How Long is Too Long to Wait for Mr. Right?

December 28th, 2011 - By Rachel Louissaint

"Daddy's Little Girls"

There comes a point in every romantic journey when it may be time to make some serious decisions. Decisions about whether you’re ready to get serious and settle down, or whether or not you need to move on to someone new after feeling like a relationship has run its course. You may have realized that the woman you once were is not the woman you are today. No matter where you are in your relationship pathway, the question of time always comes into play. How many dates do you go on before you realize there is no chemistry? How many chances do you give someone until you feel a spark? How long do you wait for your dream guy until you settle for someone else? When it comes to matters of the heart, timing really is everything.

Black women have been given a bad name when it comes to anything involving marriage and relationships. Depending on what you read you will get a different answer concerning this topic. One source may tell you to be open to dating outside your race because it’s statistically impossible to find a black man in this day and age. And Steve Harvey, the self-proclaimed know-it-all about black women and dating, might tell you something entirely different altogether. We’ve been accused of having unrealistically high standards, but what exactly constitutes a high standard? Are your standards too high if you want someone who is financially secure, emotionally available and stable? I say no.

However, the reality of the situation is that it’s getting harder and harder for black women to find their match among black men. So how long do you wait for love the old-fashioned way until you take it into your own hands? How long do you hold out and wait for Mr. Right? Two months? Six months? One year? It may come to a point when it’s time to take love by the reigns. This particular subject is definitely difficult for me. I like to consider myself traditional in many ways. In a perfect world, I would like to think that my dream man will find me in the most unexpected but romantic way and we can start a beautiful life together. This requires no initial work on my part. But in this day and age, I may have to join Match.com and find him there. Or I may have to attend a mixer when I would rather be relaxing and run into him that way. Basically, like many women today, I may need to tap into my dating resources to find someone for me.

It may not be as easy as bumping into Mr. Sweepmeoffmyfeet while I am out with my girls, à la black romantic comedy style. Finding love takes work and time. Of course there are relationships that are the classic rendition of boy meets girl, girl likes boy, boy and girl fall in love. But with statistics looking as high as they do, maybe we should stop sitting back and waiting and start having control over who we allow in our lives and how we love. Nothing works for every woman, but at least you can say that you tried something new.

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Love_Sexy

Mr. Right usually come along when a person is not looking and least expected…..If you have your head on straight, priorities together and standards in place regarding the type of man you want it will happen…..And lets not forget God plays a big part in the plan,,,,,,,,,,,,,IJS!
- Katrina A.
  
  The idea that love comes along when you least expect it is the stuff of fairy tales to make singles feel better and doesn’t apply to real life. How often have we told someone who’s unemployed that jobs come along when you’re not looking for them? Hopefully never! We tell them who’s hiring so they can go there and apply.Why would finding a relationship be any different? You have to take a more active approach by putting yourself in a position to meet other singles who want what you have to offer through social events and/or online dating.
  
  You’re exactly right about having your priorities and standards in place since it will only be a benefit during your search
  - Love_Sexy
    
    Sorry I respectfully disagree and see it as no fairytale….When you focus on yourself regarding setting goals, doing the things you love to do, aiming for higher education or career etc…..that is when it usually happen from my own personal experience as well as others I know….Of course you want to put yourself in the right environment to meet people but not make it a 24/7 mission is all I am saying…..That is my opinion.
    - Katrina A.
      
      I say the idea is a fairy tale in the sense that it simply doesn’t work for the vast majority of people. No matter how terrible a product is, there will always be those that say it worked for them, which is why testimonial evidence is highly unreliable. I have to point out that if “not looking” worked, there wouldn’t be so many single black women in the first place because then everyone would just quit looking and somehow fall into a relationship. The idea is completely illogical. You say this approach worked for you but I would bet your experience had more to do with you being at the right place at the right time and less about not looking for a relationship. All I’m saying is that singles need to work on being at that right place at the right time more often.
      
