Ask the Luv Coach: “I’m Madly In Love With My Neighbor, But He Won’t Offer Anything Beyond Sex”

30 comments
December 5, 2011 ‐ By

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This week on The Luv Coach, Coach Brody helps a woman who is confusing sex with love. Read on and weigh in:

Dear Luv Coach,

I’m 23 years old and I have a 3 year old daughter. I’ve been with the father of my child for 10 years and he has been incarcerated for the past 3 years, set to be released in June of next year.

The thing is I’ve been sleeping with my next door neighbor for a year and I’m madly in love with him. He also has a 3 year old daughter and our kids play together. When we first met he told me that he was not interested in a serious relationship and was no longer with the mother of his child and I believed him. A few months later I found out that they were still a couple and were living together but when I asked him if this was true he denied it. He then came clean and said that they were working things out for the sake of their child and that he still wants to casually sleep with me.

He has said on many occasions that he doesn’t want me seeing anyone else but he knows that I will be with the father of my child when he gets out. We still plan on sneaking around when my boyfriend gets home but I want more from him. The way I feel for him I’ve never felt for anyone else – not even the father of my child but he just won’t commit to me and I can’t trust him.

Recently at a party I got into a confrontation with his girlfriend because they were making out in front of me and I felt disrespected because he saw that I was there and acted like he didn’t care. He vowed to never speak to me after that incident but that was because the bi*ch was there. A week later he was at my door and we’re now sleeping together again. It seems like he’s never going to leave her alone and I just can’t continue seeing him if he doesn’t but I don’t know how to let go because I really love him. Should I stay and hope that he changes or just leave him alone?

-Melody

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  • editor2012

    I’m praying that this letter isn’t for real.  If I understand the LW correctly, she’s stepping out on her incarcerated baby’s father with a man who has lied to her about being in a relationship with the mother of his own child.  She then acted the fool in public when her neighbor with benefits didn’t acknowledge her in the presence of his girlfriend.  To top it all off, she plans to keep the relationship going when her man gets home.  No, wait…she’s also in love with her neighbor.

    If this is for real, the LW needs to grow up.  I get that you’re lonely and all, but this guy is using you.  If he wanted to be with you, he would have dumped his girlfriend and moved in with you.  Instead, you’re being swallowed up by his lies.

    Quick question.  When your boyfriend and/or neighbor’s girlfriend figures things out (and they will), what do you think they will do or say to you?  My guess is nothing positive.

    LW, you’re a grown, independent woman with a kid.  Act like it.

  • Sofi

    This letter seems so made up, because its hard to imagine that a woman in her right mind would write some crap like this in order to publicly request advice. This is something that should be kept in one’s diary of shame.
    This is a perfect example of why men continue to act like theyre all hot commodities.  

    • guestman

      but we really are…especially the decent brothers….we know more women than many have low standards…they’ll practically screw anything

  • Jacluvschd

    This has got to be a joke. How did she not know he was living with his girlfriend if he lives right nextdoor…? I can’t with this article..

  • http://twitter.com/Imnot_thatgirl Vashalice Howard

    All I can say is get it together ma’am that is all

  • Free

    Wow I’m embarrassed for u. You’re suppose to leave ur stupidity behind in your teens years not adulthood u moron. The boy said he didn’t want a serious relationship but you’re madly in love with him. You are not in love. Love is not for the weak. He has his girl who he obviously is not leaving & when she finds out about u She’s gonna beat u up & u sound like u can’t fight anyway. So really u didn’t proofread? Doesn’t this letter sound retarded to u? If he is cheating on his girl um what do u think he’s going to do with u? You’re both stupid. He knows you’re stupid that’s why he’s playing u & he knows ur little funky tail will give it up any old day cause u have no standards or self worth. Karma is coming for u girl. Any chances for u to find a real man is dead now. U can’t even be a real woman. Smh stupid stupid stupid girl. I’m glad I’m not u. Feel bad for ur kid though.

  • Is It 5:00 Yet?

    But on a serious note, all of these lies and deception is going to catch up with her and him too.

    If ol’ boy gets out of jail and finds that you been creepin’, he might catch another case….for assault.

  • Is It 5:00 Yet?

    Tramp.

    *turns off laptop and walks out of room*

  • GUEST

    Another HOODRAT soap opera. SMDH!!!!

  • Lucky

    When a man tells you he’s not interested in a serious relationship, take him at his word. 

    He told you this upfront. In other words, he gave you fair warning. Trust me, the night you and his girlfriend bumped heads, he probably denied to his girlfriend that he had anything to do with you. He may have some good bone, but is it really worth the frustration? 

    As blunt as it may sound, it’s far better to get a toy and some batteries than to let someone use you.

  • Jennae

    PLEASE send this letter to Terrence Dean on Bossip. I think she’d respond more to that kind of straight talk. Seriously, seriously though, she ain’t gonna stop seeing him with this letter. Too rational and wise and some people are just in a whole other galaxy from rational and wise.

  • http://www.facebook.com/barbara.codner Barbara Codner

    This whole situation is not going to end well at all.  She’s going to have to live and learn the hard way!  Sigh…..

  • Guess

    You are young and immature.  He made it clear that he didnt want a serious relationship.  He is still with his baby mama.  Im assuming you two may not be using protection.  And why and the hell, at 23, are you with to a jailbird.  (FYI- being in jail means he is not taking care of you nor his child and when he gets out you will be taking care of him).
    Break it off with both boys, focus on you and your daughter, casually date, and keep it moving until a single, non-two timing, non-incarcerated MAN comes along.  And remember, your daughter is watching!

