The Problem with the Word Homewrecker

December 19th, 2011 - By Brande Victorian

Homewrecker is a word that’s going to be thrown around more and more as the Kobe-Vanessa saga unravels itself and rumors of who Kobe was sleeping with continue to surface. But it’s a word I’ve had a problem with long before the baller’s extramarital affairs became a hot topic because it’s rooted in myths about men and women’s sexually and most times allows the person who’s really at fault to get off the hook.

Have you ever noticed that a man who sleeps with a married woman is never called a homewrecker? It’s a term reserved specifically for either crazy stalker women or women who sleep with married men, or some combination of the two. For men, this is a convenient excuse that falls in line with the already-tainted assumption that men can’t control their sexual urges and have to do what’s “natural.” Therefore if some “homewrecker” comes along with a tempting figure and a down-for-anything mentally, it’s almost as if he had no control over the situation and was completely hopeless against the temptress’s feminine wiles.

Interestingly, when a woman cheats on her husband, she is still the one who has to bear all of the responsibility for risking her marriage and her family for some on the side. Where’s her homewrecker lifeline?

When it comes to a cheating husband, often more anger and frustration is directed at the “homewrecker” than the person who violated the commitment which is cool for the guy but is misguided anger that women need to redirect. It’s easy to blame a short-skirt-wearing, cleavage-showing temptress for the reason your relationship/marriage is falling apart rather than accept that your partner willingly cheated. But you’re in denial if you do. Tempting a man is not the same as forcing him to have sex, he chose to do so, and he had the option to say no if he wanted to, no matter how good the forbidden fruit looked to him. What this woman allowed to happen, or even possibly set in motion, is absolutely wrong, but not more wrong than the man who made a commitment to be a faithful partner. If you’re looking for the homewrecker, he’s it.

What’s evident in the use of the homewrecker term is the double standard placed on women’s sexuality. Women who are mistresses and women who cheat on their partners are both held to a higher standard than men who commit the same acts. Neither is right, but as women we can stop letting misplaced disappointment keep us in the same negative relationships with men and hinder us from building positive relationships with women, in fear that they might tempt our partner and he may stray.  No one can wreck your home unless you allow them to, and the person who leaves that window of opportunity open is the one who needs to accept blame when it all falls down.

Do you think the term homewrecker is accurate when applied to mistresses? Do you think men are ever considered homewreckers?

Brande Victorian is a blogger and culture writer in New York City. Follower her on Twitter at @be_vic.

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  • Veratta Pegram-Floyd

    When I hear the word “homewreaker” I think of it quite literally. In order for a home to be “wreaked” it had to have the following to begin with:
    *A stable foundation with mutual admiration, mutual current and future goals, and respect
    *A “home” as in an actual commitment where both individuals have agreed to be mutually exclusive.

    From the examples I have seen in the media and around me when homes have been wreaked, they were seriously lacking in at least one of the two mentioned above. Additionally, there has been too much emphasis on “the other woman” for wreaking the home. Often times, the other woman was just a pawn in the game as well. Our thinking needs to change in regards to the other woman(s), the other men(s) etc, especially if they did not previously know the victim of the cheating and did not have a previous relationship with that individual.

  • FromUR2UB

    What else should a woman who KNOWINGLY dates a married man be called? Some may not want him to leave his wife, but many hope he will.  Isn’t that an attempt to homewreck? Just because anger is directed at the woman doesn’t mean no one blames the man.  All of the burden of fault doesn’t belong to the woman, but she definitely shares some blame.   Some of them think men only cheat because their wives aren’t being good wives.  Is that their business?!  Neither she nor the cheating man are innocent, so why defend either of them?  She is no less to blame than the cheating man, because she chose to interfere in his marriage by providing him a sexual option. 

    • MIA

      You say that the woman and man equally share in blame, yet you pointedly go after the woman while being very minimalistic with the MARRIED man. No other woman can wreck a marriage because the marriage isn’t hers to wreck. It’s the person who is married that has that power. No other woman can interfere with a marriage without being “invited” in. You also say that most OW think that MM cheat because their wife is horrible, well who do you think gives the OW that impression? Most affairs are with men who are masters of manipulation and these OW are just as much a victim as the wife, because they are usually being fed lies, are strung along, used, and served the worst kind of “meal”, a meal called “hope”….. When the poo-poo hits the fan (as it always does) the OW is discarded like yesterdays news papers.

      Like another poster said, do not expect a person to respect your marriage if your spouse doesn’t. The OW should not indulge in an affair because it only ends badly for her, but she doesn’t owe the MM and his spouse anything. Protecting his family is HIS job.