      I see nothing wrong with making it your mission to find a relationship. Making it your mission should mean self-improvement on the outside and inside just as you mentioned, which will make you more attractive to a potential mate. It should mean making yourself approachable with a positive attitude wherever you go. It shouldn’t mean looking lonely at a bar every night desperately waiting for a man to approach you
      - Cali
        
        Katrina A. I agree. Especially with your last paragraph. “Not looking” may have been the case for some, but if most women followed that logic they will remain single. I decided I wanted to marry so I “searched” for a compatible partner. Which meant self improvement, like you said, and dating men who were on the same page as me. I always tell women to stop with the pity party, stop listening to single women, stop dating men who are not interested in marraige, must be attractive (men are visual -the ”love me for me” logic comes after the initial approach), be financially, emotionally, spiritually stable. And I truly believe this, make surethat if you have children, that their behavior is correct. No one wants to be with misbehaving children. That’s my 2 cents.
reese

My perspective is a little different the guy I fell in love with wasn’t at all what I thought of as Mr. Right. But he was perfect for me. I didn’t even like him at first, but he was exactly what I needed and I know it has to be divine intervention because it was so different than my list or ideal and I couldn’t be happier. Work on you until while waiting for that right guy and take a chance you might be pleasantly surprised. I was.
FromUR2UB

These days, it seems that a black woman’s best chance for meeting a mate is in college. The pool of available men is its largest at that time, and because no one is focused on getting married right away, they can establish friendships with men at a relaxed pace. After a year of regularly dating and spending time with each other, and after meeting family, most people know whether that’s the person they want to marry, even if marriage doesn’t occur for another year or two. So those long engagements are just a stall with somebody wasting your time.
Guest

There’s a difference between high standards and superficial standards. High standards: Honesty, empathy, industriousness, loyal. Superficial standards: height, salary, education, possessions, swag.
- Guess
  
  Height, salary, education, and possessions… Why are they superficial? HEIGHT – people are attracted to who they are attracted to. As a tall girl I can say, I dont feel comfortable looking down on my man. Why didnt you include weight, teeth, or cross-eyed to the list? SALARY – So because he is nice and funny I should chuck all of my future aspirations out of the window because he doesnt earn enough to support a household. I should be the one carrying a man. I know many women do it, but I cant imagine me paying all the bills because my nice, funny man doesn’t make enough. There are plenty of men with decent salaries, I’ll role the dice on them. EDUCATION – I strongly believe in education. Doesn’t necessarily mean university. But a post secondary education would be nice. If not, someone who worked hard and knows the importance of education. Be it college, a trade, or work experience. POSSESSIONS- So again, he’s nice and being that there is a shortage of BM I should let him drive my car (pick me up from work in MY CAR), let him live with me, possess my utilities and furniture b/c he doesnt have possessions. Well at least he has a cell phone, nice clothes, and is a nice guy.
  
  I make little money, my husband (who unlike me doesnt have a college education) makes considerable more than me. We are your average folks with a little money in the bank. We vacation several times a year (I know how to budget trip my @$$ off) and drive used cars. And personally, Im getting sick of my IKEA furniture. But we worked hard before we met and will continue throughout our marriage. Let’s stop telling people what they should want in a partner.
  - Guest
    
    You completely missed my point which is not a surprise. Qualities such as height, salary and possessions are superficial because they have nothing to do with character. Nobody is telling you to support a man, or marry someone who can’t support a family or is broke. Nobody is telling you to date someone you’re not attracted to or who is 5’3″. Stop being extreme. I’m just saying that it doesn’t matter if someone is tall, rich and college educated if they are emotionally unavailable and treat you like crap. What good is a rich man is a cheater or won’t commit to you?
    Many black people are single because they have no idea how to choose good mates. We SHOULD be telling women what they should look for in a partner. Many women keep choosing the wrong men and then complain there aren’t any good ones. A real man who is industrious (use a dictionary if you don’t know what it means) will not have you driving him around town in your car. He will not be sitting around on his butt or getting fired from his job. An honest, loyal and empathetic man will be willing to meet your emotional needs and not cheat on you. If that’s not the kind of man you want than feel free to keep choosing idiot bums or getting played by jerks.
    And as GUESS proves women with sociology, psychology and urban studies degrees should stop sticking up their noses at all blue collar men. I’m an engineer for a utility, so I know that many of the blue collar men on the field crews make more than any women with psychology and sociology degrees. I know how much they make, and they can definitely support a family. And as many women on here prove, a degree doesn’t equal intelligence. If you have a degree and waste your time dating complete morons how intelligent are you really?
    - Guess
      
      Guest, why are you so intent on offering “advice” and criticism about problems black women present regarding dating and marriage? You have yet to point out the role bm play in this mess. You never discuss how bm arent manning up, but you will criticize the dummies who deal with them. Why is that?
      
