Ask The Luv Coach: My Husband’s Baby Mama Is Threatening Our Marriage

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December 28, 2011 ‐ By

"why did i get married"

 

This week on The Luv Coach, Coach Brody advises a woman whose husband is handling how to balance his obligations to his child and his wife. Read on and weigh in:

Dear Luv Coach

My husband and I married 5 months ago after 5 years of dating and things are going well, with the exception of one thing…. his baby momma. The entire 5 years we dated, she made my life a living hell. She spread rumors that I threatened to abuse his children, claimed that they were still messing around, etc. She has made it no secret after all this time she is still very much in love with my husband and based on past history, would stop at nothing to see us split. Herein lies the dilemma. She has not shared with their child that we’re married and has told my husband in order to see his child he must come to her house and their child is not allowed to come to our home because my husband will not provide her with an address (the reason he won’t tell her where we live is due to issues with her in the past).

I have made it very plain to my husband that I don’t feel comfortable with him being alone with her because of the way she feels about him and past drama. He on the other hand argues he is going over there for his child, not her and that I am trying to prevent him from seeing his child. I argue he doesn’t have to sit in her house to do so, if he can’t come here, why can’t he pick him up and they do something together?? Simply put, I dealt with 5 years of disrespect while we were dating, I am not going to deal with a lifetime of disrespect in my marriage, so I told him spending time over her house means a death certificate for our marriage…. Am I wrong????

-Brandy

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  • http://www.facebook.com/ilyisaiah IlyIsaiah Lewis

    no you are not wrong i dont blame you bcuz 1st of all she thinks she stll has power over him bcuz she is the baby mama. 2nd of all she dont wanna see you all together becuz she is jealous she want to still be with him. i am going through the same thing butwe r not married. i have a son already and one on the way im the type of baby mama that dont i mess to b around mess dont even get involved in the mess i have learnt my lesson and the kidding part about it is he dont even say too much about the situation but let it go on and say wht he is in it for. bt the ima say ths if the situation is coming btween u and ur family n he AINT sayn too much of nothing then baby leave until he make up his mind to handle the situation better cuz until she stop actn stupid its gonna cont to go on.

  • MixedUpInVegas

    Anytime you marry someone who is already a parent, the child becomes part of the package.  If the child is a minor, the other parent is attached to the child and also comes with the package.  By marrying the man, you are, de facto, accepting the package as well.  That being so, and knowing for some 5 years in advance what the package entailed, it seems like a weak argument to now complain about the package that was accepted along with the marriage proposal.

    The many responses here warning about marrying men with baby mammas are wise.  When I bagan to date again after my late husband’s death, I carefully avoided men with minor children.  I believed that I would always come in second to any dependent children.  To some degree, that is as it should be; a man should focus on raising his children.  I wanted a man who had completed his familial obligations.  Amazingly, I found one.  I’d recommend that approach.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_PNG3DVFSGPP65XJXFZC25D3JRU Lan

    Another restaurant cliaimed to use fresh mozz arella cheese,where it’s dishes were actually made with economy cheddar.the “fresh pasta”advertieshed on another meau tumed out to be frozen.–Agedate. ℃⊙M–a nice and free place for younger women and older men,or older women and younger men,to interact with each other.

  • evadadiva

    i don’t think he is sleeping with her.  I went through something similar with my fiance childs mother.  I know he is not screwing her (if he were his bm would definitely let it be known) but she is still crazy over him after 5 years.  He used to have to go over her house to see his duaghter and it was not even an option for me to come too because she has said specifically that she does not want there child around me.  He was falling for it for a while because he really did not know his rights and he thought that he had to.  I did a little research and since they have not involved the courts at all meaning he does not pay child support through the court ( he does not need them to tell him to take care of his child) she is not the custodial parent because no custody has been decided by the court. In my state she is just the primary caretaker at this time which means since his name is on the birth certificate he DOES NOT have to follow her rules when it comes to his child.  So that is exactly what we do.  He will pick her up from school and we go about our business.  We call to let her mom know whats going on because as stupid as she is we would never leave a mother not knowing where her child is but we don’t have time for the rest of that mess.  We have our good time and take her home.  I just wanted to post because some people used to say that “he has to give her a reason to act like that” and yada yada but the girl is just crazy.  I feel like some people never imagined they would have a child and not be with that childs father and they just lose it after they are in that situation especially once the man moves on because the it makes it more of a reality.

