Ask a Very Smart Brotha: My Best Friend is Dating a Married Man

December 22nd, 2011 - By madamenoire

"woman consoling friend"

Dear Champ,

When I was in college, I met and then became best friends with a very smart, pretty, down-to-earth young woman. Everything about her was fun and bright; except for the abusive relationship that she was in with her lowlife, longtime boyfriend. Throughout the years, my friend tried very hard to stay positive and hide her unhappiness. She was successful for the most part, but she couldn’t hide all of her bruises, black eyes or the broken arm he gave her as a Christmas gift in our senior year. The routine of her getting beaten up and then weeks or sometimes just mere days later making up with the guy, confused and angered me and our other close friends. About a year after we graduated, she and the guy moved in together and shortly after, she became pregnant. She was so happy to be pregnant and I wanted to be happy for her, but all things considered, I was actually upset because I was sad and scared for her and the baby. We got in a huge fight because of my lack of support. She (not so nicely) asked me to stay out of her life. I complied. A year went by before she contacted me. When she did I learned that she miscarried at four months after a particularly brutal fight with the lowlife…We cried about it, rekindled our friendship and she told me that his causing her to lose their child finally gave her the urgent motivation to move on.

My friend had been single since the incident. She was very introverted and somber all the time…Given everything she’s been through, I completely understood, but I didn’t want her moping around forever. Sso I encouraged her to fix herself up, go out, and live. She did. She met an actor who stars on a popular TV series–a very MARRIED actor with kids! She confided that they’ve been having unprotected sex…

I feel like she’ll only end up being hurt again. Maybe not physically, but definitely emotionally. He is the first man that my friend has been with since coming out of her shell, so to speak. She is so happy and giddy and I am ecstatic about that aspect because I hadn’t seen her smile in so long that I damn near thought she forgot how. I really don’t want to steal her joy and I don’t want to tell her what’s on my mind and get into another big fight with her, but biting my tongue is beginning to hurt. I find myself distancing myself from her and I hate this. So, I ask you, what should I do? Do I speak up? Will it cause a fight? Should I just mind my business and be a supportive friend?

-Sincerely, Walking On Eggshells.

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  • FromUR2UB

    You usually can’t tell a woman anything about a man she’s into, until after the relationship has ended.  She’s not ready to hear it until then.  I’d just hope she wouldn’t be devastated by the inevitable, but try to be supportive when it happened.  The only exception I could see if it was one of my daughters; then, I’d definitely say something.  But anyone else, I don’t think it would be worth it.

  • Fainegal22

    some women are just good in attracting the wrong type of guys and you as a friend can do nothing about that. she has to realize that first and want to change for the better for the right man to come.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000659702398 Jordan Milner

    This girl is an idiot.  She is broken and sometimes being a friend is not enough to fix a broken person.  Until she finds out who she is, her worth and what she will allow into her life, she will continue to make the same foolish mistakes.  Talk to her once, then keep your distance.  Being ‘happy’ for her only tells her that you condone her ‘relationship’.  She is in for a hard fall.  When she does, and she will, she will come running back to cry on your shoulder like she did before.  She needs professional help.

  • Nina

    I had a girlfriend like the first story. The more I tried to help her and tell her she needed to leave his alone, the more she distanced herself from me. My final straw was when the hubby had his wife beat her up!!! He actually arranged it!!!! Can you believe she stayed?!?! I was done then. All 3 now have an incurable STD.

  • Lyndon

    The sad truth is some ppl like drug addicts and too far gone to help. Pray for them and walk away. It’s not worth your devotion to a person that does not feel the same for themselves. Move on. Move on.

    I once heard a woman tell her friend who was in an abusive relationship, “I’m not going to be the friend that holds the towel over your eye.”

    I say that to say, you can be friend from a distance. And walk away kindly

  • Kay38

    Been there. Done that! Tell her how her being in this relationship & her destructive behaviors are affecting your friendship, her already low self-esteem, & eventually this other family. Let her know you don’t agree with what she is doing. You are doing the correct thing by distancing yourself. Eventually, it’s gonna ALL come crashing down…AGAIN! You can only be there for a person so much before their behaviors affect you emotionally. So you have to decide HER or ME?