      Speaking of today’s topic. You know that both men and women do not solely focus on a person’s inner character traits when looking for a potential mate. Looks, faith, earning potential, stability, dating history, etc are just as important. And I must admit, I am confused about your comments. Initially you stated that there is a difference between high and superficial standards. Later you mention, “I’m just saying that it doesn’t matter if someone is tall, rich and college educated if they are emotionally unavailable and treat you like crap. What good is a rich man is a cheater or won’t commit to you?” Sorry, I DID NOT GET THAT FROM YOUR INITIAL STATEMENT. They seemed like two different statements. Really? Your first comment only mentioned your viewpoint concerning standards. You second comment give more explanation; what you “intended” to explain. And I like the second statement.
      
      And yes, it was great that you pointed out that a girl like me proves that women shouldn’t focus on finding a university educated man (didnt know most women did that?!?). Im a teacher (currently housewife, soon to be stay at home mom). I have a BA, no Master’s nor PhD., and my husband is a police officer. But let’s also mention that he is a white, blond, blue eyed man. I actually married outside of my race. The author mentions interracial dating because, ” it’s statistically impossible to find a black man in this day and age.” But from many of your previous comments, you dont believe this or you simply disregard it.
      
      Finally, too bad that you had to take a dig at my intelligence my suggesting a get a dictionary. In debate class, my instructor often stated that when people have to resort to insults that means that their argument is out of steam.
      - Guest
        
        Superficial means outside or surface qualities. I’m just telling woman to focus on the inner person, because that’s what matters most when choosing a mate. If you have high standards when it comes to the inner person then you won’t waste time on bums. Dump guys who aren’t honest, industrious, empathetic and kind. GUESS you’re one of the more intelligent posters and I’m sure you can agree with that.
        
        I’m against giving women bad advice. Blaming men will get you nowhere. You can’t change loser men. So women should instead learn what to look for in a good man if they want success. However, most women just want to have their core beliefs validated rather than challenged. Believing garbage that its statistically impossible to find a black man is the same as someone believing that its impossible to find a black woman who’s not fat or loud or a white man who’s not racist. It’s simply not true. Judge people on an individual basis and not on their supposed racial history.   Race is a superficial quality. As with height or weight, having black or white skin on the outside has no bearing on what type of person you are inside. I am for IR dating, but it is not the solution. BW marrying IR has increased over the last decade, yet the number of single BW has continued to rise at an even faster pace. So obviously it is NOT the solution.   Women who are poor in relationships won’t automatically have success just by choosing men with a different skin color. That assumption is what I’m challenging.
        
        The solution is that many people don’t know what it takes to get married. Marriage is down across ALL racial groups. Women say they want to get married, yet waste years in dead end relationships with bums. Who’s fault is that? The bums or the woman’s? The loser/bum is having his needs met while the woman is upset and comes on here complaining. So who should I direct my advice to? The satisfied loser/bums or the unhappy women? It’s obvious that some women just want to have their assumptions validated rather than seek real solutions. Robin Thicke spoke the truth and said that there are good black men, and he offered generic relationship advice that could apply to women of any color. However, women on here got angry and accused him of bashing black women. Absurd! They were upset that he dare suggest that men weren’t all to blame for their problems and that there was something they could possibly do to improve their love lives.
        
        Guess
        
        “BW marrying IR has increased over the last decade, yet the number of single BW has continued to rise at an even faster pace.” But you didnt mention why (and I believe you know why). Studies have shown (Pew Research) that bw are outpacing bm concerning higher education attainment. This affects bw’s choices when looking for Mr. Right. Out of black, white, Hisp, Asian racial and gender groups, bm have the lowest level of education attainment. You may not agree, you mat not believe, but these are some of the reasons why more and more bw are single and why more are marrying outside of their race.  Both bm and bw with higher educations are among those who marry other races. And almost 1/4 of bm who marry marry non-bw. Point is, you may believe that people are saying that there is a shortage of bm as a scapecoat, but it’s true.  There are other reasons why this exists, but Im not going there. Plus, Im sure you know why.
        
        Next, stop coming at me spitting that I have to stop pretending bw arent at fault. You know my view regarding this. Also, I believe IR can be a solution for some bw. Regardless of your feelings about this, it has proven to work.  And now is not the time for you to put words in my mouth (not ALL bw, not ALL IR relationships…).  Our marriages are going stronger than wm/ww and wm/ bm.
        
