Six Reasons He Won’t Marry You…Financially

October 6th, 2010 - By TheEditor

Your man still wines and dines you.  He loves that you’re health-conscious and your best self.  He even supported your career – before you quit.  Very soon, you’ll be married.  Or else.  Until then, you give him your all.  Your daughter and parents can’t wait.  Five years later, you’re still here and unmarried.  You’re good woman.  You’d make a great wife.  Maybe give him a kid after all.  What’s wrong?

It’s You.  Often, the most beautiful and intelligent women miss the aisle because they lack financial “fine-ness”.  Often, the commitment you seek is farther than the road you’re blocking from his financial freedom.

Here’s Six Reasons You May Not Get The Ring

1.    You Won’t Compliment Our Wealth
Times are challenging.  We want adaptable women.  A cheerleader at our highs and counselor (mainly sex) in our lows.  Will you be ready and unconditionally supportive for our power moves and misses?  In rough times, find out if we need you financially.  Extra income trumps morning workouts and Oprah.  Asking alone shows you’d be a great partner.

2.    You May Be A Liability
Many of us see wives as an obligation that MUST be worth it.  Offer qualities we refuse to live without – great sex, ridiculous beauty or whatever our “currency” is.  Possess something we’re willing to trade our “freedom” for.  We decide how much effort we’ll expend to keep you very early.  The more you offer, the better your chances.   We’ll fold on an average hand.  No excessive debt, litter of children or new responsibilities we don’t want.  Sending “his money” to mom may make you a burden not an asset.

3.    You Don’t Make Financially Sound Decisions
Before marriage; we weigh the “costs” of sharing financial decisions.  Similar financial outlooks are preferred.  If we’re financially carefree – be thrifty.  If we’re thrifty – be thriftier.  Mirror us financially to see the “papers” you desire.  We assume you’ll treat our money like yours.  Quitting your jobs abruptly may be fine.  Quitting without a backup plan is unacceptable.

4.    We Make Unsound Financial Decisions With You
We make calculated decisions about you to get what we want.  The more we like you; the worse our decision-making.  For protection, we instantly classify women into categories.  You’ve been analyzed; so anything we give beyond “your worth” seems like a loss.  Excess in dating compromises our financial stability.  You don’t have to pay; BUT PAY ATTENTION.  Suggest alternatives to fine-dining if you suspect our ambivalence.  We’ll appreciate your sacrifice and work harder to please you.

5.    You Make Us Feel Financially Weak
Men compete with each other from birth. In order to survive and be successful, our self-confidence must always remain in tact. We can’t be compromised AND successful.  Broken men, allowed themselves to become LESS than what they originally envisioned.  Most men won’t care if you make the same pay or more.  We’ll push you away if you make us feel smaller than our vision of ourselves.  We must be the head of house in one way or another.  We’ll never be thrilled with making less than you.  Succeed; but never flaunt your financial prowess.  It’s not “good money” if deteriorates our self image.

6.    You Treat Us Like Currency
A woman “who can find somebody else” is open to someone better than us.  Once again, we’re competing.  Thoughts of you with the competition make us feel disposable, like money.  Bottom line – there are more women than men.  Unless you’re irresistible; we’ll call your bluff.  We too, “can find somebody else”.  Women who appreciate us; appreciate in value.

Here are some tips to promote positive financial growth in relationships:

1.    Share Your Financial Decisions to Create an Open Financial Environment.
2.    Find Ways to Build His Wealth Too.
3.    Assess and Align Your Financial Decision-Making Styles.
4.    Be Receptive and Adapt To His Financial Peaks and Valleys.
5.    Make Him “The King” of Something Else If He Can’t Cut it Financially.
6.    Appreciate What He Brings to the Table and Truly Value It.

Jemal Webb is a leading Independent Financial Asset Manager in Atlanta, building a community based on Abundance, Protection and Education.