  • Is It 5:00 Yet?

    Aint no way in the world I would marry dude if this was an ongoing problem throughout the 5 years we were dating.

    This letter reminds me why a man with kids is not my first preference. I don’t want to put up with a bitter baby momma.

  • keep ur head up

    I do have to agree that before they were married, she had a chance to see what life would be like.  At the same time, ol’ boy needs to man up.  I know he wants to see his child but where is he going to draw the line?!  The fact that he has been playing by the “babymomma’s” rules all this time is only encouragement for her.  He should’ve put his foot down a long time ago. What is taking him so long to get the situation under control?  He might like the extra attention.  Maybe the “ultimatum” the letter writer made will be a wake up call that it’s his place to deal with his baggage and not his wife’s. 

  • Totti

     
    Ladies, stop dating men with baby mama issues. Why are so many women willing to deal with crazzzy situations that are of no fault of your ow? Dont fall for men who have problems that in turn causes you problems. It’s not worth it. Walk away.

    In this cause, she chose marriage knowing this. Why? LADIES, THERE ARE MEN OUT THERE WHO COME WITHOUT ISSUES…NO BACK CHILD SUPPORT ISSUES, NO BABY MAMA ISSUES, NO FINANCIAL ISSUES THAT REQUIRE YOUR ASSISTANCE, NO PROBATION, PAROLE, CRIMINAL ISSUES, NO NON-EMPLOYMENT ISSUES, NO HOMELESS ISSUES…deal with these men only.

  • Wow

    A chick is not acting crazy and obsessive over a man for five years without encouragement. Pining away for a man for five years without him giving you a reason to keep hanging on is insanity. And the fact that this dude won’t simply go to the court and have his custody/visitation situation mandated speaks volumes.  He instead chooses to follow his ex’s rules that he must come to her house to spend time with his child.  So evidently he likes the arrangement, new wife is totally correct is demanding that this type of visitation arrangement cease.  Old dude is probably still screwing the ex which is why he’s trying to put the blame on his wife for “coming between” him and his child as opposed to putting the ex in check and getting a court order that gives him the legal grounds to see his child without having to sit up under his ex to do so.  Bottom line, he’s probably still banging the ex.

    • Pivyque

      Thats not entirely true. My ex is still obsessive over me after 4 years and I have not encouraged him at all. Not only do we not have kids, we don’t have any mutual friends! We were together for 6 years, so he contacts my family to try and talk to me, sends random emails about missing/loving me and bad mouths my husband…I have no clue why. I have not responded to any of the attempts to contact me. I can only imagine what he would be doing if we had kids…

      • Totti

        Agree with Wow.  Your case may be different.  But in this case, why is this even an issue?  If the husband stopped giving in to her and put his foot down then this wouldnt be a problem.  I dont believe the baby mama would have so much power over him if he didnt give her encouragement.  Otherwise, he isnt manning up. 

        • keep ur head up

          I was posting the same time you were and said just about the same thing.  Great minds think alike LOL.  Have a good morning!

        • Pivyque

          True, but he may not know his rights. Most courts will give the mom full custody. You are right though, I don’t think he is still sleeping with her, but I do think he is just trying to do what she says to prevent him from seeing his kid.

          • Totti

            If he was single, I can agree that he may not know his rights.  But Im sure his wife schooled him on what he needs to do.  Im sure his wife was on point with visitation and child support.  But ket’s also remember if they dont have money for a lawyer that they can request a mediator.

        • Wow

          Truth be told there are a lot of guys who will keep the baby mama stringing along b/c he knows that a guaranteed lay especially if she’s still around girlfriend after girlfriend. So it seems like he’s keeping her appeased in order to keep that door open. There is not a court in this country that wouldn’t give this nan standard visitation with his kid if he’s a fit father. I call bull’ish on his excuses. Baby mama is acting a fool b/c that’s her standard fare and obviously he’s wants to deal with her that way.