        And regarding superficial, many people take looks (including weight, height) into account.  Including men – mostly men. Personally, I am not sexually attracted to short or overweight men. That’s not superficial, it’s attraction. Also, both men and women expect their Mrs or Mr. Right to make decent salaries. I dont think most women have a problem with blue collar men. They do have a problem with men who make low paying salaries that will not carry shared household bills.
        
        I think too many people confuse superficial people who only want to date athletes, doctors, and lawyers, or those who only go for the video vixen type with those who are personal attraction.
        
        Guest
        
        The word superficial means outward or external. So physical attraction is superficial. That doesn’t mean its wrong to have some superficial standards like attraction. That alone doesn’t make you a superficial person. But the more superficial standards you have, the narrower your dating pool.
        Women are outpacing men in general when it comes to higher education. More white women are graduating college than white men. White women who have degrees are dealing with the same shortage. IR is a solution for some yes. But overall it is not a solution. Black women are still chosen last as IR partners. That’s a reality. And successful white men who have a large selection pool are the least likely to marry IR in general and the least likely to marry black women. The women in my family who did marry IR are more educated than their husbands.
        
        Guest2
        
        Your Responses are excellent! I could not have said it better myself. Many people in general do not know how to choose a mate. Marriage is always a risk but a good question to ask yourself is “If I had a child would I want them to grow up and be just like this person?”
        
        People who know how to choose good mates overall marry “character” someone with moral integrity and knows how to be married. I too once did not know how to choose a mate.
        
        Everyone has their own path to chose but when I joined this program that taught me what “courtship” was really about and it manifested the man of my dreams.
        
        This program taught me to cover my body so that I did not attract men who were only hungry for sex (in general) it taught me to never sleep with a man but sit and talk with him, find out his family history, his goals, his values, his financial stability and how he plans to raise children, and it taught me to only seek out men who are actually interested in being married and understand their role in the family.
        
        That “Program” is Islam. And today I am married to a man better than any man I have ever met. He doesn’t smoke, doesn’t drink, takes care of our family, and is incredibly humble. I can only thank Allah. Peace be everyone’s journey.
        
        I was raised baptist Christian but, it wasn’t enough. This is in no way ment to belittle anyone else’s faith. Unfortuanly this issue I believe is formost spiritual and then cultural and needs a complete overhaul. I also believe that a nation can rise no higher than it’s woman.
        
        Where there are no respectable women there are generally no respectable people. Women nurture and teach, we are the cornerstone of every society. This is also in no way to negate the responsiblity of Black men of course. We all need to step it up.
        
        Guest
        
        And before you think I’m hating on black women I will mention that Asian men suffer from similar negative odds in IR marriage. I’m just offering a dose of reality. IR dating is not going to solve the problem of single black women. Some like you will get married, but most will not. White men are not lining up for single black women as most have plenty of other options. I went to a rich white prep school and none of my white classmates have married black women. Its not necessarily fair. But what doesn’t help is offering false solutions.
        
        http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=2015378 Katrina Anderson
        
        I’ve also heard that Asian men have the same problems as black women when it comes to marriage. In theory, the solution would be that black women should date Asian men but as you said, white men nor Asian men are lining up for black women.
        
        Cali
        
        Just read recently that with many Chinese workers moving to African nations to help build the countries (many African nations have financial partnerships with China), many African women are marrying Chinese men. Check out  ChinaSmack.
        
        http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=2015378 Katrina Anderson
        
        Thanks for the info CALI. I just looked it up and it is, indeed, a trend. I’m as shocked as anyone else! Let’s hope this trend of challenging racial boundaries continues and makes its way here to the US
        
        Love_Sexy
        
        True!
    - dgrrl
      
      “applause”, now…are you single? lol
    - Katrina A.
      
      Wow GUEST…way to criticize women for sticking their noses up to blue collar men but at the same time, you stick your nose up to the women on this board by attacking their intelligence based on a preconceived idea you carry about them.
      
      These types of assumptions are exactly why singles are hesitant to share even the smallest details of their dating life because many people who aren’t in the dating world are quick to assume and make judgments. They’re more concerned with condemning than empathizing. You probably would not have chosen to be so arrogant had this conversation taken place offline but remember that every comment should be respectful whether on the internet or not.
esa

let go of the man who is not making you happy. not only will he *never* change, but more importantly, he is blocking the way to the man who *will* make you happy.
Zc7463

I wasn’t out looking for a man myself. I prayed and asked God for what I wanted in a man. He answered my prays. I have been married for 24 years now, and I am very happy and blessed.
I have to give credit where it is due.
- Katrina A.
  
