 years and, because I don’t harangue him about his job search, I get the feeling that he’s stopped searching. It’s hard out, I know. But it’s become kind of a financial and emotional burden.I feel more obligated to help because he’s family but I can’t help but to feel like I’m not allowing myself to live my own life. Nor am I giving him the kick in the pants that he needs to try and get back into the game. It won’t be easy but I’m gonna have to find a way to apply letter # 2′s advice to my life.

  • Ifuaskme2

    ‘I am a 24 year old nuclear engineer’……….unlikely. Jobless, carless, homeless. Um, so how did you afford your degree Ma? I think VSB also doubted the validity of this one. Oliver Twist indeed. As for the first letter. 3 babies,no ring and you worry about stability? Don’t. He was seeing her while he was still with you.

    • Don’t Want To Give Up

      Thank you all for your advice. It was greatly appreciated. As for IFUASKME2, its obvious that you’ve never heard of a full academic scholarship. I graduated from the only HBCU in the nation to offer Nuclear Engineering as an undergraduate degree (SCSU…Go Bulldogs!) In graduate school, even thought I had a scholarship, I didnt have free housing like in undergrad, so I was homeless for awhile until I got two pt jobs and found a place that i could afford.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=749593947 Candida Love

    I almost spat out my beer on my laptop when you started talking about people with limited resources being able to afford healthcare. I was thinking wtf he must be high or the US merged with Canada without my knowledge. Anyways, for the first article I totally agree and on the second one I would tell her to stick it through for a little while. I have learned in life one hand washes the other.

  • Cchigbu23

    I am going through the same situation with my boyfriend at the moment. He is homeless(sleeping over friends’ houses), no job, and in a deep depression. I have bipolar disorder and have been through alot of what he is going through. But, thankfully I have a very supportive family and I am studying at Harvard for my MA! My life is on the up and up! Although I still love him and want to be with him, right now I am focusing on being his best friend and cheer leader while still putting most of my energy into school and my future. Focus on yourself. Love yourself. Lead by example and he will do the same. Also, it is very hard for a man to watch his life crumble and his woman’s life grow. He could very easily begin to resent your help. Don’t push too hard and don’t nag.

  • FromUR2UB

    The second letter, yes, smart advice.  They are not equally yoked, and when people aren’t in the same place in their lives at the same time, moving in the same direction, their relationship is doomed to fail.  There are too many things wrong with this relationship, and I learned a long time ago that love alone, is never enough.  She’s trying to be his rescuer, but she’ll only end up sabotaging her own success in trying to lift him up.  A woman can’t save a man.  When ready, he figures out how to save himself, and then takes the steps to do it.  But he doesn’t change who he is until HE wants to.  This guy doesn’t have the means to take care of himself, let alone two children.   I don’t care how much a woman earns, she wants a man who’s going to be a helpmate in her life.  If he can’t help her carry the burden, she’ll learn to resent him.  Then he’ll resent her for making him feel inadequate.  I’d say that she probably needs some work on her self esteem too, because she has done what she needs to, to make a better life for herself, yet is willing to settle for a guy who has nothing to offer her.  Sex isn’t enough, either.  
    Boy, I hope she doesn’t marry this guy or have a baby with him (sigh).

  • Kierah

    @ Concerned Babymama, it is just a bad idea to have your children in a home where the relationship is so new. I won’t call the woman a potential molester. However, there is an adjustment period when people move in with each other. I would approach my ex by saying, “The two of you need to lay the foundation of your relationship before trying to form an instant nuclear family.” Let your children be around the woman so that you both can see how she treats them before uprooting your children’s lives to a potentially negative situation. Good luck!
    @ Don’t Want to Give Up – Give up!! Wave the white flag. Frankly your letter made me tired.You’ve got a lot going for yourself. This relationship could derail your whole game plan.

  • MissK

    Thank God for Canadian Health Care – oh and she isn’t loaning him money, she’s GIVING it to him! (I’ve watched too much Judge Judy not to know how these things work)!