Tags:

, , ,
More from StyleBlazer
More from MommyNoire

Comment Disclaimer

Comments that contain profane or derogatory language, video links or exceed 200 words will require approval by a moderator before appearing in the comment section. XOXO-MN

  • KCraig

    @groundzero, I am a 37yr old black woman and I have to say I agree with you 100%!!!! The truth hurts and obviously Jemal stepped on some toes! Some of my sistas can be so bitter. I'm willing to bet the ones with the bitter responses are either single or their man is cheating on them right now. If we do like Steve Harvey suggested and THINK like a man we'd be better off. Brother Jemal was simply puttin it out there for our information and y'all got the nerve to say the man ain't doin his job. Don't shoot the messenger!! Take ur pill and sip on a margarita and think about it. Don't get me wrong, there are some lazy a$$, doggish men out there. But, truth be told, some sistas act like they can't accept anything less than name brand and the most expensive stuff they can get. I feel like if u want all that stuff get it urself! We r making good money nowadays! Have a man give u something money can't buy like some quality time and respect. Relationships are a give and take situation. U don't have to settle but u do have to negotiate because nobody is perfect! Just like he accepts ur flaws u have to accept his. In any relationship whether it's a friendship or an intimate relationship, it is BOTH party's job to try to make the other one happy. No relationship is all peaches and cream but if ur not there to make the other person happy, what r u there for? Like the man said, ur gonna help me or hurt me. And that goes for both the man and the woman. If the other person doesn't have ur best interests in mind….walk away. PEACE!!!

  • Tabitha

    This article is so one-sided. What about the men who are not financially stable? I'm so sick of these articles always blaming women for everything.

  • Jeannette

    Hi Jemal,

    Thank you for posting your position! Although in your post you cite that it's not your personal experience regarding this article but it's from your personal research of these issues. My suggestion, is that you should have stated this in your article. Although I feel your article is one sided, I appreciate your honesty and sharing your point of view.

  • http://twitter.com/msjeannettea Jeannette

    Let's turn the tables. If this was written by a Black woman she'd be told IMMEDIATELY that her standards are too high and what she's looking for is unrealistic.

    Julie O. was so spot on. IN GENERAL WE outearn YOU….so whatchu sayin? I'm all for fiscal accountability and responsibility, but whipping out a balance sheet and a check list when you are courting says a whole lot more about you than the woman you are trying to get to know.

    Yet another barrier some of our men put up in order to rule us out of the game. Have a good one.

    • GroundZeroBlastRadiu

      @Jeanette

      Not correct. Black women DON'T outearn black men. According to the lastest census data (as it's been collected). In the income range of 50k to 75k, 21% more black men than black women earn that income than black women. When you go to the 75K and above, the gap is even larger. 57% more black men than black women are in the bracket. Also, there are 75% more black women than black men at the poverty level. The statement that black women out-earn black men is a MYTH, perpetuated by the media.

      I'm trying to dump on black women, but if you're going to make a statement, make sure it's at least remotely factual. My statement has been backed up and cosigned by several people who went to the census website. http://www.census.gov

      • GroundZeroBlastRadiu

        Correction "I'm NOT trying to dump on black women"

  • GroundZeroBlastRadiu

    @Keri

    First, glad to make your acquaintance Keri. Secondly, I'll agree with you, to an extent, good men are harder to find and take more time to find than "A pair of pant" as it were. However, if you're one of the women who does the things myself and Jemal mention in the six reasons he won't marry you, financially, if you EVER were to find that good man or men, they would most likely have nothing to do with you. Just something to think about. I wish you a blessed day

    @Sara

    Good to talk with you Sarah. I just wanted to mention that there is a saying "If it doesn't apply, let it fly". In short, if you're happy not being married or in a committed relationship, and you have no desire to pursue either, then go ahead and do you. However, more than a few women, especially black women, desire to be in a long term relationship and/or married. These are the women this article is meant for. These women are the ones who are on the various tv specials complaining about how they can't find a man to commit to them and marry them. These are the women who need to view this article, and make the mentioned changes. Women of are single and not looking, well, they don't really needs this information, at least until they change their minds. I wish you a blessed day.