  Congratulations, ZC7463, on 24 years of marriage. The problem is that praying to get what you need isn’t exactly the most effective method to find a relationship and it’s track record of producing results is extremely low. Churches are filled with single women praying for a man with limited results. If prayer was so effective, there wouldn’t be so many single women in the black church to begin with. It’s time for them to make a decision to do more than pray. We could go into the philosophical aspects of what Jesus did and discuss if these women are following what the Bible says or whatever, but none of that would help solve the issue and would only create a soapbox for those who wanna be internet preachers. What these women need is practical advice on what to do to increase their chances of finding a partner.
  - FromUR2UB
    
    I agree. I would even go as far as to say that churches sometimes act like it’s morally wrong for single men and women to want to get together. Despite many churches having singles ministries, they seem to scandalize the idea of the men and women coming together by continually telling the singles they should find contentment in singlehood. Yes, that’s practical advice for the time one is single, but it still feels like the church discourages people from meeting each other there, which is pobably why singles ministries often consists mostly of women. If there’s any place black people should feel they can meet someone of substance, it should be the church. But I’ve never known anyone who met their mate at church, and that’s a shame. I’m not sure God intended it that way.
    - Katrina A.
      
      I completely agree FROMUR2UB. The church gives singles the side eye when they date each other. They probably assume all singles are having sex, which is where those judgmental looks come from.
      
      There were many a sermon about how to remain single and content and speculations about how God intended marriage to be but in the end, I was fed up hearing it. Nothing irritates me more than hearing people harp on the cause of an issue with no realistic solutions. Any solutions stated are completely theoretical and are unlikely to be implemented. As the saying goes, you can’t change a man and you definitely can’t change the church either. Look for solutions elsewhere
Zc7463

Here we go again with that fallacy about dating outside your race, and everything will be so great. Please get a life, and stop living in a fantasy. There is NO such thing as a Mr. Right. No one man is perfect, nope not one. Just deal with life and let it be. Because all we have is hope. Just let it be, and nine times outta ten things will be fine.
- Nicegirl
  
  The author didnt say that Mr. Right was perfect. Actually your comment, ” There is NO such thing as a Mr. Right. No one man is perfect, nope not one,” is quite blah blah blah. Everyone knows that no one is perfect so why mention it?? And just let what be? What’s wrong with giving people suggestions…just because it may not be the direction you want to take doesnt mean it shouldnt be taken by others.
  - Zc7463
    
    That’a what author implied, and I mentioned it because I can, lol. Put that in your pipe and smoke it!!!
- Love_Sexy
  
  Yes I agree…Always believed there is no such thing as a Mr. Right after all no one is perfect (we know this)….We all come with flaws so therefore its not really the right term to use…..I think seeking a man that is compatible is what one seek to have……….Again JMO!
Jessica Williams

that depends on whose standards you are measuring “mister right” by. if yours, you wait as long as you choose to, if by someone elses, you’ll be waiting forever.
IllyPhilly

Oh, I was suppose to be waiting for him? Maybe I’ll find him while out with Mr. Right Now.
- Jessica Williams
  
  girl, you crazy lol!!
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100003085266535 Courtney Small

Hey I understand that a woman wants a man. But if you’re sitting at home all sad because you’ve hit a certain age without finding someone, then that’s pathetic. There are so many ways a woman or anyone in general can find fulfillment in their life. Don’t get me wrong nothing wrong with mister right. But after a certain time, you have to just say “eff it” and do you, there’s a million things that a person can do with their life, to fill that void, and who knows, you may just find a partner that way,
- Katrina A.
  