  • Wow

    To the second letter writer….RRRRRRUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Guest

    How do you women even get involved with these men in the first place?  This is very sad.  I still cannot understand women.  And sadly McDonald’s is the only employer looking for someone with an Animal Science and Agriculture degree.  Whoever told him to get that degree gave him bad advice.  Many college degrees are way overrated.  He would have been better off being a tradesman.  Despite being blue collar, skilled tradesmen make enough to support themselves, and usually make more than the supposedly educated women who frequent this website and despise blue collar men.

    • Martins Tanya

      wow, lmao!!!

  • http://twitter.com/HighSadiddy1 Tricia Clark

    For the first letter, I think it is so disrespectful to the mother of his children (and the children) for the father to want to move in his “new girlfriend”, that he met online and probably barely knows. 

  • RadiantBeauty822011

    For the first letter, please follow your gut. We have mother’s instinct for a reason! Stranger danger is real. You have to protect your children’s best interest because if you don’t, no one else will!!!

    For the second letter, I have been there (and still am). I made the bad choice of marrying my husband while he claimed he was going to try harder etc (even when his actions indicated otherwise). And, I hunted for jobs FOR HIM instead of falling back so he could man up. Which leads to now: He shows no initiative in looking for a job, in improving our relationship, or in raising our children. Girl, a man who shows no initiative to improve his quality of life will be the SAME after marriage!!!!! Please run while you can. Take this from someone who didn’t…

  • Msgonzo10

    As usual, the Champ offers great advice and the bottom line for both of these women is they need to follow what their guts are telling them. Mom in the first letter needs to follow her instincts because parents can make mistakes with disastrous consequences for their children. Better safe than sorry. sa for the second woman, she knew the truth before she wrote Champ hopefully she will follow it and leave before she turns up pregnant and now feels morally bound to stick it out for the sake of being a family. GET OUT NOW!!

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Childof-Ochun/686111573 Childof Ochun

    Good advice.  When I say I would not want to be bothered with a man like this, some of the brothers I know say that I am “materialistic” or “shallow”.  I call it being evenly yoked.  If you are a person with goals, drive and future earning potential you want someone who is similar, regardless of your gender.  T

    • Nicegirl

      Only men who are in dead end jobs, without initiatives and goals call women who expect more “materialistic” and “shallow”.  Men who make decent maney and have goals, drive, and future earning potential expect the same in their women.

  • Guess

    Regarding the first letter – I have a friend who works for the Dept of Children and Family Services and she said that female physical and sexual abusers are more common than people realize.  With that, I agree with the mother, do not let the children live permanently with their father until the girlfriend becomes someone you can trust.  Same goes for you, do not move a man in nor introduce your children to every tom, di%k, and harry.
    2nd letter – I dont see the attraction in a man who is willing to rely on his girlfriend to get by.  DO NOT take care of a man, including job hunting for him.  That’s crazy.  Dont mother a men then  wonder why he isnt man enough to take care of home. 

  • Getit!

    Ever try to save a drowning man? When people are in a deep mess. Leave them. There is always a reason. If you put yourself in there while God is whoopin’ them, don’t be surprised if your hand gets tapped. Never jump into a mess without research. You need all 3 sides to the story. His side, her side, and the truth. Which of those 3 do you think is the hardest to find?

    • KikuyuDread

      My husband was drowning when I met him. No job, no car, no home, hadn’t finished college and literally had only the clothes on his back. Now? Good job with benefits, we have a great apartment, finished school, paid off both of our school loans and we had an amazing wedding in Africa. It wasn’t easy, but we worked through it together and we have a great relationship, surrounded by wonderful friends and family. 

      • Eastendersfan

        Good for you.  I mean that.  But I still wouldn’t suggest other women roll that dice.

      • http://profiles.yahoo.com/u/LMVI6QGGVLHIAIVA6NXW3SZQWI BROWNIE

        This does not happen often enough for me to take such a risk…glad it worked out for you, but from experience…a man has to come with it or keep it moving…

  • FAMURattler85

    First, 9 years is too long to be dating someone without getting married. I couldn’t even do that, let alone have 3 children with that man. But hey, I don’t know the whole story and there might be a good reason for them to not get married *side eye*.