      • FromUR2UB

        If the OW is being victimized, then she’s a willing victim.  She KNOWS this man lies to his wife.  You’d think that a woman, who ever hopes to be a wife, would consider how it would feel for some woman out there to think that she doesn’t owe any respect for her marriage.  Men can always find women willing to cheat with them.  If it weren’t so easy, they might be motivated to work harder on their relationships at home.  But, maybe that’s the problem: some OWs have never been a wife, and don’t expect to ever become one.

        You’re right, maybe the guy just lucked up on TWO gullible women.  But the wife may be trying to hold together the life she has built with him.  Maybe she has invested enough years in the marriage, that she’s not going to give up without a fight.  Even if the love is gone, there could be financial benefits lasting the rest of her life, that she’s not going to walk away from, because she has earned them. What’s the OW in it for?

        • MIA

          You made some really interesting points. I can only speak from experience as a reformed O/W. I didn’t except anything from my exMM, it was HIM that made the promises and broached the subject of leaving his wife, I never asked him to because I knew I was getting the best part of him. At the end of the day it was him that brought me into their marriage, which makes him the home wrecker.

            Addressing another point you made:
          To be very honest I didn’t think of his wife, you get so caught up in the lies and deceit that the wife suddenly doesn’t exist anymore, it was only until she did contact me, and I heard her voice and she shared things about MM that I didn’t know (like the fact the he lied about the number of children he had, his THIRD being born a couple weeks before I aborted our child), that I knew I had to remove myself from the situation and do some thorough self examination to prevent myself from falling into another destructive relationship. I apologized to her, turned over emails and she in turn, turned on me, kept her husband and harassed me until I had to get the police involved. Its true these wives may have valid reasons for sticking to these men, but at the end of the day is a lifestyle worth having a man in your life that is untrustworthy and will blatantly disrespect you?

          I also like the point where you said a MM can always find a woman to have sex with. That is the exact reason why HE is the home wrecker, the O/W could be anyone and have zero designs on breaking apart his marriage.

          • FromUR2UB

            No, it isn’t worth it.  Regardless of any financial benefit, letting someone treat you poorly will drain any self-worth you have.  I understand why older generations of women stayed with men who cheated on them, but there should be no reason for a younger woman to do it today.  Every woman should have her own money and resources, so that she can leave a situation where she doesn’t feel valued.  That may sound like a philosophy that marriage is disposable, but self-preservation has to come into play somewhere.  I’m glad you finally thought enough of yourself, to get out of that relationship.  That’s really where the manipulation from the man comes in: his knowing that you desperately desire to be loved, so he takes advantage of that, offering you only a piece of himself.  Even if a woman never considers the feelings of a wife, if she can get strong enough to decide that a secret relationship is not good enough, that never being able to see him when she wants or needs to is not good enough, that living on the outside of his life is not good enough, then that will help her to avoid those relationships.  He might cheat with someone, but at least it won’t be with you.  And if you don’t do that to another woman, if you do marry and your husband happens to cheat on you anyway, at least you won’t feel like you had it coming.

            • MIA

              Thank you much and I agree with you. At the end its all about self and knowing what you deserve, which is respect and happiness.
              Even though I let him go I still felt as if I was losing something and that the wife had won. (strange I know) but in the end I realized that I had won, I won back myself and my self worth and I will never ever give that away again. I know that I have a chance to find something real as far as mates go, while they are both stuck in dysfunction. Even though the wife has done some pretty ghetto, ridiculous, shady, childish things to me, I had to find it in my heart to forgive her, knowing that she is still a victim of his manipulation. I pray for her.

              It was really nice chatting with you. Hope you have a wonderful new year!

              • FromUR2UB

                Well, the wife deserved to win her man, if that’s what she wanted, and you deserve to win a good man of your own. 

                You have a happy 2012!

                • MIA

                  I actually think the same should be said for her because he will never be her own. He is a classified cakeman and will always have another woman in their mix. She has won NOTHING, because these men are not prizes! lol

                  Thanks for the well wishes!

