Fool Me Twice? Could You Stay With Your Husband If He Cheated?

December 19, 2011  |  

Although I’m thousands of miles away from the States and haven’t seen a computer much at all in the past week, the most coincidental thing happened yesterday: I saw the video for the Twista song, “Overnight Celebrity,” for the first time in years. I was singing along, and even shook my head at the part where Kanye says, “Give you ice like Kobe’s wife…” A clever and memorable line, I could only think back to Kobe’s past cheating scandal, think of how far he had come, listen to the song, and remind myself that boy, had time passed…

Hours after hearing that song and finally gaining access to some wi-fi, I was somewhat saddened (and probably the last to know) that Kobe Bryant’s wife filed for divorce this past weekend. Guess all that “ice” couldn’t keep that relationship going, huh?

Years after shoving his young wife, Vanessa Bryant, into the spotlight after being accused of sexual assault from having relations with a random hotel employee, it’s a shame to hear (according to TMZ and Reuters) that the demise of their 10-year-old marriage could be the cause of more of Bryant’s infidelities. These infidelities allegedly include a number of affairs throughout their marriage (and some flirting with Sanaa Lathan) that came to a head with a most recent one Ms. Vanessa just couldn’t take. Yeah, it’s a shame indeed, but a surprise? Nah. The self-proclaimed “Black Mamba” certainly created a snake-ish track record for himself.

Let’s be honest, we all have seen enough “Basketball Wives” episodes and heard of enough sports star splits and divorces to know that athletes have a big issue with avoiding temptation and staying true to their wives (i.e., Shaq, Tiger, Tony Parker, etc). While Bryant’s infidelities were a bit of a surprise back in the day since he seemed to be the golden boy who wouldn’t get down like that, when you can get “it” damn near any and everywhere from whomever and you have a wealth of notoriety, when you think about it, there really wasn’t a reason to be shocked. But Vanessa stood by her man, received some fab jewelry for her loyalty (an eight-carat purple diamond), popped out another little one and kept her smile and designer bags on as the Lakers’ ultimate basketball wife. That is, until Friday, when she decided she had enough (reportedly after catching him cheating) and filed for divorce.

Hearing that he could have been having his cake, some pie, and cheesecake and eating it too after everything he put his wife through the first time around, I want to know: if you are married and you find out your man cheated on you, let’s just say once, could you take him back? Vanessa did, and that choice may have backfired on her because as reports say, he did it again, and again, and again…

Trust is integral to any relationship of course, and once it’s broken, it’s hard to get back and even harder to move forward. Speaking for myself, being the petty person I can sometimes be, even if I were to stay around, I don’t really know if I could actually mentally “move on” from being cheated on by my husband. Paranoia would probably always be looming in my head, and an outing with “the boys” would probably require multiple check-ins for some time. I have to say, it takes a really strong woman to stick around with a husband who cheated, but if you ask a few other women, some would rather use the word “crazy.”

While you might immediately say “Oh He** No!” to the idea of standing by a cheating man, and that once a cheater, always a cheater, we all know marriage is different (or should be at least), especially when you have children involved. While I would personally “like” to say that I would drop homeboy like a bad habit if I found out he cheated one time, I would also like to think that my marriage would deserve some more commitment and work. In my opinion, all men aren’t the same (unless you’re talking about men in the public eye) and a past mistake or decision doesn’t automatically mean that a brother can’t change, learn from the messes he makes and do better. But I wouldn’t assume he could do these things on his own, so for me, help would need to be sought through some marriage counseling, and good ‘ol prayer.

Therefore, if you ask me, I wouldn’t jump the gun and say that once a cheater, always a cheater, and say that it would be so easy for me to file papers and up and leave, especially if we had children together. Knowing all that, I don’t fault Vanessa for trying to work on her relationship, and I do give her props for that, but I also have to give her props for knowing when to let it go as well.

So, would you try and make things work if your husband confessed that he cheated on you? Or is it one and done for you?

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  • Basketball wives kind of exposed the world of the male Basketball players. You hear the stories of their extramarital affairs and you see the groupies that are just thirsty to replace the wife, but you also see the damage of “living the life”, does to a person. Basketball wives can relate to a lot of women, the only difference I see is the ball in the court!