  • TraceFace

    She’s not going to listen.  Detach yourself emotionally and go look for better friends.  It’s not worth the energy trying to save people who don’t want to be saved.  Just drains you from being able to do what you need to do in life. 

  • Msgonzo10

    I agree that speaking the truth is the best course as long walking on eggshells understands that 1) it  won’t change anything (because you’re not going to tell her anything she doesn’t already know but just hasn’t accepted yet) and 2) you will likely lose the relationship as she reacts to her friend being “unsupportive” by speaking her mind but I agree with the champ 1000% – I’d rather say what’s on my mind and have my conscience be clear than stay silent and kick myself for not speaking up.

  • http://westillexist.com/ Amaur Jones

    The best of friends will always tell you what you need to hear, not what you want to hear. Showing love in this manner means to be real and nothing but real, especially when something clearly ain’t right. Always to be done with respect, of course.

  • Jus Sayin’

    If he is married – i would not exactly call it dating – something more like her living in a fantasy and him getting “extra draws”

  • MM82

    The friend appears to be very weak minded. If it’s not the married man, it will be some other abusive mate.  She is following a pattern. She showed her true colors when she stopped talking to you for over a year because you told her something that was right.  This goes to show the type of woman she is.  If I was the friend I would distance myself from her.  She brings a negative aura and it will eventually began to effect the friend.

  • jaclynsd

    I agree w/TC. But this isnt about her but the friend and she needs to realize this girl has some serious problems that only A LOT of therapy and a big self evaluation can help. The friend unfortunately cried w/her and supported her through an abusive relationship, so I feel in some way encouraged her to be a victim and a martyr. She’s a grown woman and made very very bad choices and is continuing to do so and why her friend wants to continue the friendship is beyond me! But maybe she’s just being a good friend, or loves drama or being some sort of hero. Look let me stop and say this that a Very Smart Brother is right confront her and then if she continues on her same path move on and pray for her…cause ah she’s going to need it.

    • 123

      “The friend unfortunately cried w/her and supported her through an abusive relationship, so I feel in some way encouraged her to be a victim and a martyr.”

      This is completely unfair. When a woman is in an abusive relationship and refuses to leave, the ONLY THING a friend can do is simply be there for her. I went through this myself. I was in an emotionally-abusive-about-to-become-physically-abusive relationship with a crazy man and we fought all the time. My best friend encouraged me to leave because it was obvious that it wasn’t a healthy relationship. I would break up with Crazy, then get right back with him. My friend eventually got tired of hearing about it and told me not to stop contacting her when I needed a ride to leave his house (I didn’t have a car and needed her help to leave). When I actually WAS ready to leave him, I didn’t go to her because of what she had told me. Luckily, I had a friend who was willing to help and she came by, we packed all my stuff into her car and I never came back. What would have happened if I didn’t have a friend that was there for me? I could have gotten pulled back into that bad relationship with a manipulator. 

      The only person in my life who made me a victim was me.

  • Mrsindependent

    Yeah I agree with your advice. Actually I’m really worried, when the married guy gets tired of her and dumps her she’ll become depressed to the point of possibly commit suicide.

  • TC

    You can give her all the advice you want to give but she is not going to listen until she is ready. I have seen it happen time and time again. That married man is going to string her along and use her like a toy and when he gets tired of playing with his toy or gets a new one she will be forgotten. 

    • Jen

      I agree. Couldn’t had send it better.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Madelaine-Livingston/100003241468475 Madelaine Livingston

    my best
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  • HONEY LOVE

    Oooooo chile….is it Pooch Hall? (aka Derwin Davis of The Game)

    • Freebee33

      Why was I thinking him also? I surely hope not smh.

    • kma81

      I thought the same thing!

    • Sugar_Spice

      That was the very first person I thought of too!!

    • Savvy

      Wow…he was definitely the first dude who came to my head as well