  • Alfred Edmond Jr.

    Speaking as a black man, I find this post to be totally ridiculous, trifling and without merit. It reads like a script for a Dave Chappelle sketch, not serious advice. Except it's not funny.

    Ladies, let me share a different kind of wisdom (from the father of the Queen I am currently dating) as a black male and father of three daughters: If you have to CONVINCE a man (financially or otherwise) that you are THE ONE, then he's not THE ONE for you. Get him out of your way, out of your bed and out of your life. He's blocking you from the view of the man you really deserve, who would honor you if he could only find you.

  • Teresa

    YOU KILLED IT HUN!!!!! Try again ATL POST!!! We are better than this!

  • sara

    What people dont understand is everyone has different joys in life and they can come in any shape or form not neccesarily from a partner. Goodbye

  • Keri

    GET REAL. A good man is hard to find. one can always find a pair of pant.

  • Revet

    Julia,

    I agree with you.

    • star

      yes it definately goes both ways when you look at finances. The main problem is probably "attitudes".

  • Denise ~N~ Verdanct

    Okay, I just have to comment. Ladies I think we may be guilty of not seeing the "BIG" picture here. Unfortunately, a lot of society marks black women as the "lonely, angry, argumentative type”. When in truth we know that despite this misconception we are truly some if not the most nurturing, loving, caring and forgiving creatures God may have ever made. What amazes me is that we are so busy loving, caring and attentive to our men that we forget to be honest with ourselves about our men.

    THERE IS NOT A MAN ON THIS EARTH THAT DOES NOT THINK EXACTLY LIKE THIS MAN OR SOME VARIATION OF IT. Yes, even your daddy!

    I know it seems ridiculous of them to think this way, who do they think they are? But really if you think about it for more than a moment and push your personal feelings aside you can clearly see that MOST men see women completely as accessories to their flashy outfits. They may not say it and some at first may even deny it but let’s put it to the test shall we?

    Traditionally, In a marriage men are supposed to protect, support and provide, women are to do ummm just about everything else right, and now in this age, we are also expected to do the two latter. To top it all off, while we have added to our responsibilities men have lessened theirs. If their sole job is to protect, think about it, when was the last time you needed to be protected? from what a bear?, a burgler?, a bug?, with ADT this is virtually useless. When was the last time your man jumped in front of a bullet, or blocked a hit meant for you?

    How many times has a man approached you with literally less than nothing and once rejected reacts as if they are surprised or worse ,as if you missed out?

    How many times has a man with a “good job” or “just working”, discussed with you his list of requirements of a woman and you found yourself going really, you want all that?

    How many times have we seen a man who once dated women his speed OR lower and simply because of his bank account is now dating women half his age, or so out of his league you just assume he has money?

    How many times have we told our friends “he is a loser, you need to leave him alone”, or my personal favorite, He loves me but….

    The truth of the matter is that no matter how low the man is on the totem pole financially or otherwise he ends up with the better end of the bargain simply because he sets his standards higher. We may detest his “I deserve the best, no matter what I bring to the table” attitude but it is simply not bad, not good, it just is. Take it or leave it.

    We can get mad, we can say it is stupid and unfair. We can even say it is not our fault because a man has to be strong enough to blah, blah, blah, but let’s face it. However, this article is speaking the absolute truth whether we like it or not. The only way to change this thought process is to change “our behavior”. When we demand more, we will get more, they built it and there we went.

    However, if you truly think that he is not telling it as men truly see it then you are crazy. Believe me I get it, you look at men with literally nothing who are coming at you expecting not only something BUT everything. It is frustrating, nauseating, and quite frankly put ridiculous.

    , when we as black women know that is simply not true. We can argue, cry, scream, fuss, point to fact after fact that indicate that these statements

  • Kendra

    I think this article reveals many valid and interesting points. It is nice a read a male’s point of view with regards to his wants and needs in a financial stable and intelligent woman. I feel that if this article was articulated by a woman there would be much more positive responses to it, than we have currently seen.