  I hope that no one is staying at home crying every night because they’re single. But I believe most single women are out having fun with friends, vacationing, learning new things, getting another degree, all while trying to replace the emptiness of single-hood in their life. The fact of the matter is that there’s no amount of vacations you can take that will make you forget you’re still going home alone. I just wish people wouldn’t assume that if you’re single and wishing for a husband, you must be holed up in your house all the time.
  - http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100003085266535 Courtney Small
    
    there are some who do, those are the ones I was referring too. of course not all are like that,
Willie Herrod

I really like this article because she have some valid points here. People do change as they get older in they start to look for different things than they did when they where 21 yrs old. I think just socializing with people in just letting things happen on it’s on is the way to go, but you also have to put yourself in them scenes where you can meet the one for you. Because you never know where you might meet the one, so be open in just enjoy life. What is the saying when you are not looking that is when the man will find you, but don’t wait on. I think people put too much emphasis on finding the one instead of just enjoying dating and life itself.
- brian k
  
  I understand what you are saying, but I don’t necessarily agree. The article says black women are criticised for having too high standards. I don’t think that is true. The problem is too many young women pass up good serious men for the ‘fun’ guy. These men don’t change even if they get married but the women do, so whilst a 30 year old man can grab a serious 24 year old to get married, a 30 year old woman who is looking for a good 34 year old man to look up to and take leadership will wait for a long time because most eligible, straight law abidding black men are not single/childless/never married at 34 year old .
  - Hmmmm
    
    With all do respect this is a narrow assessment and not true in 2011/2012.
    
    im single. black. educated. employed. childless. and straight as an arrow….ALL by choice. i just made decisions not to be a father (wrap it up, b) or a husband (refuse to marry because it “is time”). in fact in 2011/2012 there are plenty of men and women who have firm grasp on the horns of their lives who have made these choices. follks like this tend not to be hopeless romantics, courageous about their relationship/sexual desires, tend to be attractive and have plenty of choices and unlike others have no fear of the tick-tick that has folks wondering about time and special “ones” no one promised they would have. its 2011.2012. the traditional is not the only option any more. call it 40 years of progress. sitting on the sidelines waiting to be picked like grandma them went out with arranged marriages and one-bread-winner households. gotta change/step up your game ladies and gents.
    
    i agree with you to a degree on the fun/bad/exciting part but it seems like you are projecting your traditional relationship views on the rest of it.
    - http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=551680935 Eric McDaniel
      
      I’m glad you said it first. I’m the same way and I didn’t get married until I was 35 and I had my first child when I was 36. It was funny how women would come at me like there was something wrong with me because I was in my 30′s without any kids. Hey, I was just a dedicated rubber wearer. Plus some women expect a black man to be everything they are not. They aren’t financial or emotionally stable most times. While I had my quirks I wouldn’t discount dating them and their quirks but boy would they be judgmental. Like me having no kids at 32 was a problem but them having 2 or 3 kids by a couple of different guys that they weren’t married to was A-OKAY. GTFOHWTBS.
      - brian k
        
        A) I said MOST not ALL.
        B) I didn’t say it was a bad thing to not have kids by the time you are 34. I merely wanted to say that most women looking for eligible men in their 30s cannot have a clean slate. If there were more good men like you brothers then we wouldn’t be having this discussion and the women wouldn’t have the same excuses as they usually trot out.
    - Katrina A.
      
      Yes, there are people out there who remain single by choice. However, these people are in the minority…the minuscule minority. Most women become single “by choice” because they’ve tried dating and have been hurt so much that they’d rather not go through it again. That desire of being loved and having a family is still there but they’ve chosen to ignore it so that they don’t have to go through the excruciating pains of life again.
      
      I don’t think the problem with black women is that their standards are too high. I think it’s just a matter of supply and demand, and what men consider desirable. I’m not saying women have to fit the commercial ideal of beauty (long hair, light eyes, slim, petite) but it does play a part. Every woman should do what she can to play up her best assets because if a man isn’t intrigued by what he sees from the outside, he’ll never take the time to see what’s on the inside. That’s the cold, hard truth. Most people tend to date within their race but don’t assume that a guy couldn’t be interested because he’s not black. And don’t assume you couldn’t be attracted to him either. Learn to mingle with those outside your usual social circles. Give every guy at least one date before you write him off.
      - Guest
        
        Black people, really all people had no problem marrying each other in the past. The problem is society and people’s values have changed. The decline in marriage is not because black men don’t find black women attractive. It’s because black men and women are having trouble relating to each other. Men and women are having this problem in america at large, but it seems to be worse among blacks. Women don’t know how to treat men and men don’t know how to treat women. Many women want to get married yet they waste the best years of their lives in uncommitted relationships with unworthy men, only to become bitter and claim that all men are bad. Many seem to have self-esteem problems that cause a pattern of repeated relationship failures. The bitterness, insecurity and low self-esteem cannot be hidden behind a college diploma or pretty face. Black men and women both need to work on being healthy and looking for the right qualities so that they can be successful in relationships.
        