          • Nina

            @336cdc7d553e2d3dd748e0b1a5915975:disqus Say THAT!! She’s crazy for marrying this fool and putting up with this nonsense. I guarantee you he’s sleeping with the babymomma from time to time. 

      • A1c2b3_2006

        Then your ex would fall under category of insanity. Get a restraining order.’c it is not normal for anyone to obsess over unrequited love for years and years, i don’t how good the goodies were or how fragile the ego, it’s insane.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100003085266535 Courtney Small

    nope. Eff all of that get ya baseball bat and get medieval  on dat azz. There will be only one woman riding that disco stick and that’s ME!!!!!!!!!!! HEFFA!!

    • KikuyuDread

      Wow…you’re such a sophisticated, classy lady. 

  • Guest

    Well you should have known what you were getting into after 5 years.  Things don’t just change because you’re now married.

    • Pivyque

      THANK YOU!!! AFTER 5 YEARS OF IT, SHE MARRIES THE GUY AND THEN COMPLAINS. Lol Ridiculous. Find A Way To Deal With It.

  • Annie

    I don’t know maybe he is still involved with her. Why sit at the house to visit his son if he is not still interested in something about her. I agree he should do things with his son away from the Mom. I know because I am in a similar situation and don’t play these games…..my ex can flirt all he wants but he made his choice about who he wanted and that is the only thing I focus on. 
    He choose her so she needs to deal with it…….I disagree that she is third wheel in their relationship…..this is a love triangle and the mom will always be in his life. They will need to learn to make it work. 

  • Champagnealex

    now that you are married, handle it out in court…  and by the way you have to trust your husband, don’t keep him from seeing his child, if he has to go to her home, its ok for him to see his child at her home. handle the rest in court, because his child should be able to go to you and your husband home ….

    • http://www.rishona.net/ Shona

      Wow it may sound nice to say “I’ll see you in court”; family court (or any court really) takes an enormous toll on you; financially and emotionally. Not to mention, non-custodial father’s have the odds stacked up against them. When you have to use the courts to settle your problems, what often happens is that a decision is made, someone gets unhappy, and it either gets appealed or the unhappy party brings something else to court. OR your case is looked at, the judge (or whoever) isn’t satisfied that that there is enough information to rule or would rather wait to see if the situation improves on its own. All the while time and money are wasting away…and the child is held in limbo.

      • KikuyuDread

        If both parents are mature, then the courts don’t necessarily have to get involved. I have several couple friends who had children, broke up, don’t have court orders and get along lovely – new partners included! This is obviously not the case in this situation. The ex GF is doing everything in her power to be a negative force in their lives. The husband needs to take it to the courts because otherwise, the ex will continue to use their child as a pawn in her little game. 

  • http://howtoloveyourreflection.com TheImageCoach

    Whooo….had to take a deep breath and woo-sah because this reminded me SO much of what I went through with the wife-in-law (my husband’s first wife). She had some pretty unreasonable “rules” for when he visited their son. My husband ALWAYS had to pick him up, and she would insist that I had to wait in the car – that I could not come into the house. Their son struggled mightily with wanting to like me but feeling disloyal to his mother if he did. It was SO hard for him, and my heart ached for him. He didn’t even want to call me any variation of “Mama” because he felt it would be disloyal. We settled on Ma Dee – and now that he’s grown, we have a terrific relationship. 

    My husband also “catered” to his ex far too much, in my opinion. She even had the nerve to tell him we could “share” him and I wouldn’t have to know…good thing she never crossed the street in front of my car. 

    I love the idea of presenting the united front – and making sure that the legal system in their home city is used to their advantage. Sometimes non-custodial fathers shy away from making waves legally because they are afraid other aspects of their divorce / custody / child support will be examined. Our legal system needs to be fairer to non-custodial parents, especially when they can PROVE that they are fulfilling their legal obligations – but that won’t happen unless they speak up and continue to speak up about this kind of unfair and harmful treatment.

    • Nicegirl

      I grew up dearly loving my step mother. My mother and step mother got along tremendously well.  They respected each other and became good friends.  But she was not my mother so I didnt want to call her Mama.  I called her Carol.  So, what was wrong with your husband’s ex not expecting the same from you? 