                  • FromUR2UB

                    But, Mia, you used the word “won”, as though he were a prize.  Look, this is about respecting the institution of marriage.  It shouldn’t matter to you what kind of husband he is to her, or what kind of wife she is to him.  She is the woman he chose for his wife, so he is HER man, whether he acts like it or not.  That’s not to say that people are property like cars or other inanimate objects, but just like children belong to their parents, husbands and wives BELONG to their spouses.  Marriage is a bond that is honored by laws around the world, and every religion I can think of.  As long as you rationalize it any other way, you will be headed for trouble, and will be setting yourself up to be used by other men.  You know a man is a dog, when he disrespects his wife by lying to her to see you or other woman.  If the man was so unhappy with his wife,then he should have taken care of business by ending the marriage BEFORE he started seeing you.  That was the solution: get out of it.  Then he would have been free to become involved with you.  But selfish people don’t do it that way.  Instead, he wanted a woman at home to do what she does, and a woman somewhere else, to do what she does, without his having to sacrifice anything to have it that way.  Now, even if he had left his wife to be with you, you would not have been able to trust him.  Every time he was late coming home, says he was working late, at his mother’s house, or hanging out with his friends, you would think he was with another woman.  Every time he says he’s going to the store, you would recognize it as the excuse he gave his wife to get out of the house.  Every time he storms out after an argument, you’d remember that as the tactic he used so he could stay out all night with you.  A relationship founded on cheating will be a weak one.  If it’s his nature to cheat, which probably is, then he will eventually repeat that behavior with anyone, because IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE WOMAN, it’s about him.  To believe otherwise, is being delusional.  Before a man marries, he’s fair game; after he’s marries, he is unavailable to you regardless of the health of his relationship with his wife.   You need to get that into your head.  If you don’t, you’ll repeat that relationship with another man.  You’ll never have your own man as long as you keep messing around with other women’s men.  What woman wants to be on the fringe of a man’s life…on the outside looking in?

                    If you’ve seen the movie, ’Ray’, watch it again.  Especially the scene, when OW Margie Hendricks began encroaching upon Ray Charles’ home life by calling his house.  He told her in no uncertain terms, where she stood in his life, then hung up on her.  She was under the impression that she had some RIGHTS to him, so that had to hit her like a slap in the face.  Pay attention, and stop excusing the OW’s responsibility for how she’s treated, by victimizing her.   Men will treat women as badly as they’re allowed.    

  • homie

    I would never want a married man, who wants to be made out of a fool??? Alicia fantasia ect
    didn’t steal anything—- they got NOTHING, just haven’t figured it out yet.  I realize things
    happen
    in life…. but to mess with a married man comes from low self esteem. I don’t want stale
    crumbs  from someone else’s husband.

  • Fallon

    I’ve shared my story here many times in the hopes of saving other women
    from making the same mistake. When I was a O/W the second time our
    affair was discovered when the wife made contact, married man threw me
    under the bus so fast and the wife stayed, she chose to hate me, and
    harassed me so bad I had to get a no contact order against her. The
    funny thing is I apologized and turned over several emails to her where
    he professed his undying love (yeah right), grieved over our aborted
    child, etc. As of this writing they are still together and a friend of
    mine reported that she has changed the name on her facebook to “Insert
    his name” wife! lol I guess denial is a pleasant place for her to live!
    lol

    I never felt like a hoe or a homewrecking because he was the only person
    I was sleeping with, and HE made the vows. I didn’t feel like what I
    was doing was wrong while I was doing it, but as I got wiser I realize
    that I was wrong just because I disrespected MYSELF and I obviously
    stopped trusting God and his plan for my life by making a conscious
    decision to settle for the crumbs of another person’s life.

    In the end being treated like a hoe and a homewrecker is not fun.

    The f-ing you get in the end is not worth the f-ing you get while your in it.

    • http://twitter.com/HighSadiddy1 Tricia Clark

      I don’t think all women that sleep with married men are evil. Some of them do it intently, where others don’t even know the man is married. But in sleeping with married men, you block yourself from being married to a man of your own!

      • MIA

        Not only that, the affairs themselves are abusive because you are abusing yourself and you are allowing another person to abuse you. The married person does not care about you, Hell they don’t even care about their spouse. The other person is just a tool to save the failing marriage. I had to fight for my life to get  away from that toxic couple because they used hating me as an energy force to save their marriage. Despite the no contact order the wife still tries little ways of contacting me, like using her mothers facebook to comment on things that I’ve written on other pages. Its all very sad and I only have myself to blame for getting involved…

        Everyone’s circumstances are different. Before I met MM I was in a 10 year marriage to man that was not only my husband but my best friend. He died suddenly, I was dealing with being a very young widow and a year later I met MM and he reminded me so much of hubby, he said all the right things, did all the right things and before I knew it I was involved. I tell this story so that people can see what “A home wrecking hoe” looks like. She isn’t always the vixen out to destroy a “happy” home. The majority of times she is a woman in pain being manipulated by a master. Its been 6 months since it all ended and I still have the scars, while MM is walking around footloose and fancy free because he got to keep everything. Sounds like he and people like him are the true home wreckers.

        • http://twitter.com/HighSadiddy1 Tricia Clark

          I see what you’re saying. A lot of the blame gets put on the woman, but it really should point back to the man or whatever party stepped out and deemed it necessary to cheat. The whole situation is messy!

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