Source: SDI Productions / Getty
I had a brief phase in which I kept winding up with controlling men. I dated one for nine months in a serious way, introducing him to my family, meeting his family, and going on several trips with him. His controlling tendencies became frightening. I’m pretty happy-go-lucky, social, and friendly – traits that bothered him to no end as he saw me as flirtatious with others and emotionally unfaithful just for having male friends or even just talking to other men. So I stopped hanging out with male friends if he wasn’t present. And then, I stopped hanging out with them at all. Then I stopped going out with female friends, because my going to bars made him uncomfortable. I started turning down jobs – great opportunities – that would require me to work in a close capacity with other men. Slowly but surely, my world became smaller, just to appease him. And it became clear that I couldn’t get small enough for him: his control issues were eating me alive. It was hard to get out of that relationship, as controlling men don’t just let you leave. I blocked him on every front, and he’d just get new phone numbers to call me from. I mostly knew how to spot controlling men after that, but there were a few more times in my life when they came around. Looking back, I realize I was going through similar phases and exhibiting common behaviors during those times. Controlling men don’t just come out of nowhere. Here are the reasons you might be attracting them.
Control feels like love
First let’s talk about why having a controlling man want you feels good at first. Control can feel like love. It’s not love – far from it – but it can feel like it. When a man tries to control you by telling you how to behave and what to do with your life, it’s almost like he just really cares about you. Almost. Whereas you may have dealt with lots of aloof, emotionally unavailable men who really didn’t care what you did, a controlling man can feel like a nice change – at first.