      Also, what’s wrong with him having to always pick the son up?  If it’s his visitation, I don’t see the issue there…

      • http://howtoloveyourreflection.com TheImageCoach

        GM NiceGirl – Had my stepson been older, I don’t think him calling me by my first name would have been an issue, but he was 8 years old at the time, and both my husband and I grew up “old school” – you didn’t call adults by their first names until YOU were an adult. I still don’t do it much now…elders in my community who have said “Call me by my first name” become Miss or Mr. . It’s the way our family did it. If it had been a simple matter of the ex not wanting another woman to be called Mama, I could have easily understood and maybe we could have worked TOGETHER to find a name that both she and I could live with. That was NOT the case here – she was full of disrespect and vitriol and that unfortunately carried over to my son (He is my son in every aspect except that I did not give birth to him). 

        I also would not have had a problem with my husband always having to pick up “his” son, but his ex-wife made it unnecessarily difficult – and her insistence on having me wait outside in the car, then prolonging the departure so she could spend time trying to undermine my marriage and undermine my  husband’s relationship with their son did not sit well with me at all. 
        She actually threatened NOT to let their son visit with him if I came with him to pick the child up – what kind of bitter, hateful action is that? Unfortunately, it took my son reaching his teens before this nonsense stopped – because he was able to see that the disrespect and bad feelings were on HER side, not on mine. I never spoke ill of her in front of the children – ANY of my children – but I know for a fact that she did not offer the same kind of respect to me. In fact – we HAD been friends in high school, but she chose to turn our relationship into a negative after her marriage failed – and through NO fault of mine.

        I did the best I could with what was handed to me – and the wonderful relationship I have with my son is testimony enough for me that I did the right thing.

        • Nicegirl

          It’s great to know that you two have a wonderful relationship. 
          My step mother was a great woman and treated us like gold. I truly loved her and enjoyed spending my weekends with her.She has past away and to this day when her name is mentioned my mother will say kind words about her. 

          I mentioned the name thing – calling you Mama- b/c I have seen step mothers make that an issue.  I actually called my step mother Miss Carol, never realized why until now.  But I believe step parents have to realize that some kids and/or biological parents may not feel comfortable with that.  Therefore, it shouldnt be an issue and respected.  This doesnt mean the kid doesnt love them.  Just that it is not the step parent’s place to expect to be called that. 

          • http://howtoloveyourreflection.com TheImageCoach

            Hey NiceGirl – I wish all stepmama – kid relationships were like yours and your stepmothers’…it would be a wonderful world. I, like you, have seen stepmama’s make it an issue because they feel they have to “replace” the biological mama (or want to try to). That was never my role – and I made sure my son understood that. I told him multiple times that I could not and would not try to replace his Mama. When he had issues with her, he knew he could call me and talk, but I would NOT stand for him disrespecting her in any way – at least not in my presence or in my home. I wish she had felt the same way.

            He actually repeated a couple of things she said about me in his presence and it made me sad. First, because she was saying such things to a child, and second that it gave him the impression it was okay to disrespect me. 

            It should NOT be an issue, but for some women, the “competition” between the ex-wife and the current wife will never be over. She consistently made a point of reminding me that she was the “first wife”…I simply smiled and replied that I was the LAST WIFE and there would never be another after me because we are together for LIFE.

            I just wish we ADULTS could work out our relationship issues without involving the children. When my first husband remarried, I told our son it was okay to develop a name for his second wife that they (my son and his new stepmama) could agree on. While I love the title Mama, it takes more than a title to describe my relationship with my son. I was not the least bit threatened that he called her Mama Ruth…it made me happy that he had someone else he could go to and depend on when he needed someone. While my ex is now deceased, she and I became good friends. It’s a decision we have to make carefully.

  • Champagnealex

    you have to trust your husband, its ok for him to stay a few minutes at her home when he is picking up his child… his child deserves some kind of normalcy of seeing her father.