  • april45

    I did.  But once you find out you can’t trust you don’t trust.  I enjoy my life now and don’t think if he is going to cheat again or whatever.  Sometimes I get paranoid, other times, I ask God to help me not think about that and enjoy my life, because after all it’s short.  Whether you should stay is totally up to the individual, but like the previous person stated you have to be very strong mentally or very stupid!! LOL

    • I agree that it takes a mentally strong person to stay. I would stay only because I think everybody deserves a second chance, no matter how bad they mess up. But then again once that trust is broken its hard to be fixed, but if you want it you’ll work at it.

  • Torontochick

    Yes, I’m like the court system, different rules for first-time offenders.

  • straightandnarrow04

    that’s what happens when people have no moral compass….when you truly love someone and not just yourself, you won’t continually do things to hurt them…

  • Blackbutterfly117

    As Chris Rock said, “A man is only as faithful as his options.” Sorry, but it’s true. My best friend works in sports and as I understand, infidelity is just a part of the culture of professional sports. Anyone who thinks otherwise is naive.

    • I don’t think it’s just professional sports, its men in general. Even though they are commited, some men just like to “please themselves”, no matter what the consequences may be. 

  • Semy

    all i can say: money can buy everything. these women who were cheated stay because of the money…they sell their souls and have no self-respect

    • I disagree, if you love somebody, you love them, that’s just it. There are some women that love the money, but not all of them are like that. If they smart they have their own hustle. 

  • Ms. Jay

    After almost 23 years of marriage, I gave my now “ex-husband” his walking papers.  I caught him cheating a 2nd time with a married woman who happens to be the mother of 4 kids.   I refused to give my ex-husband “permission” to continue disrespecting me and dishonoring our daughter.   I believe that his constant lies and deception are symptoms of some “deeper, darker” issues within himself.  He needs to seek professional counseling — I wish him God’s Speed in building a new life filled with honesty, trust and self-respect.

  • Melefiscent

    I just couldn’t do it.The pure inner embarrasment of it all, I would  see it as “you didn’t want me” ,”I wasn’t enough for you” if I’m in a realationship with someone and cheating occured thats all I need to get out immediately no “workin on it” that person obviously didn’t want me. When I see stories about cheating all I can think about is where is the self respect how could you stay with someone who disrespected your relationship the worst possible way?…..Mybe I’m self obsorbed I don’t know but to each its own….

    • Love_Sexy

      True…I guess that is the way I see it as well.

  • Mrsindependent

    No, I won’t stay with him. You took a vow before God and disobeyed God. So I will forgive u but I want nothing to do with you. God said respect the man of the house. U loose my respect when u cheat or dishonest. God wants his children to be happy and will never encourage them to be in unhappy environments. Forgive and move on, if they are kids involve maintain civility for the kids.

  • Marriage is about commitment, for better or worse isn’t it? Divorce shouldn’t be an option. You commited to the guy, you stick to it, no matter what. Lok at women like Hilary Clinton or Anne Sinclair (DSK’s wife)

    • nappyandhappy

      if it were just that simple that would be wonderful,but if a dude is cheating who is to say he is cheating with a condom. He may have kids my another woman, or the big HIV.  naw trust is the first thing you need in a marriage if there is no trust then its a wrap. God didnt know about AIDS when they wrote the bible. 

    • THarris

      And when the last time you’ve seen Hilary with a genuine smile that didn’t looked screwed on? Chile please. SMH

    • Oneboobee

      Well I am sorry you feel that way. I stuck with my husband because I believed in my marriage, but he cheated and cheated and cheated, even caught a disease and still cheated some more. I finally let him have a free playground since he did not want to stay in his own anyways.

  • Love_Sexy

    Me personally (and I know how I am) I would walk away because I do not believe I would be able to trust nor feel the same way about the person again……Everybody is different therefore a person would have to assess their own situation and relationship…..Only the individual know if its worth investing in emotionally, mentally, spiritually etc…….I would not tell them to leave the person just because I left my husband/boyfriend for cheating….It would have to be up to them what would be in their best interest and determine if the relationship/marriage is worth saving.

  • Toicoolj

    You lose them how you get them. It might have tooken 10years to come back on her but it did. Let’s not forget Kobe was in a relationship when he starting dating Vanessa.