    Second, I think Champ gave excellent advice on how to handle that situation. It would be a very bad situation if she allowed that man to bring her down because he isn’t putting forth enough effort. It is not her job to keep him afloat. He needs to step up, be a man and take care of grown man business. If she continues to provide a crutch for him, he might become complacent and expect her to continue to be that crutch until he is done with her.

    • va_diva84

      I was in the same situation with my ex-fiance earlier this year. We were together for the last   8 years and he ended the relationship because he wasn’t getting enough “help” from me. I had money coming in each month for a medical condition I have that helped keep a roof over our head. His paycheck went towards the utilities that were in my name and phonebill under my account. He told me “Why don’t you find a full-time job and pay all the bills and I stay at home?”  I wasn’t cool with that because given he had the two kids I had a feeling I would be expected to pay bills, be his maid and pay his child-support among other things while he sat  at home. It was hard coming from another state trying to find work due to the economy and the  area we lived in. I was taking classes online at the time,coking, and cleaning while he was at work but all of thst was not enough for him. I learned he had a secret friendship with a female friend of a co-worker that  started 2 months into our engagement while living together.  
      He also had 2 kids from his first marriage and an ex-girlfriend that were not living with us. After having problems within our relationship he became extremely paranoid,suspicious and constantly accused me of cheating. Well, I was smart enough to realize the clear sign he was giving me of his guilt because I accused him and he became argumentative and defensive.    I realized his sudden discovery of wanting to be “alone” was a cover up to be with the ugly troll he was cheating with. I’m glad to get him out of my life because I tried my best to always be there for him through 2 failed marriages and struggling with not seeing his oldest child that has not been with him. Unfortunately, I stayed because when I love, I love hard and refused to give up on what we had but he did.

      • Areyouserious

        This is pathetic.

        • va_diva84

          All I will say in regards to that is I learned my lesson and will continue to move forward because I know I’m worth it

          • Pivyque

            I am glad you moved on.

            • VA_DIVA84

              I recently found out from my ex’s best-friend that he moved in the same girl he claimed was just a “friend”. Shortly after that they decided to be in a relationship which is now over due to him cheating on her with someone else.

      • FAMURattler85

        Wow. I can’t believe he had the audacity to say and do something like that. Smh

        • va_diva84

          The sad part is that I got along great with his mother and she never got along with his first two wives or his ex-girlfriend. I don’t have any children nor have I been married yet. He has always attracted the complete opposite of me in other relationships. His last three ex’s have hurt him emotionally,mentally, and his second wife was physically abusive toward him as well. All of these characteristics I don’t have nor have they been displayed. I even had to cut off an 8 year friendship with my best-friend from highschool that set us up because she failed to see the signs and believe me about his cheating. 

      • http://profiles.yahoo.com/u/LMVI6QGGVLHIAIVA6NXW3SZQWI BROWNIE

        ugh…as long as women like you put up with this bullshid, these deadbeat losers will continue to act up…guess you are 9 1/2 times better than me…my tolerance level is too low for bullshid!

    • Ms_Sunshine9898

      I’m pretty sure that a father wouldn’t just move a woman without really getting to know here well, especially if she’s going to be living with his kids . . . .

    • Pivyque

      I was thinking that same thing! Things happen, but 3?! After the 1st or 2nd one, an adjustment should have been made as far as birth control goes. Making it too easy. Giving him the married benefits without getting married. no-no.

  • Mrsindependent

    Co-sign on the second letter advice. The whole time I was reading I felt bad for her, cuz she sounds like a good person who’s really trying to help him. But his success is solely dependent on him. It’s an internal choice for him whether he will GET UP and take over his life and not let those challenges paralyze him

  • Teflon Mom

    That second letter…I was screaming RUN! RUN NOW! RUN AND DON’T LOOK BACK!!!! from the third sentence on.  Ladamercy. 

    • Bella

      Thank god someone else said it. That man needs to be working on his own life, not dating.

  • Mrsindependent

    Dating for 9years! Goddness well to each his own. I guess my 1 year cut off point for dating must be harsh.

    • http://profiles.yahoo.com/u/LMVI6QGGVLHIAIVA6NXW3SZQWI BROWNIE

      No…she was just desperately stupid…9 years and 3 babies?!? shid…not me…no way in west hell would I go there…ugh!

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