  • http://www.rishona.net/ Shona

    This is all so disheartening! My BF has a young daughter whose mother REFUSES access to her. Although she says it’s because the child support is not enough (my BF is in college, so the child support order was changed), I’m pretty sure it’s because of me. She had no problem bringing her over to him 3, sometimes 4 times a week. And then once she found out about me, she started flipping out. I myself don’t have any children. But what a terrible thing to do! Sometimes I’m tempted to ask, “If I break up with you, do you think she’ll let you see her again?” But it’s such a stupid notion. They had been broken up for 8 months before he met me. What is he supposed to do, stay single indefinitely?

    I’m in my 30s, and it seems as if BM drama has reached a whole new level of severity. My Grandfather whose in his 80s went through a divorce. So did 2 of his brothers. All of them paid child support, but were otherwise kind of removed from their children’s lives. I don’t agree with that…but their exes sure had enough dignity and self-respect to leave these men (and their new wives and families – my Grandmother was the second wife) alone. My parents also weren’t together. But they were very cooperative and focused more on making sure I had my needs met, then money and courts. Similarly, my friends with separated or divorced parents didn’t have to deal with ridiculous custody arrangements. But nowadays…women seem to have lost their mind! It’s like they have totally lost sight of what’s best for their child. Totally lost sight of their role and responsibilities as a mother. And don’t know the first thing about class and self-respect (my BF’s BM has cussed him out, physically attacked, and spit on him….in public…several times). It’s like each generation becomes more and more selfish…acting with absolutely no regard to the legacy that they’ll leave behind for their kids. :-(

  • itty bitty

    I’ve dealt with some of this before with my husband. Like many already said, is there a visitation order in place? If not, then she can dictate when and how he sees his child. Remember, however, that it is the “two” of you now, and there needs to be some compromise on both sides. If going over to her house makes you uncomfortable, then he and the bm need to find another way for him to see his child. On the same note, please do not make it seem like you are giving him an ultimatum! Please don’t make it seem like he has to choose between you and his child…he seems to want to do the right thing, but is adjusting to this new situation. 

    Please…document everything!!! If she is doing what you are saying, document, document, document! Then go for a restraining order against her….when you do that, go to court and get formal visitation. When you do, tell the court that you have a restraining order against her, and that you need the father and her to meet in a neutral location (police station is preferable) for the trade-off of the child. Have it written in the order…along with specific dates and times that he gets visitation. That takes the power out of the bm’s hands, and puts it in the hands of the courts. 

    More than anything, the two of you have to approach this situation with a united front….she can’t fight against that, and if she continues to refuse access to the child, then have that noted in court. Take away her control! You can’t control how SHE deals with the situation, but you can control how the two of you RESPOND to it!

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_4TC2GNVJI3KE4UNJAFZRSDT7NQ Lisa

      I agree with you on this. I don’t have that problem with my kids father. We get along and I get along with the new wife. We didn’t get along at first she was always doing stupid stuff but when she saw it was not working and he was still going to get his kids and spend time with them during his visitation. She gave up.

    • Jessica Williams

      i love what you said, save for one thing. the way i read it, i don’t think she’s giving ultimatums but how much can you take before you have to draw the line? after sticking by him all these years, and for him to even assume that she is coming between he and his child is an insult. i know he’s trying to do right by his child and that’s what he is supposed to do, but nothing but God Himself comes before the marriage. now when they were dating, that was different. they all need to go through the courts for visitation, custody rights, and neutral meeting places due to the fact that the child’s mother is still hung up on the child’s father. and she might not be that stable. they probably end up giving him sole custody, if she don’t start acting like she got some sense.

      • itty bitty

        Jessica: 

        I think that you are absolutely right about nothing but God coming before the marriage. I was specifically responding to the statement that “spending time over her house means a death certificate for our marriage…” Those are pretty strong words, especially to a man that feels like that is the only way he can see his child. I know…because I was there (and said many of the same things) with my husband two years ago when we were first married…and he took offense, thinking that I was saying that “it’s me or the child” when I really wasn’t. Maybe there is another way that she can get her point across? Like…”when you go over there, I feel like….” or “Maybe we should explore this alternative to you going over her house all of the time…” Because, believe me…being married has its own difficulties to navigate through…this will only be one of them…

    • Virtualvenus

       WOW!!! Could not have said it better myself. Do all of this…I’m telling you from personal experience cause I too had to have times, places, and dates spelled out in my custody order. Document EVERYTHING; no matter how mundane. And above all else REMAIN AN ADULT. Never ever stoop to their level!

