As we get closer to Christmas, we’re at the time of the year where people send out holiday cards and try and reach out to those they care about, but may or may not have had close contact with for most of the year. For a friend of mine, a card and call from her ex’s mother, whom she was with for four years and was supposed to marry, left her feeling more annoyed than in the holiday spirit.
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For the record, when she was with her ex, my friend was quite close with his mother and sister. They hung out together, they talked on the phone for hours and they considered her a real member of the family.
Unfortunately though, her ex didn’t feel that same sense of loyalty and connection. The pair broke up unceremoniously more than once before she just couldn’t take him anymore. Still, it took my friend some time (more than a year and a sit-down conversation for closure) to move on completely from that man. It had taken him only a few months, as he’d found himself a new girlfriend that he claimed he was finally ready to settle down with. By the way, he told her this during their sit-down…
Considering all of the things she’d been through with him, it only makes sense that she wouldn’t want any ties to him. So she’s blocked him on social media, deleted his number, and when she’s seen him in public, ran for the hills. But is it unfair if she no longer wants to be connected to his family, innocent in the former couple’s squabbles, as well?
She asked me that one day after her ex’s mother sent her a holiday card, called her and left a long voicemail asking why she hadn’t kept in touch.
“I felt kind of bad because she sounded sad, and I know we were close,” she told me. “But I just don’t think I have to feel obligated to stay in touch with her if I don’t want anything to do with her son at this point. It breaks my heart, though.”
And it doesn’t help that when she comes into contact with her ex’s family, they bring him up. She told me she’d also run into his sister recently while shopping downtown and gone out of her way to be brief because of the woman’s habit of spilling unwanted hot tea.
“She was trying to really stop and talk and I just said hello and told her I needed to run,” she said. “I didn’t feel bad! The last time I saw her, you know she was the one who told me ___ was seeing someone. I know she doesn’t mean any harm, but I just can’t do that dance with her.”
Honestly, can you blame her?
It’s bad enough that when you see or hear from the family of your ex, you’re forced to think about said ex. But the last thing you want them to think is that they can give you all of this information on the person who left your heart in shambles. Hard pass.
My friend was the only person I knew who still interacted with the family of an ex. Everyone else I know seems to be of the understanding that when a relationship is over, correspondence with all of the people who came with the relationship should pretty much cease aside from a “Hey!” if you find yourself in the same circles.
But for the record, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with staying close with an ex’s family members, as long as the relationship maintained is a healthy one. That means no mention of the personal business of the ex, no digging for who you’re dating that could get back around to others. No conversations about what they wish could have transpired between you and the ex. Pretty much, no mention of things that would, understandably, make you uncomfortable. Boundaries are important.
I have a lot more insight into my friend’s situation than I can really give you, but based on what I know her ex put her through (including cheating and leaving her almost homeless), I don’t think there’s anything wrong with her decision to start distancing herself from his mom, sister and whomever else comes with the package. Truth be told, it would be nice if we could all stay cozy and friendly with all the people from our past, but not only is that sometimes not possible, it’s sometimes just not necessary…
But as usual, that’s just my opinion on the matter. What say you? Is it petty to cut off the family members of your ex if you previously had a close relationship with them?