        Love_Sexy
        
        You make a good point regarding the changes in society and by far the best comments on this topic…..Its problems across the board….The changes has affected relationships not only with black people but also whites….I have had many WW express the problems with finding a good quality man…..They are suffering to a certain extend but not as hard as BW…..And I was trying to make the same point (in a previous comment) you made about focusing on yourself whether its personal or professional goals…..First and foremost its definitely important to have your inner self together…..You want to be in the right state of mind when someone enters your life that meet your standards…You have to stick by those standards……No matter who you choose to love whether its in/outside of your race its an important factor….Yes, place yourself out there and meet people but don’t let it consume your life 24/7 like some people do,,,,,I have seen this happen and its not healthy….You have to find a balance……You never know where you may meet a person who is right for you, it could be a trip to the store, traveling somewhere or at a friends party………….Enjoy life first and love yourself ……I am not saying its easy nothing is when you are desiring something good in life…….Meeting someone usually happen when not expected……Again, in the end God will let it happen when he is ready for it to happen.
      - Guess
        
        Couldnt agree more. Supply and demand seems to be one of the core issues.
        
        STRAIGHANDNARROW04
        
        that’s is so true what you have said about it being something that affects not just one race, but all…I have sooo many friends of many different backgrounds and races that say the same thing…the problem is just as was foretold in the Bible that in the last days the love of the greater number (of people) will cool off…people just don’t have real genuine love within them, so it will be next to impossible for them to genuinely love someone else
    - FromUR2UB
      
      It’s admirable that you haven’t made some woman or child miserable by marrying or having children before you were ready. The down side of that is, if you wait until you’re in your late 30s or 40s to marry, you likely won’t be available to women of that age group, because when you decide to have children, naturally you’ll choose a woman who is young enough to bear healthy children. Good for the younger woman because she will have met you after you’ve matured and become ready to settle down. Bad for the older women because men her age are often seeking younger women. If she wants a man close to her age, whose children are grown or near adulthood, she’ll have to go several years older than she is. That’s not a bad thing, it’s just that men in their 50s sometimes have to begin a Viagra or Cialis regimen. Not so easy to be spontaneous, but it can work out.
- Love_Sexy
  
  Exactly!
Getit!

“The only thing harder than waiting on God is not waiting on God.” -Dr. Charles Stanley. Trust him. Hope against hope. If you could see the answer why would you need hope in the first place. Call those things that be not as though they were. Don’t look to your circumstances, look to the one who knows all. “The Lord will perfect that which concerns me, thy mercy O Lord endures forever. Forsake not the works of your own hands. Ps 138:8″
- Guest
  
  Yes thats good and dandy but what if you have been waiting on God for 9 years to do it? idk maybe God hates me and wants me to be single and childless or to settle with a man who wants me but i dont want him.
  - Jessica Williams
    
    you know God does not hate you, and he does not want to see you unhappy and use the “i’ still waiting on God” excuse, because that would mean that he is the cause of your unhappiness and we all know that is not so. if you know what you want in a mate, and you take things slow by talking and actually getting to know one another, and not always counting on the physical to be the deal maker, you’ll be fine. it’s about what you want for your own life.
  - GUES
    
    One has to ask, have you truly been waiting or have you been trying your own plans and failing miserably? Sorry, but it sounds like you’re a little bitter.
  - Katrina A.
    
    I’m sorry that you feel that way. When you’re taught that you’ll be blessed if you’re faithful, righteous, patient, etc., it’s only natural that you’ll feel God hates you when your life is still lacking. Religion makes you feel like you must be doing something wrong if you haven’t received your “manifestation” and that’s what upsets me. The fact is that church is filled with many faithful, righteous, patient, and SINGLE women just like yourself. Many of them will spend the rest of their lives single and unhappy unless they make the decision to take dating in their own hands by putting themselves in a position to meet single men. That could mean joining a dating site, going to more social events, or just plain learning how to strike up a conversation with a stranger on a regular basis. Make it your second job to make more social contacts with men. You’ll meet some jerks so you’ll need to develop a tough skin until you meet the one that’s right for you. I’m not painting the rosiest picture but success requires hard work even when it comes to finding Mr. Right.
    
