Is a Good Woman Hard to Find?

July 22nd, 2010 - By Erica Renee

According to some men, finding a good woman isn’t as easy as we would like to believe. We often hear complaints, from our girlfriends or even ourselves, about the lack of quality men in the choosing pool. Well, news flash ladies, some men have the same argument. Just because you’re educated, self-sufficient, and consider yourself a ‘trophy,’ doesn’t mean men are as impressed as you think. Actually nowadays, those characteristics are more prevalent than not.

We look at the women around us who are just as beautiful, educated, and self-sufficient as ourselves and think men have it easy. But emotional baggage, gold-digger qualities, over-independence, e.t.c. are characteristics we may overlook but men notice. So yes, your college-educated, independent best friend is both attractive and on the market but what about those qualities that even you as a best friend can’t stand? For the sake of this article, let’s reverse the roles. If you were a man, would you date your girlfriends? Let’s take it one step further, would you even date yourself?

Last week, self-proclaimed bad boy of radio, Michael Baisden raised this question to his female callers: would you date your girlfriends?  Many of the callers’ answers were shocking, but more relevant than most of us ‘got it together’ women would like to believe. One woman strongly emphasized that although she loved her friends, she wouldn’t date any of them. The reasons: either they were too independent or not emotionally independent enough. Another lady confessed that most women are sneaky, conniving and looking for a man to ‘save them’ (so much for women sticking together).

In today’s society when most women are financially independent or at least on the path to becoming so, many men have become accustomed to beauty, education, financial independence, etc. What many men are complaining about has nothing to do with the superficial. Instead, it has everything to do with emotional stability, domestic values, and simply knowing how to treat a man.

So the next time you hear a man say that a good woman is hard to find, don’t be so quick to jump on the defensive end. Instead think about your girlfriend who complains about everything under the sun or your friend who is lugging around baggage from a high school relationship that happened years ago. Then evaluate those qualities that you need to work on, not only for a man, but for yourself.

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  • cocoafit

    That use to be me… I had so much baggage I needed a cart to lug them around. Then I had an ex tell me that I needed to learn to forgive myself and get over it. That was my ah-ha moment… I decided to go man-less for a minute and work on myself. I now have a wonderful man in my life (who has some baggage of his own) but we are working on unpacking our baggage together! Now I slip and fall back into old habits from time to time, but I admit it, apologize for it, then we talk it out and we keep pushing forward. I can't tell you how wonderful it feels to not be the "angry sista" anymore! We forgive for ourselves not anyone else… when we remember that, then life is much sweeter.

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  • stellaG

    It all goes to show….THERE IS NO DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN.. none of the sexes have it easier whatsoever. and have you never stopped to think that the kinda man you are looking for might not necessarily be in the places that YOU are going to look for him?…Get out of your comfort zones , the reason I believe women cannot find men is that they are still stuck. Stuck in the mind frame of their first love, how it was and how it should be.and all of you saying you would not date your girlfriends for whatever reasons, DO NOT EVEN DARE run back to the same girlfriends and comfort them when they are crying to you about failed relationships when you have not even told them the real reason as to why their relationship has failed. If you think she's to ghetto, then he is going to think that. Therefore tell her. Instead of all this nonesense of " you were too good for him anyway"..ohhh PLEASE.

  • A.D.S.

    Hey i'm single why is it so hard to find LOVE why do we make it so dam complicated and plus sistas got to much tude

  • kahlilahb

    I think I would date myself..but my girlfriends…um no…too ghetto.. dont get my wrong I love my chica's but we are toldy different people..Im the stuck one of our crew and at times I dont even wanna hang out with them..but we have been friends since childhood so I got much love for them.. I have baggage from other relationships but I try not to bring to new relationships or friendship but its hard sometimes, Im educated, self sufficient and all that jazz but I still want the man to be the head and I take my place as his wife, Im old fashion..and believe my husband should be the head of my household its just hard to find a man who's willing and able to fill the position.. Im patiently waiting… until he finds me :-)

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  • frankiestage

    Femininity, when plied properly, is much stronger than masculinity, and allows a woman to get a man to do her bidding much more efficiently and effectively than a masculine stare down or other like confrontation. But femininity is such a lost art now, as it seemingly disappeared with the women's movement of the 60's and 70's.

  • ManUp

    There has been some good points in these points (better than in the article itself). I want to comment on some of the points.

    As far as women needing to be submissive, I do feel that women need to think about this concept. A lot of women are trying to be 'men' and calling that being independent. It's ok to let a guy do something for you. It's ok for a woman to 'give in' to something a guy wants to do once in a while. An example used in an earlier comment was the woman constantly reminding her male partner to pickup his towel. Ok yes you are not his maid but ask yourself is it really putting yourself out to pick it up once, twice or even all the time. If all else is well in the relationship should this really be an issue. If this was someone you loved a lot like your mom or grand mom would you really be making a big deal out of that??

