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So you’re back together with your ex. Can’t get enough of each other, right?
While that may be true, couples who make up to break up often confuse their unhealthy cycles with passion. In reality, the constant need to come back to one another probably stems from loneliness, unhealed wounds and toxicity.
According to research from Psychology Today, there is no correlation between relationship quality and on again/off again relationships (Dailey & Powell, 2017). Those who are in the thick of it may feel that because they hit the “reset” button on their failed partnership, it means there is something inherently special about their bond, but the opposite is true.
“Consistent evidence shows that relationships with a cycling history are of lower quality than non-cyclical relationships,” Psych Today explains.
In some cases it’s not even relationship content that keeps people involved with each other, it’s just the inability to work through the emotions of a breakup.
“After a break-up, feelings of love, nostalgia, and concern for a former partner can continue. For some people, these lingering feelings are enough to try and renew the relationship,” PsychToday says.
And while we know that healthy connections are based in tangible things like, commitment, loyalty, respect, and consistency, folks who are active participants in on again/off again connections may prioritize sex and passion over other tentpoles of relation.
“Some evidence suggests that people in cyclical relationships place a higher value on the passion and the sexual component of their relationship than people in non-cyclical relationships,” Psych Today reports.
And the people in this category may have a harder time working through their new found singlehood, so they boomerang back into relation.
“Leaving a relationship often means entering a phase with less ready companionship. For some people, the desire not to be alone is motivation to return to a former partner,” research says.
So be careful when you equate too much value to the fact that you and your ex can’t let each other go–it’s most likely rooted in something other than love.