    That sounds a lot more constructive than “pray until the right one comes along” and it’s a hell of a lot better than believing that an almighty being has damned you to misery for the rest of your life
- http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100003085266535 Courtney Small
  
  but remember god isn’t a matchmaker. In the bible plenty of god’s people were and stayed single. Heck Jesus was single, he would have made the PERFECT man but he wasn’t sad nor lonely. Because he was too busy bringing praise to his father.
  - Hot_andspicy
    
    it doesn’t get any realer than what you just said….i feel like there needs to be a whole post, heck ,sermon, what you just said. i salute you!
    - Misheila
      
      Yeah Courtney! I feel you, Jesus and so many others “were and stayed single” but for the rest of us who desire a christian life companion, lover and best friend, why can’t we also have that and still bring praise to the father? Why are single people made to seem so “horrible” because they desire a mate?
      
      You see, that is what’s wrong in the church we always like to undermine other people’s needs and experiences because we are NOT going through the same. Like Job when you feel like your life had lined up with God’s word and you have tried to serve God and others, nothing is wrong with asking questions when things happen or in this case, doesn’t happen and it’s not necessarily from a bitter place!
  - Grace
    
    Well, there you have it folks. Jesus was single (as far as we know) but he was neither sad nor lonely so why are you? Let the church say Amen. SMDH…
  - FromUR2UB
    
    If Jesus was born so that God the Father could feel what humans feel, then there were likely times when he felt loneliness. If he had married, his wife would have had to deal with a man who was always on call. That would have been the human side of it. Also, the people who remained single were eunuchs…usually men who were physically unable to reproduce. It was their lot in life, but probably not their desire.
    - http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100003085266535 Courtney Small
      
      There were plenty of single people, weren’t his apostles single?
MIA

Well I trust in God and know that he has a WONDERFUL plan for my life. Right now I am focused on myself and getting myself prepared when I meet the right guy. Sure its sucks to be alone during holidays but I’d rather it be that way than to settle for the first thing that comes along like so many people that I know have.
- Guess
  
  I think too many women who want to marry deal with men who are not marriage material and/or who dont want to get married. There shouldnt be an “in-the-mean-time’ guy. If you want to marry, date men who have the same goal of marriage. I will be honest, for me, I did not block my blessings by dating men I knew weren’t on the same page as me concerning work ethics and future goals, including marriage. Too many women ask God for a good man then date Pookie in the mean time. No. Chill, trust in God. His plan is better than what society says is ok / the “norm”. And you never know, God’s Mr. Right may be of a different race. Years before I married God made me aware of my future husband’s name. I am now married to that man and he is of a different race.
  - MissK
    
    lol “date Pookie”…
  - MIA
    
    “There shouldnt be an “in-the-mean-time’ guy.”
    
    (Stands up an applauds) I have tried this technique and met with disaster every time! Dating Mr. Meantime is nothing but a waste of time and an exercise in frustration! lol
  - Guest
    
    Correct. If you waste time dating losers in the mean time you won’t be available for the good guy. And please don’t waste time chasing emotionally unavailable men. It NEVER works. You can’t make a guy love you, and sitting around hoping that he will one day appreciate you will just cause you to waste valuable time. You have to put yourself in the right position to meet the right guy. This may include being more friendly and simply smiling more. Let men feel needed and let them know that they are appreciated. It goes a long way. Nobody wants to deal with constant sarcasm and attitude.
    - Love_Sexy
      
      Yep…so true
  - Love_Sexy
    
    Again….Amen sister!
- Allen_felicia2005
  
  I luv ur reply mia key word “Wait on God”.
- Love_Sexy
  
  Amen sister!
Mrsindependent

When u say start taking control what does that mean? Date outside ur race or start asking men out or asking them to marry you? I’m sure everyone has a mental time frame, its whatever works for you. For me I date black folks only, it has to do with my African roots. I bond better with black men. I like African, African American, and a selected men from the Caribbean islands, so I have options. I’m worried about not being married by 35. 35 because childbirth after 35 is a high- risk pregnancy. The child can have complications with some pregnancies. I want a big family. It’s taking me long to find Mr right because I plan to marry one time like my mom, I don’t want a divorce and I want a good man to have children with.
- Gmarie
  
  I think she means putting yourself in better positioning to meet men rather than letting things happen “naturally” ie: going to singles events, signing up with e harmony, hanging out at sports bars (even though you hate sports) etc. Basically making it happen for yourself instead of waiting
http://www.facebook.com/people/So-Infamous/1501869146 So Infamous

At this point I’ll be waiting forever
- Hmmmmmm
  
  You dont have too wait….

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