    Along the same lines is another concept, "allow a man to lead and I don't mean control". Most women don't know the difference and this is a big problem. This goes for both sexes. There are times when a man knows what he wants or has a preference and maybe your preference is different at that time but you can let them have it sometimes to make him or her happy. Don't you want him/her to be happy sometimes?? This concept is a two way street the more you let them lead, the more you will be able to lead them also. One example is I was putting together a crib for a female friend and wanted to 'help' but her help meant telling me how to put it together and try to do everything herself. In this situation she could have fell back and let me be a man and lead her instead of creating conflict. I'm doing her a favor and she's not appreciating it.

    Lastly the concept that some people want to be right more than they want peace. This comes down to personality, most people hate being wrong and will fight and argue even if they know they're wrong so if they think they are right they will fight even harder. People will fight so hard that they are putting the other person down in the process. So if you're right all the time what does that accomplish? You be right and feel great but you just made the person you supposedly love feel wrong all the time, great job.

    Bottom line is know yourself and your faults and keep them in mind at all times. So when things come up be real with yourself and decide how much you like this person and what do you have to lose if you submit, or are led or are perceived as wrong sometimes>

  • Shell Fish

    I totally agree with Feed Up and Golden Standard….it's always "Focus on what Women" are doing wrong for men……because it is so many women out here now…men are misbehaving in droves……I'm a very attractive women, educated, single parent of a intelligent 14 y/o son and I went out a week ago to a event just to catch some air and to get out the house and network….I was dress very nice and a BM whom I never met or even knew came up to me and ask me "Do you like Sex" and proceed to then ask me and feel on my legs "Do you have on stockings"…he then dash away so quickly ….and this man is married……this is what I'm taliking about……..Most BM do not have respect for their women………they are totally lost and have lost their self repsect for themselves and for their women for the "All mighty dollar".why should I lower my "Self " to accommodate anyone…and why I'm I made to feel "Bad" because I'm single?….from what I 've seen….I would rather be single than to deal and lower my "Self" just to accommodate a man…….I know a few successful BM..and the first thing they start at is "complaining about you" or finding faults or even worse "Are you good enough for me" then they complain…about this is not right and that is not right about what you are doing…..this is to try to break a decent woman down….so they think….I've also met a BM and he admitted that when he was younger he would "Break a woman" especially when she had potential…he thought that was something to be proud of….but now he has a daughter and he wants ALL men to respect her and treat her like a queen, when he did not respect women and probably the baby's mamma….I think it is going to come back on him via his daughter…..so what I'm saying is I REFUSE TO Lower my self, lose my mental health to accommodate a insecure, jealous and controlling man….people look at single women and wonder "What's wrong with her or is she gay"…well when I see a single woman…I say she is "Smart and not willing to lower her standards"…oh I forgot…have you notice a lot of women with breast cancer or other major health issues are in BAD marriages?….just take a survey….you will find shocking findings…..

  • Ironwood54

    I dont care what anyone says, men still have it easier. So many or my female freinds who are lovely and amazing have settled for guys that just did not appreciate their true beauty and kindness. Ladies don't settle.

    As a man I will tell you that guys really can dominate and consume so much of your time and energy -because you allow it. Take your time and never setlle. Trust me in the long run you will find the right guy.

    I know its tough for black women. I am married and appreciate what I have. I took me a long time to find her but I decided i just needed to wait for the right one. You are entitled to be treated with respect and loved strong.

    Take care and stay strong!!!

  • BreathOfFreshAir

    Great points in the article!! Wow…..it seems that some people did not really understand what the article was about. This article really made me think about the faults in myself that I need to change in order to find me a mate. In the past I was so focused on my good qualities and why a man should be lucky to have me. However, I failed to acknowledge the fact that I can be so overly independent and mean that I definitely wouldn't want to put up with me. This was a great article that put it out there to try to actually help women realize what they might need to adjust about themselves. I think the goal here was to decrease the number of single, black, educated, indepedent women out here that see themselves as a trophy, but don't really look at that one fault that can be strong enough to push a man away. Loved the article!!

  • Letloverule

    I think we all–women, men, ah, people–have our ups and downs. Seems the answer is to find a person with commonalities and qualities you are drawn to, then to make it work (by seeking to understand, love and respect each other).

    I think we should as individuals–men, women, ah, people–always continue to "work" on ourselves and put as much love out into the world as we possibly can.

    That's what we're "here" for.

