Funny Thoughts You’ve Had If You’re Lazy In Bed
I don’t know if it’s low testosterone, the fact that I went to a private school growing up and had brioche French toast at a young age, or the fact that my days are honestly just so damn busy that I’m burnt out, but I’ve never been much for acrobatics and antics in the bedroom. It’s just not who I am. I’m not afraid of things that are leather and vibrate, nor am I worried that I’ll slip a disc if we break out the Kama Sutra. It’s just not my thing. It doesn’t call my name. And I don’t even feel like I’m missing out. I love my sex life. But perhaps it’s because I don’t have to do much…If you relate to any of this, if you like to keep sex pretty vanilla—fine let’s say it, if you’re lazy in bed, then you’ve had these funny thoughts.
I love positions where we can all lie down
You know when we’re spooning? Can we just take our pants off and turn that into sex? Everybody is already so comfy that way. And when we’re done, we can go right back to sleep.
Instead of going down on you, bring it up here
I mean, I’ll do oral. But do I have to do the backward crawl to the bottom of the bed each time? Can’t you bring it up here? I’m already doing a lot of work for this.
I’ll get on top if you put me there
Could you just somehow support both of our weights as you roll us over and prop me on top of you? I’m totally good with being on top! It’s just getting there that is a lot of work when I’m all the way down here, under you, right now.
And move me with your hands
Oh and once I’m up there, I’d rather not have to do all the bouncing. Grab my hips and bounce me up and down. You know the speed you want anyways. And I don’t want my thighs getting too muscular.
Oh right right right. We should kiss for a while first. Because we’re in love and stuff. The thing is, sex is a workout, and I kind of like to get my workouts over with…
Can’t we take a break in the middle?
Are we really expected to keep at it the whole time until we’re finished? That seems like a long time to do physical activity with no break. It sucks you can’t, like, freeze your orgasm at whatever stage it’s at, take a break for a snack, and then pick up where you left off.
I’m not wearing my period undies; isn’t that enough?
I don’t want to hear anything about the fact that these underwear aren’t lacey or bejeweled. You should see the underwear I almost wore. I’m talking granny panty, period stained, dog bitten…Just be grateful for these little boy shorts.
If I feel it in my muscles, it’s time to switch positions
If I start to feel a burn from this position, it’s time to switch. Sex is supposed to feel good and exercise does not feel good so if sex feels like exercise, we’re making a mistake.
You should have the workout; women should have curves
It really makes sense that you should be doing all the thrusting and moving around. I’m a woman. I’m supposed to be soft and curvy. You should keep it toned and muscular. Let me lie here.
The lube is too far away; forget the lube
It would be nice to get the lube. But it’s all the way on the other side of the room so, like, can you just use your mouth some more?
Why switch positions? This one is fine!
Why all the position switching? What are we trying to prove? Nobody’s watching this. It doesn’t have to look interesting. Everybody can accomplish what they need to do in this one position.
69 was created by evil people
So, someone decided they should take one of the greatest experiences (having someone go down on you) and add to it one of the most laborsome tasks (having to go down on someone else). Not the greatest minds if you ask me.
You have your own hands for that
Why am I going to give you a handy if you have your own hands and you know what you like more than I do? And you, unlike myself, keep your nails short.
Ten seconds is a long time for oral
Ten seconds is long enough to send a text, eat a cookie, cross a crosswalk…it’s a long time, okay! And it feels even longer when there is a penis in your mouth.
I mean, you’re going to come either way so…
Let’s be real: you’re a dude. You’re going to come no matter what I do. That’s what my glorious vagina was made for. Let’s stop pretending you need all these bells and whistles to get the job done.