  • Darkman

    You are 23, dating the same (and probably only) guy for 10 years, so you know nothing about love or sex. The first moron who pass by got you. Why do you expect him to not keeping eating his cake and have it?
    Your immaturity will cost you a lot, if you persist in this relation. Not only you’ll get STD, but your ex-con who is dreaming of you now, may react with extreme violence when he’ll find out you were cheating on him or are still cheating on him.
     If you don’t like your baby’s father, cut him now, instead of planning to cheat. But first thing first, move far from the sex exploiter (next, he’ll ask you to prostitute for him). And don’t leave your address.

    You are 23, at the begining of your life. I hope you won’t finish with 5 kids with 5 fathers, complaining there is no good man out there, because you only choose the bad one…

  • guest

    Love this advice column LOVE HER!!!

  • MrsIndepedent

    I stopped  reading after this sentence…
    “When we first met he told me that he was not interested in a serious relationship “. 

    He told you what he wants. Let him go.Ladies we (including me) love to give excuses to hold on to a man especially when they make non-commitment statements like this. We sit there rationalize the decision in our minds, looking for “evidence” to support staying with him. Honey cut him off! Don’t talk to him for at least 1 month. Block him from calling, texting, emailing, ignore all his attempts to contact u for that month. Push him to the point where he either freaks-out that  he’ll loose you and he won’t find another like you and then come begging or he’ll not recognize your value and move on and that’s your sign to let him go for good. If u want a man in this day an age you have to play these little games, stupid? yes, Necessary? yes. Men are from MARS!

    • OSHH

      I strongly disagree with “you have to play games if you want a man”, NO you don’t.
      Just be the kind of person you want to attract, if you wnat honesty, be honest, if you want kindness, be knid, if you want loyalty, be loyal, if you want someone trustworthy, be worthy of  trust, etc etc etc.. all that gaming, manipulating, stunts and tricks are for kids. She needs to leave her neighbor alone period, he’ll use her as loooonnnnng as she allows it, and start cultivating the type of positive and meaningful character traits she would want in someone else.

      • MrsIndepedent

        You are assuming men are logical! big mistake.  And your conclusions are based on a woman’s view another big mistake. They think and act different from how we women think they should act. Applying logic to men does not work, i’m learning this the hard way. If they did, all the genuinely good women will be wived-up! 

        • Newbie

          No need to play games, just leave him alone.  
          You can be a genuinely good woman and be dumb.  The reason why many women arent wifed-up is because they deal with men who dont want the same thing they want in a relationship (similar to this chick).  Learn how to walk away and weed out the good from the bad.  Dont make excuses for dead weight.

          • OSHH

            and thats pretty much it. Deal with those who want the same thing in a realtionship as yourself and do not be afraid to walk away in that instant if someone doesn’t.
            Don’t make the mistake of hanging around, trying to wait him out, showing him how good of a woman you are,  sex him into submission or manipulate/game folk. If you do any of those things you are only prolonging your own agony.

        • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=551680935 Eric McDaniel

          Men are the logical ones. You MRSINDEPENDENT are the one not using any logic. A man who tells you upfront he doesn’t want anything serious is being logical. The woman that thinks she can change his mind or persuade him is the illogical one. If dude can run in and out of her life and still get the panties, he will. If a man can keep getting the goods with a lame excuse and an apology, he will. He’s seriously making this chick look dumb as HE–. The logical man will say and do to get what he wants from a woman. Whether its bending the truth or just outright lying, it’s going to happen. 

          • Darkman

            Well said!!!

        • Darkman

          If a man can get between your legs without lying, why do you expect to keep him with games? He scored already!!! That’s was his goal. Your games will just make hime move to the next dumb available, it can’t work for this case.

      • Sofi

        I dont think she meant “playing games” as in childishly playing love games.

        If a man says that he doesnt want to commit, doing things such as cutting him off and not picking up the phone, are all proven ways of “weeding” the garden. If he states that from the get go, then its not even recommended to continue seeing him.
        However, sometimes a man might say that further into the dating phase. Thats when those so called “games” come into play. Any man wants you he’ll make effor and go for it, especially when he realizes that he’s about to lose you for good. And if he doesnt want you, he could care less whether or not he sees or hears from you anymore. Then you as a woman would have no regrets, and know that he wasnt worth it.

      • guestman

        Well said miss!!! 

  • Kayla

    He was already upfront about what it was in the beginning. So stop deluding yourself into believing that he will change. If he truly feels the same then he will show you with his actions point blank. 

  • GalaxyEmpress

    Cut him off completely!!! He’s totally playing you because thinks you are stupid……

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Lisa-Tate/100000728183555 Lisa Tate

    All I can say is…. WOW.  I didn’t think someone came that dumb.

  • Daquirie001

    That girl needs to get the ish slapped outta her… SMDH I’ve seen /heard this story before… If the guy is sleeping with both of them, both of them need to kick his sorry a** to the curb, cuz they are NOT the only ones he’s sleeping with… ugh… That’s just plain ugly.

  • OSHH

    ITA with Love Coaches advice. STOP deluding and playing yourself and get yourself together mentally, spiritually, and emotionally for both your and your daughter’s sake.
     Another word to wise be careful of “associations” close to where you live.
    You may have to move, realistically, just to have peace and move on with your life. One last thing for future reference anytime someone hits you with not ready for a relationship, FALL ALL THE WAY BACK OFF those folks and go in another direction all together,  don’t be afraid to have some standards with the resolveto stand firm and be honest about what it is you really want, settling for nothing less.