  • LBC

    Wow, some of these comments have really gone left field. Anyway, it is really pretty simple. It doesn't matter if YOU think you are a catch. The ones you hope to pursue you have to think you are a catch. What you may think is valuable about yourself may not be valued by men seeking companions.That is why it is important for women to make an effort to truly understand men. In the past, we were the ones who had do this. Now it goes both ways. Just as women have changed dramatically over the last three decades so have men. The difference is we only hear about and study women. No one really inquires about the changes men have gone through during the same period. This hurts women the most because many of you simply don't get it. It is amazing to come across women with advanced degrees in social science with under practical understanding about today's men.

    And as jacked up as this sounds the point needs to be made. Baggage kills. No one else wants your hurt and pain. This is something both men and women have to remember. It is true that each relationship leaves a lasting mark. If it is neccessary take the time to get some help to truly recover from past hurts BEFORE moving on. Emotionally distraught women are very easy to spot. In fact, they will give themselves away every time (kind of like some of these comments).

  • Shay

    Some of the comments made on this page regarding this article is a little shocking. I think the problem with our generation (though Im only 25 and have not been in the game that long. However Ive been blessed to see true love in the form of my mom and dad who have been together for 37 yrs and still going strong and my grandparents who have been together for 52 years and also going strong) is that women think they are too independent to need a man, at least that is the impression men get. No one wants to be alone forever and the reason why so many black and successful women in their 30s that on paper are "good catches" are still single, is that they do not know how to be submissive. Im not saving women should assume a role inferior to their men, but even if you dont need a mans support financially, a man still needs to feel needed and wanted. If you give the impression, I got it all, I could do it all, I dont need a man, guess what your not going to get one, cuz a guy would think well she got it all she dont need me. Men want to MEN, they are natural providers and protectors, if you dont let him do what he has been naturally created to do, then he cant be with you. Even if you dont need his financial support, you got to let him now you need him somehow. And the problem also has to deal with men these days. ALot of men are intimidated by educated and successful women. I think us women and men really need to go back in history and determine what made relationships 10-20 yrs ago successful and apply those characterisitics. Even those men and women who get married, alot of couples are getting divorced before 10 yrs of marriage. In general I think the state of dating and union in the black population is the worst its ever been. Alot of educated, beautiful, and successful women cannot seem to find a good man to settle with. Well ladies, keep ya heads up. God is good and he will bring the right man to you when the time is right. There are some good brothas out there. Ive been so blessed to have one. Good luck to everyone.

  • Tyler M

    As a young black male I grew up (80's-90's baby) in a predominantly white environment. I always liked rap 1st (not NWA, although 2 Live had good beats-just saying), I could dance, and identified myself as black (note: loved X and being Muslim in 8th grade). I loathed it when white classmates tried to hook me up with the other black girls, who to them were cute but for me were not my choice picks. Then I was allowed to wonder "Why don't I want them"? "What's the deal with my options and not having a steady like the other kids"?

    The preferences I had were based upon what I liked "boobs, smile, curves, calves" and not the skin color of the girl. Oh, and personality ;) . I told my light skinned mother one day I was NEVER going to date a light skinned sister, and then realized what I had said. I remember feeling even as a teen the brown bag theory was under the surface, so when I liked a girl, and she happened to be light, I felt I was dammed for trying(like I was already indoctrinated). But I never liked the feeling of being in public with a white girl, I don't like stares period. That's not to say fools don't act up/try to holla when you with a sistah either.

    The experience I had was it sucked when you liked a white girl and you can't date b/c the girl is afraid THEY will look bad in their friends eyes. It hurts your self-esteem, b/c you can't control or change that situation, no matter how nice or sincere you are.

    That said, for this black male I struggle between limiting one's options for dating and going all out. My weakenss is a fear of rejection, and you have to get over it to date anyone, so I look at my intentions.

    I might like the girl brown or pale cuz she's cool, on the same page, OR I might just want a one night stand. Can I say that God doesn't want me to date a white person? I'm pretty good at leaving the one night stand or sexual attraction at the door-whip it out!

    But black white American history is real, we have been lynched and jailed for miscegenation, so I've even asked "What would grandpa and grandma say" almost as if to honor them, and I see those brothers who date interacially and it seems some want nothing with our culture (I don't mean hip-hop necc.) or they want to be considered for the Maury or Jerry Springer show.

    I don't have the answer, I wanted to share I feel black Americans have the hardest job of living PC at times. What resonates with me is this: If I was with a person who had close to never experienced real-racism, discrimination, or prejudice-and I came home in a funk and explained that someone cut me off or the cab passed me by etc., and I explained what I felt, would my lover understand where I was coming from, or would I just be "cra-zy,de-ranged". I might have to call my light skinned mama and vent with her. lol Peace and love to all the mom's out there, you deserve and I wish you the best in life.

    I hate race and racism-but I participate (I'm human)!

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