  • JUICE

    Baby daddies are a turn off.

  • Me

    This is why I never want to date anyone with kids. I don’t have any so I don’t want to put up with that mess. If I did end up being a single mom with a crazy baby daddy I can’t say I would hate guys for not wanting to date me. Shoot, I wouldn’t want to date me either. 

    • Sophia

      THANK U HONEY THANK U 

    • Guest

      Exactly and it goes both ways. I didn’t want a ready made family and if I found myself single again, I would blame a man who felt the same. If I found myself single the kids would have to be grown with their own lives and emotionally as well as financially independent.

    • Amanda

      Big mistake girl. I used to be just like you.

      Wrong attitude.

      I wouldnt have my husband if I had broken it off with him and found out he had a daughter. You could pass up your soul mate over something silly like a baby mama.

      Just saying.. you should rethink.

  • letmethinkonthis

    Have visitation and harrassment issues settled by a court: restraining order first, and then visitation details like drop offs, times, etc.  Why play games? 

    • Teflon Mom

      That’s EXACTLY what I was thinking – he may need to consult a lawyer to get the custody/restraining order set up.  And if I was the letter writer, I’d have to have a “ski mask chat” with that broad in a dark alley, lol.

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_4TC2GNVJI3KE4UNJAFZRSDT7NQ Lisa

      I agree with you on this plus she needs to document everything and if she is leaving threatening voice/text messages they need to be saved.
      Sometimes men don’t know what to do. They hear the horror stories of others but don’t know the whole story. They may only know only one side of the story.  Because in these times the courts don’t play with either parent playing visitation games. In California and Indiana they don’t play that. In in you can loose custody, be fined, or get jail time or all three. so custodial parents that are playing games need to tread lightly because the courts are getting tired of these keep away the kids games. I went through baby momma drama when my ex and I were together but when she new that I knew the law and we stood together on this and got the courts involved, all the drama was over. But now that I’m not around they still try to play games but now he warns them of the courts and then it is all good.

  • Bwdbfhbhfbfjnkijlkj

    In the LW’s situation I would have pulled the same death card thinking it was my final choice, before I read this. The advice about talking about solving the problem so they “both win” was a gem I will hold on to.

  • Good Cookie

    Im engaged and totally understand this situation. I’ve dealt with some similarities in the post. All I can say is prayer works wonders and people like these babymommas are bitter. Your husband is probably not vulnerable and just doing what it takes to see his child. That’s a good sign. Trust and love him and realize, even though she’s trying every move in the book , she’s actually running out of options. I could write a book on what I’ve been through but I much rather tell u to pray on it and keep on pushing

    • Virtualvenus

      I am going through this same thing, but the crazy is coming from the father of my child. He’s always doing the “absolute most.” (as they say) He’s always blaming the bf for everything, asking our child what we are doing when he makes his nightly calls (instead of focusing on our son and his day), constantly mentioning my bf by name, physically punishing our son if he shows any affection or comraderie with my bf, reminding all involved that he is just my bf (even though we live together and been together for 4 years), mentioning about the clothes I wear (as if he should care). All this, but he’s married 9oh, and he tries to throw that in my face as if i cared). Things are so contentious between us, that we are not supposed to call each other, but yet there he is dialing my numbers. Then it’s me that has to remind him, over email, that he is not to call me unless it’s an emergency. I meet him in a neutral public area to exchange our child and I CANNOT take my bf because my bf is this close to stomping him out (but he has no issue bringing his wife or sending her alone to do his parenting task) and he’s threatened with the presence of my bf. I’m intrigued that one person would go so out of their way to intercede in my personal life by any means necessary, but I am also tired of it and just wish he would go away. One day I AM going to marry my bf and I wonder what fresh new hell that will bring. Thank God, my bf understands that I am not responsible for his actions and that I keep adhering to the custody order no matter what. He understands that I prefer not to deal with the dad, but it’s not about me and what I want. It’s about my child and if he wants his father in his life then I will absolutely comply despite my indifference to him. To be honest, I find it amusing he spends his days obsessing over me. It’s also very pathetic too. Sad…