    Now I happen to be a very financially responsible woman, who is not currently married, however the reason that I am not married is because I demand a husband with an identical degree of financial intelligence that I have obtained over the years.

    Let’s face it finances alone are so important in a relationship that it has a very large capacity to make or break any marriage. I have personally witnessed this happen in many instances. Clearly look at and comprehend the options:

    1 Share Your Financial Decisions to Create an Open Financial Environment

    2. Find Ways to Build His Wealth Too.

    3. Assess and Align Your Financial Decision-Making Styles.

    4. Be Receptive and Adapt To His Financial Peaks and Valleys.

    5. Make Him “The King” of Something Else If He Can’t Cut it Financially.

    6. Appreciate What He Brings to the Table and Truly Value It.

    These are all things that any financially sound woman should require from their husband as well. If these are not a part of anyone’s prerequisites for a potential partner in marriage, it may be time to re-evaluate your own standards.

  • https://sites.google.com/site/jemalknows/ JemalKnows

    Julie,

    I love how impassioned you are and wrote this piece exactly for women like you with strong and direct points of view. I'll start by saying that please don't confuse my "commentary" as a reflection of my own life. I write to share and spark debate based on financial situations that I've come across both directly and indirectly. I'm a happily married man of ten years to a woman I love and supports me. I'm not a representation of most men represented in this piece.

    However, please understand that there are men, REAL men who feel the ways I've shared in my commentary. This piece is a reflection of their true feelings and instances I've witnessed that's a direct reflection on some women's experiences.

    I appreciate and agree with many of your feelings and experiences. I'm also truly grateful to have impassioned you to share your opinion today. Many of us go through life stagnant; today you weren't. I hope you treat your personal finances with the same vigor and commitment!

    Thanks again!

    ~Jemal

  • Lisa

    We REALLY, REALLY need to learn how to communicate better with each other. No wonder why our relationships are a mess. Delivery and tone is everything if you are trying to send a message that will resonate. The way this article is worded, automatically sends up defense flags for women (i.e. " You Won't Compliment Our Wealth"—REALLY?)

    I appreciate the author trying to show us the thought-process of men and marriage, but it comes across as condescending.

    • https://sites.google.com/site/jemalknows/ JemalKnows

      Thanks Lisa! I appreciate your POV. I agree in part. However, please understand that my "commentary" is intended to represent as truthfully as possible the TRUE feelings of the males I'm writing about. The tone of my pieces are direct reflections of the examples in which they represent. Males that feel the ways represented in this piece, TRULY FEEL THIS WAY whether correct or incorrect. I think it's important to represent them as truthfully as possible and for women to share their true feelings as well in response.

  • Furious Styles

    Financial discussion in a relationship seem to be one of the more difficult subjects to tackle. I appreciate your unique spin on the matter and feel this topic is applicable to anyone regardless of race or gender. If it doesn't apply to you, why get upset? Because I am sure to the person it does apply to, they are taking out the pen & pad feverishly taking notes.

  • https://sites.google.com/site/jemalknows/ JemalKnows

    Thanks for the honest commentary. Please know that this article isn't aimed at women/nor black women. It was written to give some insight into many of the things that get considered when choosing mates by many men today. I appreciate your candor. No commentary is meant to indicate "why" someone (who didn't want a long-term relationhip) wasn't chosen; simply why financial inconsistencies may be hindering those who want the commitment.

  • nooname

    Who ever was the ignorant soul who came up with this topic…Please next time keep it to yourself…Here is the biggest problem…Why are all of these articles geared towards woman not finding marriage or not being in a relationship…and more so black women…I am sick of this its all black women's fault why they are not married BS….How about you men stand up and take some responsibility…My God…I am sick of this foolishness…

    • capricorndiva28

      I agree with you! It's always our faults. I've always read these articles and gotten down. Why won't the men take responsibility! After reading your post I will now consider these men just ignorant and just plan foolish. smh

    • Carol

      I agee,It is time for men to be men. And step up to who they were created to be, the head of the household. And women need to stop settling for less.